Faith and Belief

As I sit here, pondering yet another weigh-in, I felt the need to write again.  I'm such a creature of habit...I'm trying to change that.  I let the few days before weigh-in get to me.  I start questioning every thing in my life.  I have to learn to let that negativity go.  I have faith, I know I do, but there is those times where I let things get to me!  I guess I'm human...what makes me think I'm not, is beyond me.

I had a good weigh-in.  I was pleasantly surprised to see the number be down even though it was a little loss, it was still a loss!  I'm just taking in the feeling and savoring it.  It's all part of this journey I am on.  I have found inner strength that I didn't know I had.  Strength in myself, my abilities, my emotions (even if it means I still cry a lot).  People don't realize that we all have the tools to fix ourselves and I've found that out in my life.

And one thing I have did is put it out there on facebook, this blog, and my articles for the St. Johns Locale Magazine.  It might be wrong for someone else but I'm one of those people that uses it as a accountability thing.  Too many people shove their emotions and problems deep down inside of them and they don't deal with it.  Anyone who knows me really well sees that I don't hide my emotions very well.  I wear those on my sleeve, for everyone to see!  

I sometimes think how different life would be if I would've had the confidence in myself back when I was a kid.  I took so much shit from so many people.  I let people define who I was and how I thought about things.  I guess you could say I was a huge "follower."  It kind of goes back to the old saying "Children should be seen and not heard."  Well, all I can say, is that I envy people who can speak freely!  I'm learning to use my voice but still am a little cautious.  It's that compassion for others and their feelings, that stops me from totally speaking my mind.  Not saying that others who speak their mind don't have compassion for others and their feelings but I'm just unique.  

I guess this blog is my voice...it helps me sort out feelings and emotions that I feel.  It gives me that place where I can say something and not feel as if I'm hurting anything or anyone.  It gives me insight in myself.  I'm really learning who I am!  Who knew weight loss would include a journey of self-discovery?  I just need to continue to have faith and belief in myself!

"You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life." ~~ Steve Jobs

Have faith and believe...it's as simple as that!

"The lesson is in the struggle, not in the victory."~~Anonymous

I wasn't planning on blogging so soon after the one I just did but I am needing the "therapy".  I had weigh-in this morning.  I was a little stressed about how it would turn out.  I have been only running once a week and I have  relaxed a little with my eating.  I even enjoyed some desserts on Thanksgiving.  Not something that I have allowed myself to do since I began this journey.

I don't want to over-think why I lost this month but I won't lie and say that I haven't tried to grasp my hands around it.  I have busted my butt in the past and watched everything that I ate.  It's disheartening to have a gain happen after that.  So, when I lose a couple lbs. after "relaxing" a little...then I get that same feeling.  Don't get me wrong, I am very pleased with the loss.  I am pleased with what I've been able to accomplish so far.  It's just hard to put my heart and soul into this and not wonder the "whys" once in awhile.

I need to get back into my running and/or weight training.  It's such a sanity saver for me.  It's sort of my happy pill.  It gives me that balance and clarity.  It also evens out my moods.  I really have seen a difference since I started all this.  I don't think most people who haven't did some form of exercise get it.  I know it's the endorphins (the feel good chemical).   But it's more than that for me.  It's the feeling of accomplishment.  The feeling of empowerment.   I haven't felt a feeling like this before.  When I ran Cross Country in High School many, many years ago there wasn't the "drive" there that I have now.  I really wish that I would've enjoyed it more!  Sorry Spals!  I would've been a better runner!  Hee-Hee!

I just need to relax a little...cut myself some slack!  There is "no contest", no prize for me (except being able to say I did it...for myself)!  I am such a unique person...I really am!  I know what makes me tick!  I have empathy for people's feelings, I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I feel things deeper than most people.  It may make me a little more open to being hurt by people but such is life.  I look at experiences in life as something we have to go through in order to be a better person.  I try not to have regrets!  With that being said...

“We should all start to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets.” 
― Marilyn Monroe

A reward in all this...

Yup, I know it's been awhile since I last blogged.  It's time again for some "Monica" insight!  Hee-Hee!  I found a quote that helped "center" me again.  I usually get my "centering" from my running but I have been taken a little break from that.  At least for me, I need to be as focused as possible before I set foot outside or on the treadmill.  I haven't had that lately but I will get that back.

I'm learning so much lately about myself and life in general.  Call me unique but I feel that we, as people, are given the tools to fix ourselves, change ourselves, you name it.  I'm not against anyone who needs any sort of help whatsoever, I just choose to deal with things myself.  I control my thoughts and actions alone so why would I want anyone else to tell me how to do that or fix the things that I need to?

In the scheme of losing the weight, I knew I needed to get myself better emotionally and mentally too!  I have had years and years of bad thoughts about myself.  I sure in the heck didn't want to think that way about myself but life happens and you start to believe things that are said to you.  I think every kid should feel special about themselves.  To feel as if they count and what they say counts.  And for the record, I was not treated this way by my parents or my siblings.

I read a quote once by Marilyn Monroe and it said "All little girls should be told they are pretty, even if they aren't."  Not that I am for lying to your daughter or son for that matter but it sure would've helped my self-esteem and I think it would help other little girls/boys feel better about themselves.  I have found even the most gorgeous women out there feel badly about themselves.  In a strange sort of a way, I find that refreshing.  I just thought that I was the only person in this world who had bad feelings towards myself.

We have society shoving it down our throats how we should look, act, and etc.  I don't care how many compliments I have gotten since my "tranformation" of sorts but I did this for me and not for anyone else.  I did it to be a healthier Monica...inside and out!  I believe that you should strive to continue to grow.  Don't remain too sendentary in your thoughts.  You should want to be a better person.

I find myself slipping back and forth into the negative thoughts.  It remains a constant battle with me and it's one that I don't like.  I have faith...that eventually I won't give anything a passing thought.  I will be able to shrug things off.  I will be able to look fear in the face and laugh at it!

Call that cocky sounding but I find myself wanting to be "a force to be reckoned with woman"!  I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar, of sorts.  Hee-Hee!  It may be a pipe dream of mine, but it's my dream!

"Losing a pound isn't necessarily a reward. Being healthy and feeling good about yourself is the reward."~~Nancy Peterson

Needing a little bit of "Therapeutic" writing...

Realized it had been awhile since I blogged.  Funny how that works!  I'm feeling the need to do some therapeutic writing and I got to looking and seen that it has been almost a month since my last writing.  I am big believer in signs and this one kind of smacked me on the head!  My own "I should've had a V8 moment"!  LMAO!

It's weigh-in week.  I have been having a tough couple of weeks and I just want to get Thursday over with and start fresh!  I know it's going to be bad.  I am not being negative...I'm being REALISTIC!  I have been having a tough time lately.  Well, it is time for Monica to roll up the sleeves and get back to the task at hand!  I haven't been running as far lately and I feel it.  It's truly my sanity saver and I feel it in my head and in my soul.  It "evens" me out and most runners or people who work out know what I mean.

I used to over-react to a lot of things.  Don't know if it's because of all the changes that I have been through that have changed that or getting older.  I still over-think things, I still can be a little neurotic, I still do things without thinking them through (flying by the seat of my pants isn't all that bad -- LOL) but at least, I don't feel like Mommie Dearest or that I am in the Exorcist with my head spinning around! 

Since I started running 2 1/2 years ago, it has helped me tremendously.  I have noticed that this past week.  I have had to change my time of running to later (which I am trying my best to like it but I am such a stickler about it) and also had to "table" it  for a few days cause of training for work.  I have given myself a little break for the moment and have tried not to beat myself about it.  The world won't end and I will be able to get back into the "grind" as soon as I can.  

It is a stress release for me and it's also "Me" time.  I need those moments.  I love the feeling it gives me.  It gives me this feeling of  empowerment, the feeling of accomplishment and the best of all feeling...JOY!  I have been jonesin for a long run lately and I just haven't had the time for it.  I think about it every time I am out there pounding the pavement.  Usually when I do a long run, it's not something I plan on doing.  I just "wing" it.  I listen to my body and my head and my heart...on a good day, they are all on the same page with each other!  LOL!

I'm sure people think I'm obsessed with running!  It really doesn't matter to me what they think but I feel like I have to explain myself and I really shouldn't have to!  It's evident when I get a good run in or even just a "plain jane" run in.  I feel better about things.  I feel like it oozes out my pores and people can see it.  If I am in a funky mood, it's because I didn't get the above mentioned feelings.  It energizes me...like my own little battery charging station.  

I'm hoping that after tomorrow's training for work that I can get back to my running schedule.  It has to happen this week of all weeks.  I will be a "hot mess" other wise.  Weigh-in week is always hard on me mentally and I don't have it in me at the moment so I need this to happen.  I know it sounds like I am hard on myself...I guess I am but I've had to be.  You don't get to where I am right now without a little bit of pushing yourself mentally, emotionally and physically.  It's really something that has become a habit now for me.  

I'm also a big believer in feeling things...experiencing things...dealing with things.  This weight loss journey has showed me that.  I got myself to that point that I needed to deal with the fact that no one made me heavy except for me.  I put the fork, spoon, knife, shovel to my mouth.  There was no gun to my head.  I have had to deal with this, learn from it and I am still learning from it.  It will be a "forever" thing.  I'm dealing with it now  and it hasn't killed me yet...

“The purpose of learning is growth, and our minds, unlike our bodies, can continue growing as long as we live.”

~~Mortimer Adler

Have a little faith, Monica

Funny how my last post was about negativity and getting rid of some of it.  I had the worse weigh-in that I've experienced during this weight loss journey of mine and yet, I lived through it.  Not going to lie, I got heavily teary-eyed but I didn't bawl my head off!  I'm thinking the reason I didn't react to it as bad is 'cause I unloaded here first!  I also am not sure if it's 'cause I am learning to accept it or I'm just starting to get that "peace" about it that I so crave.  I know one thing...I think the changes that I have went through to get to this point in my life are helping with it.  A "healing" of sorts!

I'm still trying to "grow" into this new me.  I like her better!  LOL!  I still have my moments but I seem to handle things a little differently now.  I cry a little more, but that could be "hormonal" or it could just be I'm overwhelmed with all the changes that I've went through.  I've told myself that I needed to be open to whatever I needed to go through to get to where I'm going.  Things that could've been avoided growing up, things that I should've stood my ground on, things that I would've stood up for...the list of woulda, coulda, shoulda's could be a mile long but I'm choosing not to beat myself up about it either.

I think people get to a certain age in their lives that they want to better themselves emotionally, physically, mentally...you name it.  I wonder why a person can't experience that just a little sooner in their life but I guess with that comes the wisdom and being ready for it.  When you are younger, you just aren't ready for things like that.  I see that right now in young people and how they feel about themselves and how they react and look at things.  I look back to that time in my life and I see they are just acting the same way as I did.  I guess when you are young, you think you are invincible.

I know it seems like I have a lot "deep thoughts" that I put down in this blog.  It's really a good way to get them out of my head!  I tend to be an over-thinker, over-analyzer, neurotic...whatever you want to call it!   I'm thinking for as much unloading I do on here, that I would be at goal weight.  At least 10 lbs. of thoughts get unloaded each time when I write.  Heck, if that was the case, I would be skin and bones right now!  LOL!

Learning to love yourself takes time.  And I have often wondered why it has taken me so long to get to goal and I'm thinking these two things are going hand in hand right now.  I want that goal thing to happen probably more so than most people but I have to get realistic about it too!  I know I will make it happen...I have that much confidence and determination but when?  Who knows?  I wish that I knew but it goes back to the control issue.  I have to step back and let things happen how they are supposed to happen.  Have some faith, Monica!  It's as simple as that!

"Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see."                                                                          ~~William Newton Clark  

Trying to get rid of a little bit of negativity...

I wish I could put down the right words how I feel every month before weigh-in (a couple days before).  It's hard to describe the emotions I feel.  I try my hardest to not let it consume me, I try my hardest to not beat myself up, I try my hardest to not even think about it...but it's still there...eating away at me...no pun intended.  I would love to know if anyone, who has lost weight and had it take as long as it has with me, has felt this way.

I am sitting here 2 days before weigh-in feeling rather negative.  I try to be as positive as possible but I do have my down days and this blog is an outlet for me to get that out of my system.  I had such an awesome loss at the beginning of the month and I have weigh-in already happening again this Thursday morning.  I've already mentally told myself that I will not reach goal and if I did, I would be a monkey's uncle.  On my run this morning, when I do my best thinking, all I could think about is that I hope I stay the same or at least lose just a little...no gain!  It's such a roller coaster ride...the up and down gain, loss, gain pattern.  I have tweaked it, changed it up, ate less, ate more...did everything that everyone has said.  But what happens is already predetermined.

Please don't get me wrong...I am extremely proud of what I have done.  I don't want anyone to think I am being ungrateful.  It's just so hard on me!  And most people would say you should just be done, that it is just a number and who defines what is a normal number.  I feel it when my shirts are tight or my jeans feel snug.  I know when I am retaining fluid.  I am getting good at listening to my body.  I just wish that I didn't sound like one big mental case to some people.  Not that I care but it helps me to talk it over, to vent about it, to put it out there.

I feel alone in this journey and that is something hard to explain to people especially since I do have a lot of support behind me.  It's just that nobody is there the morning I go into the Doctor's office.  Nobody is stepping on that scale for me and nobody knows how good I feel or how bad I feel when the number comes up.  I walk in there alone and I walk out alone.  But that was my choice.  I didn't want to be involved in any sort of a "group".  I needed to do this myself.  I got myself into this weight predicament and I had to get myself out of it!

I have to come to peace about it and that is really hard for a person like me.  I over think, I question every thing, I beat it half to death before I "give up" and then I really don't give up.  Make sense?  Probably not to some!  I want to relax about it but in my head, if I relax, then pretty soon 5 more lbs. gets put on and then another 5 and then I've worked my tail off just to have to work even harder at it again to get it off!  I am enjoying myself a little more than I was at the beginning of this journey.  I have given myself a little room to have fun but I also haven't took my eyes of that prize.  It gets close enough to see and then something comes up, like a smack on the forehead, that lets me know it isn't time yet for me to be at goal!  I have to remember that...that I can control only so much!

“The closest to being in control we will ever be is in that moment that we realize we're not.”

~~Brian Kessler

Clarity, Balance and Boobs...OH MY!! LOL!!

I was inspired to write Sunday but I had so many thoughts running through my head that it wouldn't have did me any good to write at that moment.  I have had the chance to process everything and so I thought it was best to get writing while I still had it in my head.

My running is really changed things.  At first, it was to "help" myself  lose weight.  The running now is more of a therapeutic thing.  I do so much thinking when I am outside running.  It gives me clarity and it gives me balance and it helps calm me down.  I love the feeling of the breeze blowing through my hair and I love hearing the sounds of nature.  Those are things that I would be missing if I was still using the treadmill.  I started out running on the treadmill for a couple different reasons.  The main being that I was not comfortable with having anyone see me exercise.  That is what kept me from running outside for the longest time.

It goes back to when I was in Cross Country in High School.  I've always had bigger boobs even back then.  I found out that some of the boys were making fun of me.  I would just take it 'cause I was young and I was trying to fit in.  One of the guys I would run with would sing the "jello song" to me.  That was okay with me 'cause he wasn't sneaky about it .  I was aware of it and he wasn't meaning it in a bad way.  That was why I was just so afraid to run outside for fear people would look at me.  And even more so back then when I was heavier and started out running.  So, I stayed inside and I ran early in the morning before anyone was awake so that way I wouldn't even be seen in my own home.  I know, it's sad that I felt that way but when you go through something like that...it is forever etched on your soul.

I'm so happy that I got passed that.  Now, I just go out there and run.  I don't care what I look like.  No makeup on, who cares?  Just got out of bed hair...who cares?  Boobs too big for being a runner...who cares?  Excess skin on my thighs jiggling...who cares?  I run out there proud.  Proud that I can run, proud that I have the stamina to run long distances, proud that I have lost a ton of weight, basically proud of who I am now!

So much so, that I decided to do another race and not just any other race but a 1/2 marathon.  It was Sunday morning and I hadn't really planned on doing it.  I signed up for it on last Monday.  I'm thinking that was a good thing cause I didn't have a lot of time to stress about it.  It's amazing how "peaceful" I felt about it or so I thought!  As I drove there, I put in 3 different discs to listen to, to get me fired up and in the right frame of mind.  I walked into the Lansing Center and immediately looked for the Women's bathroom.   I needed to make sure to get that out of the way in case, there was a long wait.

As I was walking throughout the place, killing time, things started getting to me.  As much as I am proud of what I have done, I still have to deal with my own body image that I have in my head.  I was seeing a lot of women with perfect runner's bodies.  I was thinking to myself, "Who do I think I am out there running with my not so perfect body?"  I was having a hard time fighting back the tears.  I just let them flow! I knew it was going to be emotional for me being that this was my first 1/2 marathon but I thought that I would be experiencing the tears at the end of the race.  I guess I was a little backwards this time!  LOL!  I don't think my body image in my head was the reason I was brought to tears but it did have a little bit to do with it.  I think the reason I was brought to tears is that I was truly scared, once again, that I couldn't do it.


It got to be about time to line up for the start of the race.  I went out there and picked the 11:00 minute pace people to be near.  Nowheres near the pace I normally run, but I needed to be further back this time.  The congestion at the beginning of a race is one of things that I was never forewarned about.  It can be very overwhelming, to say the least.  We started out and I progressively moved forward.  I got up to the pace that I was shooting for.  I was comfortable and that was the main thing.  I wasn't setting out to win the race.  I wasn't setting out to beat my pace time from when I ran the 10 miler.  I had two goals in mind.  To run the entire time and to finish the race.

Every mile mark that I would pass, I would acknowledge it with my "yeah baby" move.  I wanted to enjoy this race even more than the 10 mile race.  I wanted it to be special and feel special and it was.  I was having the time of my life.  It's an awesome experience to be surrounded by people who share a common bond with you.  And yet, everyone's story is different as to why they were there.

I was much more comfortable with this race...with my thoughts, with myself and with how I felt.  I felt love and support all the way through the 13.1 miles.  It amazing how different a person can feel 6 weeks later.  I firmly believe that in that short amount of time that I grew even stronger as a person, if that is even possible.

I crossed the finish line and heard my name announced and thought to myself..."Holy Shit, you did it Monica!"  And all I could think about at that moment was "When can I do this again?"  Yup, I'm hooked...

“Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment.”~~

Thomas Carlyle

Fear and Faith

I felt the need to write today so here goes and I will apologize in advance for it 'cause it might get a little emotional.  Today was my weigh-in day.  I started out the day as usual with me rising at 6:00 and getting dressed and doing my stretches.  It was a shorter run today so I was looking forward to that.  I like the long distance runs but it is a nice balance to have 2 days a week where I don't have to push myself mentally.  I have to have the right mindset on the days where I go longer.  Anyhow, I knew I had to weigh-in this morning so I wanted to git r done, so to speak!

I spent the better half of the run just thinking and hoping that I was going to be able to handle whatever that scale said.  Things have been fitting a little looser but I was not going to get my hopes up.  I know how that works...I get my hopes up and then I fall hard.  So, I just ran this morning and told myself that I had to have the attitude that I would go in there, get weighed and continue to trudge on...no matter what the scales said.  I tend to do my best thinking when I am out there every morning.  Somedays, I am so into the "zone" that it is almost scary.  Other days, it's like I have ADD and can't seem to get it together.  I prefer the "zone" feeling.  That is the feeling that helps me mentally!

I finished up with my weight bench workout after I got home from the run.  I hit the shower and then got myself looking all pretty for my visit to the doc's office.  I got there and didn't even have to sit and wait.  Sometimes I have to wait till someone can do the scales for me if they are dealing with patients.  And that makes me even more nervous when that happens!  LOL!  I just show up once a month, no appt. and have the nurse or another employee get it ready and then I hop on it and that's it.  No doctor to see and it's just me keeping track of it.  They have been wonderful at letting me do this for 2 and 1/2 years now.  So, I just sit there and be patient with them 'cause they really are doing me a favor!

I told her the amount that it was last month and then I looked at the scales and then proceeded to tell the scales to "be nice to me."  LOL!  Got on there and couldn't believe my eyes.  I jumped off and then I jumped up and down and then swore and then got back on the scales again just to make sure!  How in the world had I lost 7.6 lbs?  I hadn't had a good loss like that in a long time.  I was moved to the point I had to choke back the tears.  I got just a little teary-eyed.  Walked out of the building and I was like Holy Shit (pardon my language)!

I came home and posted a pic and the amount lost on facebook like I do every month.  Immediately, my friends were liking my pic and my status and commenting too!  It's amazing the support that I get from my friends on there.  Amazing but also overwhelming, to say the least!  Some days, I feel like I just threw it at everyone to be my own little support group, without asking if anyone wanted to do that.  But they have never failed me!  I post the ups and downs of it all and I post to this blog how I feel and people accept it.  I'm sure not everyone reads my status updates or this blog but that is okay too!

The only bad thing is with a loss like this...is that I am literally on a "high" all day and then it comes down.  And it comes down hard.  I start thinking to myself what did I do to get that amount of loss this time.  What haven't I been doing?  Then I start thinking of how close goal is again and how I bad that I want to be there.  I can see it, taste it and almost touch it.  But the realistic part of me knows that it's best for Monica to keep her wits about her right now!

I sat down in my chair tonight after supper and just literally stared at a side by side picture that my friend posted on my wall on facebook.  She has did this for me before and I appreciate it more than she knows.  But it hits me every time.  I see what no one else sees and I feel what no one else feels and I just wanted to bawl my head off and I still do!  If I could put it into words, the first word that comes to mind is "stranger."  It probably seems crazy to some people but that is how I feel.  I want that feeling to go away.  I want to be at peace with seeing pics of myself bigger.  It was me!  I have to let myself be at peace with it but I think deep down I am not letting myself go there 'cause I figure if I accept it then I will go back to it!  And that fear is something that eats at me and I have to get control of it so it doesn't control me!

I am learning so much about myself during this journey.  I wonder if the changes that I have experienced are supposed to be happening.  Like a part of a bigger picture that I have yet to see?  It's all about faith and I just need to grasp that!


"Fear ends where faith begins."~~Author unknown

Accomplishing a goal

It's really funny how much I let things get to me.  I want to shrug stuff off!  It's hard to change things that you have did for so damn long and I'm willing to change but sometimes being willing to change and actually doing it, are two different things.  I am working really hard to change that about me but I also realize that I am still human.

I can't believe how much I let get to me the Mint City 10 mile race that I signed up for.  The day before the race, I probably peed at least 40 times.  I had to call a friend just to have a smack upside my head to "center" me back to reality.  There is really no words to describe how I felt that morning of the race.  I was scared, excited, humbled, you name it.  It was wonderful to see all shapes and sizes of people there.  We all had one thing in common:  to do the race and finish it.  Some were walkers, some were runners and some were both.  My personal goal was to run it, not stop at all and finish it.  I knew I could do it but I am so used to running by myself and knew it would be different with other people around me.

It was rather humid that morning.  I was just happy that it wasn't rainy.  I got there around 15-20 minutes before.  Seen a couple people I knew and got a couple "Good Lucks".  I did my stretching and then of course, looked up to heaven before the race started and said one last plea to God...please let me do this!  And then we started off.  It was almost claustrophobic feeling at first.  I don't like trying to start my run with wall to wall people. Thank God, that didn't last long.

As usual, I had a lot of time to think and pray during that time.  I wanted to treat this race as if I was just out running like I do every morning.  I tried to zone out what other people were doing and act like I was the only one out there.  For the most part, I did do that.  I caught myself finding people to run "against."  I didn't want to do that, it just happened.  I think that is a normal thing to do...to feel a bit competitive when you are put in that environment.

Every mile marker that I hit, I did my little "Yeah baby" move!  I'm sure other people thought I was nuts but I didn't care.  I was going to enjoy that race to the fullest.  I got to the halfway point and seen the big "time" board and it showed me that I was right on the mark for what I normally run 10 miles in.  I even found someone to talk to for just a few minutes, which is not something easily done when running.  I noticed for the most part, the people that ran near me finished near me.

I didn't have any trouble until around mile mark 8 and it wasn't anything bad, I just had side pains.  But since I'm used to ignoring pain, I ran through it.  I had to laugh...there was a person on the side of the road and said to me, "Everything is downhill from here, you can do it" and I replied back, "Um, Morton St. hill goes uphill."  Not that I was going to worry about that...I ran that hill 5 days a week.  I wasn't about ready to have that hill conquer me!  At that point, there was the end in sight.

I was pushing myself to the brink and I knew it, but I also knew I was almost done.  The only thing I could think about is how I was going to feel when I crossed that finish line.  I envisioned it would be just me running normal and no hoopla.  But I could hear the cheers of the other runners finishing and knew by the then it would be different.  There was maybe a couple of  people there that knew what I was about to accomplish but for the most part, it was just a personal moment for me and no one else.

I got near the end and there was this lady that had been going back and forth with me.  She was "the one".  The one that I picked to beat. It sounds bad of me but I needed to do that.  She was just entering the finish area and so was I.  I saw a friend of mine/fellow runner and he said "Sprint Monica" and so I did!  I sprinted across that line with as much of a smile on my face that I could muster being that I almost felt like I was dying!    At that point there were no thoughts/feelings other than "Please God, don't let me puke."

I was gagging at that point but got that to stop.  I walked over to the food area and grab a 1/2 banana and a water and went and layed down on the ground.  I put the towel over my face and the tears started flowing,  No one knew I was crying.  It's hard to explain into words how I felt at that moment.  I did something that I haven't did in over 27 years.  I ran a race and not just any race that I was used to from Cross Country in High School.  I ran 10 miles.  If you would've told me two and half years ago that I could run that far, I would've laughed.  No way would a 258 lb. woman be able to run 10 miles, just no way that could happen.

I finished that race in 1 hr.35 minutes and 49.6 seconds.  I placed 8 out of 15 ladies in my age group. I finished 130th overall out of 219 people, I think!  My pace was 9:35 a mile.  I was happy with how well I did.  But even more than that, I was happy that I ACCOMPLISHED A GOAL THAT I SET OUT TO DO!  I have been trying to get to goal weight for over 2 1/2 years and that is still very important to me but the one thing this race showed me is that I CAN AND WILL DO JUST THAT!

"One part at a time, one day at a time, we can accomplish any goal we set for ourselves."
Karen Casey, from Achievement of a Life Goal

Letting fear get to me!

It's been a little while since I blogged...I'm apologizing right now for it!  I know that I said I would be better at it but I just haven't had it in me.  You know the old saying...the road to hell is paved with good intentions?  I say this a lot, but I have a 6 lane expressway heading there with no cops in sight and no speed limits posted!  LOL!  What I need to do is jot things down that come to me and then come back to it when I get the time to write.  Somehow, when I am inspired to write, I lose the thought that I had or I start second guessing myself.  Going to try to be better about it...I have to be...it is my outlet!  With that being said, here goes...

I'm sitting here trying not to let things get to me but they do!  As hard as I try, those damn demons just won't let me be.  Going to apologize ahead of time for this possibly being a little negative.  I try not to be and the days that this does happen are getting fewer and fewer in between.  And to that, I'm thankful.  I remember when I first started off on this journey of mine...I cried a lot, worried a lot and stressed a lot!  It's been better for me to not sweat the small stuff as much.  But just every once in awhile, something sets me off.

I'm running in the Mint City 10 mile race this coming Saturday and it scares me to death that I am doing this.  I know it doesn't make any sense to anyone.  I have been running now for 28 months.  I run 5 days a week.  I have did as much as 13.23 miles outside so I know that I have the stamina and endurance to get this done.  It just comes down to this...I'm scared that I have committed myself to this.  I have to show up now and I have to follow it through or I would look like a failure!

The similarity between this race and my weight loss journey is uncanny.  I am running this race alone.  I'm doing this weight loss on my own.  Nobody can run this race for me.  Nobody can lose the weight for me.  Nobody will be disappointed more than me, if I don't run this race.  Nobody will be disappointed more than me, if I give up on my weight loss goal because it is taking so long to get there.  So, I think it is appropriate for me to be alone during this race.  Granted there will be other runners so technically I am not alone in this but I just need it to be this way.

Don't get me wrong...I am looking forward to doing this race.  It's a goal that I will be able to accomplish.  It's something that I've needed to do.  It's out of my comfort zone.  I'm trying to hard to be a lot more open to things.  I am 42 years old and I really don't want life to pass me by without doing some things that I want to do but am scared to do!  That is why I love the Bucket List movie.  I don't think you should have to be dying in order to have a list like that.

I think it is good for people to come out of their comfort zones once in awhile.  It helps you to grow as a person.  That is what I am hoping for after this race.  To not be so predictable, to run and not think about how many miles or whether I'm doing it fast enough.  I just want to get out there and enjoy it.  To savor in the free therapy it gives me, to have my "alone" time with just me, my thoughts and God!  It's my outlet, along with the writing.  It didn't used to feel this way.  I looked at it as exercise and now I look at it as something that needs to be done for me to become a better Monica!

"If you're never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take any chances."~~Anonymous

Feeling like someone else...Me?

I have to laugh at where my inspiration to write comes from some days.  Today just happens to be a song that I love and have listened to a lot lately.  It's Queensryche's song "Someone Else?"  I listen to the words and they make sense to me.  They describe how I feel.  It's really hard to explain to someone who hasn't been through the changes that I have been through.  I'm sure it feels different for each person.  That is why when I hear someone going through something similar to anything in my life (you name it), I really don't want to say "I know how you feel or I feel your pain."  Because, you really don't how a person feels...even if you climb into their head, get under their skin, jump into their soul.  That is one of the reasons why I love how God made us all unique individuals.

Getting back to what I felt inspired to write about...it's the part at the end of the song that hits on the head for me.

"From where I stand at the crossroad's edge
There's a path leading out to sea
And from somewhere deep in my mind
Sirens sing out loud, songs of doubt, as only they know how
But one glance back reminds and I see
Someone else, not me.

I keep looking back at someone else... me?" ~~"Someone else" by Queensryche

 I wish that someone would've told me how different I would feel.  I see the changes...the obvious ones, but I still feel like I am in there.  Sometimes, when I see someone in a store, they just stare at me.  It gets to me.  Are they trying to figure out who I am?  And what really gets to me is when someone walks right past me as if I am a complete stranger to them.  I know I should put myself in their shoes 'cause they probably are trying to figure it out themselves.   I guess I get it...I see me when I look in the mirror but I also see someone else...

Don't get me wrong...I still would've lost the weight.  I am happy that I have been blessed with the determination to still be dealing with this after 2+ years (trying to get to goal).  I know that it will be many more years than that (maintaining).  What I am talking about is the feelings of "grief" that I feel.  I feel it when I look at pictures of me when I was bigger.  I look at those pictures and I feel like I am looking back at someone else...ME?  Yup, right there hits the nail on the head. 

I am still Monica...I am still the sappy, overly sensitive, give the shirt off my back even if it's the one I am wearing at the moment (LOL), can't seem to say no to people, will talk to complete strangers about anything.  And yet, I don't feel like "her" anymore.  "Her" meaning the person I see in pictures.  She was insecure.  She was happy, but miserable inside.  She had no confidence.  I know that it will take time to get used to the feelings that I have been dealing with.  I know that with time I will look back at the pictures and not be bothered by them.  I will NOT get rid of them (I don't want anyone to think that I am going on a picture purging binge)!

I love the woman that I have become and I know that I still have a lot more to learn but I can say now without a doubt that I am the "me" that I am supposed to be!  I just have to learn to accept that there might not be people who accept this new "me."  That is fine, because I have to be comfortable with me...I have to feel "right" with myself and my thoughts.   I have been blessed beyond words...God has given me the continued strength to do this! 

"Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement."~~
Golda Meir

"So shines a good deed in a weary world..."~~William Shakespeare

This blog posting has nothing to do with my weight loss or feelings or etc. today but I just felt compelled to write about what I witnessed that made my heart just melt...

I was at school today serving slushies for Field Day (was affectionately nicknamed Slushie Lady by a little fella) and was running low, big time, of blue raspberry.  The one 4th grade class that came through the line was probably the most mature set of kids that I have seen in a long time.  I explained to them how I didn't have a lot of the blue left and that we still had the one afternoon Kindergarten class left to give slushies to and so they put aside their own needs to make sure that the Kindergarten class could have a choice between the two colors.  So, after the Field Day was done and the machine was all washed up and put away for another time, I went into the office and told them about this wonderful group of kids.  I wanted to do something for them.  We have "scales" for our dragon (mascot) in the main hallway.  They are rewards and the kids love to earn "scales".  So, I got 28 scales and they let me go into their room and hand them out and say something to the kids.  I told the kids how nice it was of them to put other's needs before theirs.  I told them if they do that in life that they will go far!! 

Another instance today...I was walking out of the Pizza place tonight with my hands full.  There was a young man with special needs that had just walked in with his Mom.  He got both doors for me and probably would've opened my car door for me too, if I would've let him.  LOL! 

What I find funny, is how a bunch of young kids and a young man who is mentally handicapped can see what needs to be done in this world but yet, there are people still running around that are only out for themselves.  It restores my faith in the fact that there are still good people in this world.  I'm so glad that my parents taught me well!  So, thank you to my folks for being a fine example to live my life by!  I may have given you a few gray hairs, I may have broke curfew a few hundred times, I may have dated a questionable boy or two, but I always had good intentions!  ;-)

In a world that is changing all the time, it is nice to see my "old school" thinking is not so bad and that there are others who have that same set of core values installed in them.  I'm hip, I'm cool (ha! ha!) but this girl is still just that...A SMALL TOWN GIRL!

“Our deeds follow us, and what we have been makes us what we are.”~~John Dykes

Overwhelmed....

It's kind of funny...the things that a person is "scared" of.  I'm not talking about spiders and snakes or fear of heights.  I'm finding out that something that I was so scared about has turned into such an eye opening thing for me.  When I was approached to contribute a series of articles for the St. Johns Locale magazine, the first thing out of my mouth was...I am going to puke!  SERIOUSLY!

What I have found is that I am touching people with my story.  I have had a lady say something to me in Wal-Mart.  I had a lady request me on facebook who is trying to lose weight and read my article from a friend of hers at work.  I had a phone call from a woman who read the article and showed it to her weight loss group and wants to continue to do so with each article.   I've had a police officer in my town come up to me and tell me how nice of an article it was and what a thing to be proud of.  I went to the mailbox this morning and there was a note card in there from my aunt's sister who read the article and she said some very kind words that brought me to tears.


I'm overwhelmed with how well it has went over.  I'm sure that there are some people out there who are critical of it, but I can't do a damn thing about that.  I was so nervous to put my name out there, let alone my weight and clothing size when I began this journey of mine.  I had to "own" up to this problem of mine.  To do that in front of people...yes, it has taken every bit of courage I have in me still.  I am proud of what I've did but I also am very humble about it.  So, I just want to say THANK YOU to the people of the SJ Locale magazine for letting me share my story.  I'm eternally grateful!  :-)


To put into words the amount of gratitude that I have for the people that have supported me from the very beginning...OVERWHELMED is the only word that comes to mind.  To the people who have stood by me every step of the way, to the ones that didn't get sick of hearing me say how much exercise that I did that day or how I couldn't have this or that 'cause I felt it was "naughty."  To the ones that have listened to me cry, to the ones that I have been the wind beneath my wings, to the ones that have come right out and told me what they thought.  Yup, overwhelmed!


I've never been one to get too big for my britches, so to speak.  It just the way that I was brought up.  To not boast or bring attention to myself.  So, putting my story out there has made me go against that somewhat.  To leave my "comfort zone" a little.  I know it's seems silly but I "think" I still have one worry or fear left...is that I will change.  I've been through enough changes in these past 2+ years and I'm open to everything that is in store for me but to say that I want to make sure to stay "Me" is putting it mildly.  I guess it all comes down to having...FAITH!!

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.

- Martin Luther King, Jr.

So, I guess I just need to not worry -- to give it God!  He's one of those people in my life that hasn't left me for nothing!!  To that...I am BLESSED!

Writing from the heart....

Once again, I'm a little behind on updating the blog.  Partly because it's the busiest time of the year (school coming to an end) and partly because I'm feeling a little "out of sorts" right now.  I haven't really been updating my status on Facebook much either.  I find myself second guessing everything and getting overly analytical.  I think the problem lies in the fact that I'm wanting to be a more positive person.  I want my postings on here to be more positive and the same thing goes for Facebook.  The problem with that is...I do have my "off days" and I wanted this blog to exist so I could vent.

I just need to go back in time and do what I know is best and that is to write from the heart.  With that being said, here goes:  I had my weigh-in last week Thursday and for once, I didn't dwell on it beforehand.   I feel more at peace with it.  I can't do any more than what I'm doing so why beat myself about it ahead of time?   Even being there at the doctor's office, I had a "peace" about it.  I pretty much said that I don't give a shit what the scale says as long as I know that I've did my best and that I feel great and look great, it really doesn't matter!  Please don't get me wrong...I'm still going to be plugging away to get to goal even if it is "some day" far, far away from this moment.  It is very important to me to finish what I have started.

It dawned on me the other day, that I will never really be "done" with the weight loss.  It is a life style change...a forever thing.  For me to say I never, ever want to go back to my former weight is understatement.  I have worked my ass off to get to where I am today.   I have been on both sides of the coin now...heavier  and smaller.  I don't care what anyone says, it is true that people treat you differently when you are bigger.  It is really sad that people can be that way but they are.  It doesn't matter what size a person is, they are still a person...a person with feelings.

It is almost like there is a "prejudice" feeling for some people.  They figure that a heavy person is lazy or that they don't care about themselves.  Sometimes health issues come into factor as to why a person puts weight on.  Sometimes it can be emotional issues.  Sometimes it can be your family history.  I just know that I didn't set out to be the weight that I was.  I have a firm belief that things happen for a reason.  Maybe I was supposed to have this "struggle", to learn from it, to be "changed for the better" because of it.

I'm finding out that no matter what has happened in your life...it happens for a reason.  There is a plan and we must all go through whatever we have to go through in order to get to where we are supposed to be.  Obstacles are just stepping stones, difficulties in life are blessings in disguise, and things aren't always what they seem.  I'm not going to lie...I would like to know the whats, wheres, whens and whys just as much as the other person but sometimes we just need to sit back and let life happen!

 "It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."  Ernest Hemingway

I'm going to try to update this blog more.  It is very therapeutic for me!  Plus, it is now attached to my articles for the SJ Locale!  ;-)  Until next time...

Sensitivity -- accepting it as a special gift

Your mind and how it works some times...

It's funny how your mind works. It can get the best of you, if you let it. I have allowed it to happen more times than I can count. I'm rather sick of it. I don't want the negativity. It sucks the life out of me. I am seeing that on this little journey of mine. I had a dear friend of mine tell me that I've made myself happy on the outside and now it's time for Monica to be happy on the inside too! I have carried a lot of negativity around for a mighty long time. And I'm slowly getting rid of it, one issue at a time.

I've also let this "getting to goal" thing consume me. I have had blinders on and have kept my eyes planted firmly on that. I should be enjoying this journey and welcoming all the opportunities that are on the way to that goal and not just be flying by them at warp speed! Yes, I still want to get to goal weight but I've come to the conclusion that it will happen when it is supposed to happen. I can either drive myself batty trying to get there or just savor all the moments that life is offering me during this time. I had a little help in figuring this out too! Thank you! ;-)

It's really amazing that this weight loss journey has made me see other things that are "weighing me down". My thing now is trying to change some of those "attitudes" that I have had about myself for decades. I've worked through one of them so far (not going to go back to it now, not talking about it again...read earlier posts). It has felt really good to finally move past it. I know that I have because there is a "peace" about it. That is why I got my butterfly tattoo as an ending to those feelings I had. Now, to work on other things that I can change.

I think the Serenity Prayer says it perfectly for me:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

I believe we are given "tools" to better ourselves. Some times this girl just needs a little more "shove" to see those opportunities. At least this time, I'm not speeding past it with those darn "blinders" that I've been wearing. Just thankful for the couple of "police officers" that stopped me on the way...Ha! Ha! And so the journey continues...

Personal growth and lessons learned...

I'm finding out more and more people have had self-esteem issues just like me. People who I never would've imagined have felt the same way that I did. I say "DID" because I finally decided once and for all, that it was "truly" time to put that behind me. I'm not going to lie and say that I won't totally forget it because you really never forget things from your past but it was time to let it go. Life is like that! You learn to let go of things, people, some times dreams, you name it. Yes, I would've given anything in the world when I was growing up to be well adjusted. To feel confident. To have no fear. To feel as if the world was mine. It would've saved a lot of years of heartache. But it is what it is!

I'm learning so much on this journey of mine. It's almost mind boggling. I feel overwhelmed some days with the emotions that I feel. One day I feel gratitude for the gift that I have been given but in the same breath unworthiness of that gift. The next day I might feel grief for the person I used to be. I'm learning to just try to go with the flow and enjoy this time and the lessons that I'm learning.

I say "lessons" because I am a firm believer that there is a lesson to be learned in everything that comes our way. We have to go through things in life in order to learn from them, to become stronger and better people. To have our "faith" tested. To find ourselves when we are "lost." To find meaning and beauty in life and the gifts that we are given. It's all part of the bigger picture that none of us even have the slightest clue about.

I was thinking of some of the changes that I have experienced. I've learned to step out of my "comfort zone". I'm doing things that I normally would've been uncomfortable doing. Example being... that I'm on the PTO Board as the Secretary. I was content to just go to the meetings. I was scared to something like that up. I've learned that I can handle it. That I'm capable of so much more than what I think I can do. I also started teaching Religion Class around the time that this "journey" started. The kids that I've had have been the best. To hear that they are excited to come to class on Wednesday nights does wonders for this girl's confidence! I'm extremely grateful for the opportunity to do that and also for the people who had confidence in my abilities even before I knew I could do it.

A little part of me wishes that I would've started this sooner - the blog, the weight loss, you name it! Timing is everything and I guess it just wasn't my time yet. I see that now! You just got to love hindsight! The lessons probably wouldn't have been learned and forever tattooed onto my soul, otherwise.

I love this quote and I've had it hanging on my refrigerator for years:

If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we are not really living. ~~Gail Sheeny

So, with that being said, these changes are good for me. I will just learn to embrace them a little better and have the attitude that I can handle whatever comes my way. Until next time...

A little advice would've been good...

The hardest part of this journey has been the changes physically, emotionally and mentally on me.  I didn't tell anyone that I was going to try to lose weight so there was no way to pick someone else's brain about it.  That is one of the things that I wish that I could've gotten advice on.  No one knows what it's like till they have gone through it themselves.  It's hard!  The way people look at me now, the way that they looked at me back then.  The comments that have been said, the comments that probably shouldn't have been said (I still laugh at those), the compliments, the criticism.  If anything, it has been a huge learning experience for me and for that, I'm grateful.

I'm getting better at just saying "Thank you" when I hear a compliment.  When you don't hear them a lot growing up, you don't really know how to react.  I was told by a really close friend of mine to just say thank you and be done with it.  Don't question it, don't over-analyze, just take it!   I won't lie to you...it has helped me with my motivation and has kept it going.   

I have my good days and my bad days.  It was worse at the beginning.  I cried a lot more back then.  I don't do that as much anymore.  I've almost gotten a little more thick skinned in the whole process.  I've learned that you can't make people like you no matter what you do or how you look or how you are.  Some people are just plain jealous.  All I can say to that is "Whatever, that is your problem, not mine." I'm glad that I have seen some people's true colors.  It's all part of life and growing up.  You find out who matters, who doesn't and who never did!  I don't want this part to come across as being negative 'cause it's not meant that way.  Just saying what is in my heart...which people need to do more often!

If I could do it all over again, which I REALLY NEVER WANT TO DO EVER AGAIN, is keep track of things better.  I have tried to make this as less stressful on me as possible.  I didn't log how many miles I have ran on the treadmill and outside.  I also didn't write down from the beginning how many lbs each month I lost.  I did somewhat on Facebook but I don't know if I could go back in my posts from 2 years ago or so to see. It's on the captions with my pictures that I have posted so there is some documentation.  Oh! Well!  The would'ves, could'ves, and should'ves don't need to "creep" into my life not now or ever!  "It is what it is."  I'm trying to live by that motto as much as I possibly can.

Life is what you make of it and if you want to change it, you "alone" have to do that.  No one else can do that for you!  As hard as it is, it's all part of the journey of life that we are all on....

Gratitude...Such a simple thing but needs to be said!

I've come to this conclusion... I have been given a gift!   I have a couple of friends/family in my life that have literally helped me fly.  They come swooping in and lift me up when my wings are broken and tired.  For that, I am eternally grateful.  They put into perspective things that I need to hear.  I can't always take that from a lot of people but there are just certain ones that can do that to me.  I definitely feel they are angels to me.  They may not think of themselves as angels but I do think that is what they were put on this earth to do. I'm also thankful for my hubby and my children for putting up with my insanity.  They get to listen to the music when I run whether it's time to wake up or not.  They witness "the sweaty mess" that is me when I'm done running/working out.  They have to live with me 24-7 and have been witnesses to many of the changes first hand.  They put up with my eating habits now.  They are also my gift and for that I'm eternally grateful!  <3<3<3

These posts are not meant to come across as negative.  I'm just trying to make this girl "whole" again!!  I have a lot of things that fly through my mind at any given moment and what better way than to put it down here where I feel most comfortable.  I'm going to try my best not to "fall back" into negative thinking.  It sucks the "life" out of me and that is not me!  I'm a "full of life" kind of a girl! 

I have a couple of things that I want to accomplish this year.  I want to get past my fear of doing a race.  It's hard to explain without looking stupid but here goes:  I would get lost sometimes on the course during Cross Country meets.  Yes, I'm ditz.  LOL!  I think in the back of my head that is why I haven't did a race yet.  That and I need to go to Playmakers and get fitted for proper running shoes.  My shoes that I have now have seen a lot of miles.  They are sweaty and they have been bled in (blisters on my toes and toenail damage).  They have a couple weak spots and some small tears. But they sure are comfy!  LOL!  I also need to buy some proper clothes to run in.  So hurry up and be able to be "submitted and returned" tax refund money!  :-)

My other goal is of course, the obvious goal.  I would hope by the end of this year that I could get to goal.  To lose the last 14.2 lbs.  I have 10 more months before the end of the year and I'm hoping and praying that this will be it.  I have been fighting this fight officially for almost 2 years.   And I do know that it will also be a lifetime fight.  At least, I know that I'm doing pretty good with the "maintaining" aspect of it but that isn't what I want to do just quite yet!  LOL!  But I will take it as a stepping stone to get to where I'm going!  It's all part of the journey I'm on and I'm finding out that I AM WORTHY of this trip! 


Just needed to put the words down here today!  DAMN, it feels great!  :-)

Time to heal thyself!! It's all about becoming comfortable with being myself!

Today is a good day to write!  I was thinking of the last two status updates I had and they have motivated me to write.  Yesterday's status was about starting to worry what others think of you that you stop being yourself.  I've tried that.  I know that I'm high strung.  I try not to be but that is me.  It is who I am!  It's in my genes.  It's like telling me not to breathe!  LOL!  I'm trying my best though to be less high strung.  I can relax with the best of anyone but once I do, the questions start happening.  "Are you okay?  Is there something wrong?"  I've come to the conclusion that I have to be okay with being myself and if people feel a certain way towards me, that is their problem.  I'm a happier person when I can be comfortable in my own skin.  I've always been this way.  I'm a people person.  I "take care of people".  I do things a certain way because of how I was brought up.  There is the old saying that a person is a product of their environment.  I will blame my family on that!  LOL!

Today's quote goes along with my facebook status today:  "You will only begin to heal when you let go of past hurts, forgive those who have wronged you and learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes!"~~Author unknown. I think I best take my own advice and practice what the quote says.  It involves my post from 2 posts ago titled "More to the story" that brought up past hurts when I was called a "dog" by my boy classmates.  I have let something like that bother me for decades.  I've let it live "rent free" in my head for years.  I've tried and tried to get passed it.  I have to learn how to forgive or it will eat away at me.  I'm too strong of a person now to let it fester some more in my brain and heart.  They hurt my self-esteem which basically was a scar on my soul. 

I truly believe that we are all given the power/ability to "free" ourselves and/or "fix" ourselves.  The running helps me with that.  It is truly just a time for me and my thoughts.  I do a lot of praying and thinking on that treadmill.  How could I not?  I'm on there at least an hour or more.  It's my own form of therapy.  And along those lines...I am doing some cleaning around the house right now.  Okay, maybe not right this second but I have been working on clearing out stuff the past 2 weeks or so.  I think that is all part of the journey I am on.  A part of that journey is getting to know myself and loving myself ('cause I hadn't deemed myself worthy of that).  And this blog sure is helping me too!  Who knew something I was so scared to do would help me so much?  Some would say it is crazy and some would say I can't believe you put your thoughts out there for everyone to see.  For now, it is only the people on my facebook friend list that can see it.  I haven't made myself public just yet.  I figure the ones on facebook can choose whether they want to read it or not.  I don't have a problem with people avoiding it or choosing not to read it.  That is their choice and I respect that!  I just felt the need to have someplace to vent or have an outlet for my thoughts and this was the perfect place for it!

Life is too short to hang onto grudges, past hurts, or whatever you want to call them.  They are toxic to our "well being."  I've had to learn things for myself 'cause that is the only way I can do it.  I can listen to all the advice in the world.  I can be in "awe" of people who are just a teeny bit older than me who are "stronger" and have that wisdom.  But in order for me to actually "learn" something from it, I have to go through it myself.  I think that is what has gotten me this far in my weight loss journey.  It's worked for me so far 'cause it was just me going through it.  Me being responsible for me.  I'm not against another other options.  I tried one of those options and it didn't work for me.  Me deciding to do it for me and not someone saying to me "just try this, it might work for you."  I guess it's time to clear some more "stuff" out of my life.  I'm going to try my best to forgive and move passed it.  I said it about a year ago but always had it in the back of my head.  Well, it's really time to let it go, to forgive, to rid myself of "stuff" that has took up residence in my head and in my heart for far too long!   I'm loving the woman I am becoming...and "Monica, you're not a dog and never were."  AMEN!!

Needing a good kick in the ass!!

Well, it's been one of those days for me today!  I have them enough to know that it will pass but not until I beat myself up just a teeny bit more!  LOL!  I wouldn't say I have been "naughty" but I have been getting a little too "relaxed" in my weight loss or for the moment, the lack there of!  I need to get to goal!!  I have to get to goal!  No one understands what drives me...hell, I don't understand it myself some days!  LOL!

I look at pictures and they get to me.  I know what you're thinking.  "Don't look at the pictures, Monica!"  The one I keep looking at today is where I'm 2 lbs. away from goal (see below).  I will get there again...hopefully soon!  I'm 14.2 lbs. away right now.  I have did the "change it up" thing.  I went from running 7 days a week to 5 days a week to running 3 days a week and doing cardio/weight workouts on the other 2 days.  A little part of me wonders if I should just go back to what I was doing before.  I also need to get back to being stricter with myself.   Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful so far with what I've been able to accomplish on my own.  I'm grateful that I still have the determination to do this.  It has been almost 2 years and I still am plugging away at it!  Most people would've given up but not me!  I'm a different kind of girl!  I'm quite bullheaded!  I will dig my heels into something once I have made my mind up about it!

I have weigh-in next week.  It seems to "hit me" around the week prior where I feel "blue" about it.  It's almost like clockwork.  I need to be better at controlling how I "react" to it.  That is where not having any emotions would come in handy!  Ha! Ha!  I do know one thing...each time I go in there and it doesn't go as planned, I walk out of there just a little bit stronger emotionally!   And for anyone who truly "knows" me will know that is a miracle all in itself!

Pick yourself up, Dust yourself off and Get on with it! You know you can!

 I feel better now!  Amazing how just writing it down helps me!

Until next time...

Katy Perry's Firework Song

I definitely like that Firework song by Katy Perry.  If you really listen to the words like I have, it pretty much sums up what I feel like now.  I never felt like much growing up especially the tween years until the past year and a half or so.  I know, I tend to dwell on that a lot but it's such a big part of my life.  I'm trying to get past it but when you're almost 42 years old....yikes...you just don't get "rid" of your old feelings/attitudes that easily.  I'm enjoying the new me.  I feel very fortunate that I have been able to accomplish what I have so far.  It has taken a lot of hard work, determination, stubbornness to get me here.  It has been an emotional roller coaster ride.  It has changed a lot of things in my life.  There is always that fear that I will gain back all the weight and then some.  It lives inside of me everyday but I try to calm that fear as much as possible.  If I didn't, I would go completely batty!!  LOL!!

I wish that I could go back in time just for a little bit.  I would've had a little talk with "younger Monica" and kept her from many, many years of feeling bad about herself.  I would've did my best "Stuart Smalley" impression and told me this:  

I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me! 

It's funny...as you get older you see some of the stupid struggles you had to go through to get where you are today.  Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for every experience I have been through in my life.  It has made me the woman I am today.  I'm different now,I  guess.  I have changed, but I feel I have changed for the better.  I'm still the wild crazy Monica that I always have been.  She just was "hidden" for so long underneath all that weight!!


I'm doing this blog to help me deal with all the changes.  It's therapeutic for me!  I have to be able to have an outlet for some of these thoughts that go racing through my head on a daily basis!!  I debated whether or not to put this "out there" because I figured I would get made fun of or have people rip apart my punctuation and grammar and etc.  I suck at that crap!!  I guess that is where I have the control.  If I don't like something that someone says then I can delete the comment or block the person...you name it!!  If only I would've been able to do that in middle school and high school.  It sure would've made life a lot easier!!  LOL!!

Until next time....

 

More to the story

Here's more to the story...I felt good immediately after I got off the treadmill.  Sweaty but good!!  LOL!!   I literally felt a rush of confidence come over me.  I know it seems strange to some but I have never had a lot of confidence or self-esteem.  Yes, I am outgoing.  Yes, I could make friends with a doorknob but when it comes down to feeling good about myself...NOT SO MUCH!!  :-(  That went out the window back when I was a kid.  You don't hear/see the words "dog" and not let it affect you just a little.  In my case, it affected me a lot.  To this day, it still does.  It is really sad that kids (boys) have to be so cruel.  I didn't understand why they had to "rate" the girls.  I was a little honored cause one boy said I had a nice personality.  Lay man's terms...DOG!!  LOL!!  I know, I am almost 42 years old and I shouldn't let something a handful of prepubescent boys said decades ago determine my self-worth but it did.


When I started losing the weight people started complimenting me.   And that is something I am not used to hearing.   For the most part, they have been nice compliments.  Others have made me go "hmmm..."  LOL!!  I actually need to "file" those away for a day when I need a huge laugh!!  I am getting better at hearing them.  I would get analytical at first but now I just say "Thank you".  I am very hard on myself for this reason.  I never had anyone from school remotely interested in me growing up.  Never any of the "will you go with me" crap that they did in middle school.  Where the hell was you going to go back then?  Class?  Yep, like I really needed a date for that!!  Ha! Ha!  Really the only time I got any compliments way back then was when we would go see my Great Uncles in the nursing home.  They always said, "your such a nice looking girl."  First off, they were old and second off, they were my uncles.  They were going to be nice to me no matter what.  Made me feel good but also made me feel like I would have to date someone 60 years older than me in order to find someone that would like me and find me attractive!!  Yup, that wasn't going to happen!!  Ha! Ha!


I know it sounds absurd that I would let other people determine my self-worth.  When it comes down to it, it's all about fitting in and not so much about being one of the "pretty girls".  I really didn't fit in.  I didn't like cliques and I still don't.  I guess in my perfect world...every girl would hear how pretty she was and every guy would hear how handsome he was.  People wouldn't call each other names.  Everyone would have a friend.  And no one would feel alone!!  Is that a little too much to ask?  Yup, so not going to happen...LOL!!

Until next time...

The beginning of the transformation...

Wow...been thinking about doing this for awhile and I finally took the plunge.  Not so sure that I want to jump into this with no life preserver on.  I'm swimming in deep, uncharted waters right now!  I just have needed an outlet for my thoughts for a long time and I'm thinking this might be it!  :-)

Where do I begin?  I guess I will start with the life changing decision that I made back in Feb. 2009.  I'm not so sure I actually "made a decision".  I kinda just went with it.  It was kinda strange how it happened.  For a couple of months before my 40th Birthday, I started to listen to 80's Hair Bands ballads.  They were making me sad for a time that had passed.  I started thinking of when I was younger and thinner.  At that point, I was around 258-260 lbs. and I was not really happy with how "I let myself go."  I seemed like the same fun loving Monica to everyone around me but inside "not so much."  I wanted to go back to those days.  Not really go back to the days but go back to the "feelings" of those days.  I kinda lost "me" like all woman (mothers) do at one point or another in their lives.'

Jump ahead to a doctor's appt.  I think I was just going in for a simple upper respiratory infection.  Okay, I know upper respiratory infections are not simple but you know what I mean.  I wasn't going to the doctor for anything other reason than I was not feeling well.  As usual, they make you jump on the scales.  At that point, I really didn't give a shit what the scales said because it wasn't like I was going to get on them and I was going to be magically thin again.  Heck, I really didn't pay attention when the nurse wrote down the weight on the chart.  I was oblivious to the fact that I was extremely heavy or what they considered "extremely obese".

I sat down and the doc came in.  How you feeling, doing and etc. is what was asked of me.  Then he throws me for a loop.  Hmm...Monica, you have lost 13 lbs. since your last appt.  My last appt. was in July 2007 and here it was late Feb. 2009.  Wow, didn't know I had lost anything.  Remember, I was oblivious to all that.  LOL!  Anyhoo, I was thinking to myself and I might have even said to him that I hadn't been snacking as much at night and I wasn't drinking as much pop.  He told me how good that I was doing but didn't push for me to lose weight.  He just a wonderful doctor with an awesome bedside manner.

I found out I was extremely Vitamin D deficient and so I was prescribed a 50,000 mg a week pill.  Well, either it was my mind playing tricks on me or that Vitamin D pill affected my appetite.  To this day, I think it was just the push that I needed.  I started eating half of what I normally ate.  I didn't finish what was on my plate.  I could've cared less that there was children starving all over the world (something my parents would say to make me feel guilty).  I never understood why I couldn't leave food like other kids my age could do.  I love my parents deeply but I didn't have to eat everything on my plate -- it wouldn't have been the end of the world people!

I was losing weight enough so that people were starting to notice it in my face.  I wanted it to be more noticeable.  Hence, where my beloved treadmill comes into play.  We bought this really nice treadmill and it just sat there.  Maybe walked on it once or twice.  It was just there to look good!  LOL!  It was 3 days before my 40th Birthday and I was still feeling "blue" about being 40 and frumpy.  I wanted to be 40 and fabulous.  Okay, I really actually wanted to be 40 and Hot but at 258 lbs. or so, Hot wasn't happening anytime soon.  :-( 

So, I got up that morning and put some shorts and a t-shirt and some tennis shoes on and started walking on my treadmill.  I think I did 20 minutes to begin with.  All I know, is that for once in my life I felt good about what I was doing and how I was feeling. 

Stay tuned for more....