Monday, June 20, 2011

Feeling like someone else...Me?

I have to laugh at where my inspiration to write comes from some days.  Today just happens to be a song that I love and have listened to a lot lately.  It's Queensryche's song "Someone Else?"  I listen to the words and they make sense to me.  They describe how I feel.  It's really hard to explain to someone who hasn't been through the changes that I have been through.  I'm sure it feels different for each person.  That is why when I hear someone going through something similar to anything in my life (you name it), I really don't want to say "I know how you feel or I feel your pain."  Because, you really don't how a person feels...even if you climb into their head, get under their skin, jump into their soul.  That is one of the reasons why I love how God made us all unique individuals.

Getting back to what I felt inspired to write's the part at the end of the song that hits on the head for me.
"From where I stand at the crossroad's edge
There's a path leading out to sea
And from somewhere deep in my mind
Sirens sing out loud, songs of doubt, as only they know how
But one glance back reminds and I see
Someone else, not me.

I keep looking back at someone else... me?"
~~"Someone else" by Queensryche
 I wish that someone would've told me how different I would feel.  I see the changes...the obvious ones, but I still feel like I am in there.  Sometimes, when I see someone in a store, they just stare at me.  It gets to me.  Are they trying to figure out who I am?  And what really gets to me is when someone walks right past me as if I am a complete stranger to them.  I know I should put myself in their shoes 'cause they probably are trying to figure it out themselves.   I guess I get it...I see me when I look in the mirror but I also see someone else...

Don't get me wrong...I still would've lost the weight.  I am happy that I have been blessed with the determination to still be dealing with this after 2+ years (trying to get to goal).  I know that it will be many more years than that (maintaining).  What I am talking about is the feelings of "grief" that I feel.  I feel it when I look at pictures of me when I was bigger.  I look at those pictures and I feel like I am looking back at someone else...ME?  Yup, right there hits the nail on the head. 

I am still Monica...I am still the sappy, overly sensitive, give the shirt off my back even if it's the one I am wearing at the moment (LOL), can't seem to say no to people, will talk to complete strangers about anything.  And yet, I don't feel like "her" anymore.  "Her" meaning the person I see in pictures.  She was insecure.  She was happy, but miserable inside.  She had no confidence.  I know that it will take time to get used to the feelings that I have been dealing with.  I know that with time I will look back at the pictures and not be bothered by them.  I will NOT get rid of them (I don't want anyone to think that I am going on a picture purging binge)!

I love the woman that I have become and I know that I still have a lot more to learn but I can say now without a doubt that I am the "me" that I am supposed to be!  I just have to learn to accept that there might not be people who accept this new "me."  That is fine, because I have to be comfortable with me...I have to feel "right" with myself and my thoughts.   I have been blessed beyond words...God has given me the continued strength to do this! 

"Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement."~~
Golda Meir

Thursday, June 2, 2011

"So shines a good deed in a weary world..."~~William Shakespeare

This blog posting has nothing to do with my weight loss or feelings or etc. today but I just felt compelled to write about what I witnessed that made my heart just melt...

I was at school today serving slushies for Field Day (was affectionately nicknamed Slushie Lady by a little fella) and was running low, big time, of blue raspberry.  The one 4th grade class that came through the line was probably the most mature set of kids that I have seen in a long time.  I explained to them how I didn't have a lot of the blue left and that we still had the one afternoon Kindergarten class left to give slushies to and so they put aside their own needs to make sure that the Kindergarten class could have a choice between the two colors.  So, after the Field Day was done and the machine was all washed up and put away for another time, I went into the office and told them about this wonderful group of kids.  I wanted to do something for them.  We have "scales" for our dragon (mascot) in the main hallway.  They are rewards and the kids love to earn "scales".  So, I got 28 scales and they let me go into their room and hand them out and say something to the kids.  I told the kids how nice it was of them to put other's needs before theirs.  I told them if they do that in life that they will go far!! 

Another instance today...I was walking out of the Pizza place tonight with my hands full.  There was a young man with special needs that had just walked in with his Mom.  He got both doors for me and probably would've opened my car door for me too, if I would've let him.  LOL! 

What I find funny, is how a bunch of young kids and a young man who is mentally handicapped can see what needs to be done in this world but yet, there are people still running around that are only out for themselves.  It restores my faith in the fact that there are still good people in this world.  I'm so glad that my parents taught me well!  So, thank you to my folks for being a fine example to live my life by!  I may have given you a few gray hairs, I may have broke curfew a few hundred times, I may have dated a questionable boy or two, but I always had good intentions!  ;-)

In a world that is changing all the time, it is nice to see my "old school" thinking is not so bad and that there are others who have that same set of core values installed in them.  I'm hip, I'm cool (ha! ha!) but this girl is still just that...A SMALL TOWN GIRL!

Our deeds follow us, and what we have been makes us what we are.”~~John Dykes