Getting back to what I felt inspired to write about...it's the part at the end of the song that hits on the head for me.
I wish that someone would've told me how different I would feel. I see the changes...the obvious ones, but I still feel like I am in there. Sometimes, when I see someone in a store, they just stare at me. It gets to me. Are they trying to figure out who I am? And what really gets to me is when someone walks right past me as if I am a complete stranger to them. I know I should put myself in their shoes 'cause they probably are trying to figure it out themselves. I guess I get it...I see me when I look in the mirror but I also see someone else..."From where I stand at the crossroad's edge
There's a path leading out to sea
And from somewhere deep in my mind
Sirens sing out loud, songs of doubt, as only they know how
But one glance back reminds and I see
Someone else, not me.
I keep looking back at someone else... me?" ~~"Someone else" by Queensryche
Don't get me wrong...I still would've lost the weight. I am happy that I have been blessed with the determination to still be dealing with this after 2+ years (trying to get to goal). I know that it will be many more years than that (maintaining). What I am talking about is the feelings of "grief" that I feel. I feel it when I look at pictures of me when I was bigger. I look at those pictures and I feel like I am looking back at someone else...ME? Yup, right there hits the nail on the head.
I am still Monica...I am still the sappy, overly sensitive, give the shirt off my back even if it's the one I am wearing at the moment (LOL), can't seem to say no to people, will talk to complete strangers about anything. And yet, I don't feel like "her" anymore. "Her" meaning the person I see in pictures. She was insecure. She was happy, but miserable inside. She had no confidence. I know that it will take time to get used to the feelings that I have been dealing with. I know that with time I will look back at the pictures and not be bothered by them. I will NOT get rid of them (I don't want anyone to think that I am going on a picture purging binge)!
I love the woman that I have become and I know that I still have a lot more to learn but I can say now without a doubt that I am the "me" that I am supposed to be! I just have to learn to accept that there might not be people who accept this new "me." That is fine, because I have to be comfortable with me...I have to feel "right" with myself and my thoughts. I have been blessed beyond words...God has given me the continued strength to do this!
"Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement."~~