You're human...cut yourself some slack!!

It's funny what inspires me to write in my blog.  It can be a simple quote I have found on the internet that "jumps" out at me and makes me feel the need to write.  And that was one I found today.  I have weigh-in this week.  I actually should have had it last Thursday but I knew in my heart that it was not going to be good so I moved it back a week.  I can do that because I'm the one in charge!  LOL!

I get discouraged easily.  I try not to do that.  It is a huge undertaking to push yourself all the time.  To motivate yourself enough to run (exercise) daily, to not overeat, and to eat healthy.  And once in awhile, this girl gets a little slack happy!  I don't always want to run! I enjoy it but it takes a lot mentally to get me started.  That first step is the hardest!  LOL!! There are days where I would just as soon skip my run.  There are days where I just want to snack on everything.  It doesn't matter if I am hungry or not.  And there are days where I skip meals because I am busy or because it will save money.  

It's a constant battle.  Some people are born lucky enough to not gain at all.  They have wonderful metabolism's.  Some people don't even have to move a step and lose it.  I'm just one of the few who breathe and I gain weight from air!  LOL!  It's in my genes!  But I have the ability to change it but I also have the ability to cut myself some slack too!

For the first year since I started this journey, I cut myself some slack and enjoyed eating Thanksgiving dinner.  I will do the same on Christmas.  I didn't the first year.  I was so centered on losing that I didn't enjoy the reason for the day.  I'm finding out that you can cut yourself some slack.  Holidays are the hardest time to lose weight.  There are so many goodies being thrown at you, so many yummy dishes that you normally don't eat, thrown at you.  It's a matter of choices, a matter of how "hard ass" you want to be on yourself.  I personally would rather eat that day, enjoy the time spent with loved ones.  I can work harder the next day.  I would much rather make memories than to be a stick in the mud because I didn't get to partake in anything for fear that I will gain.

I know that this will take me a long time.  It didn't happen overnight and I'm glad that I see that now.  I will get to goal as long as I keep trying, keep running, keep at it.  When I get discouraged, I just need to take a step back and realize that as long as I am doing my best and that I'm enjoying a little bit of this journey then who cares how long it takes?  There is the saying good things come to those who wait and I believe that!  I have enough determination, perseverance and I can't believe I am saying this...PATIENCE, to make this happen!  

I am human...I'm glad that I see that now!

Inner Peace

Inner Peace...what a funny thing!  I know most people don't think of it as funny.  I mean funny, as in the sense of a person trying as they might to attain it.  The more you wish for it, the more unattainable it is.  I had just about given up.  I would pray for it, read things about it, you name it.  Couldn't understand why I felt off!  I felt like I was losing it, mentally.

I know that I have finally accepted a lot of things in my life.  I have accepted that I can't make people like me.  I have accepted that I can't control other people.  I have accepted that no matter how much I run or how good I do eating wise, that sometimes, even my best is not enough. I have accepted that I am me, that I have a lot to offer and if people aren't accepting of me then that is their problem and that I'm doing my best and that is their loss.

I have a weigh-in this Thursday morning and for once, I'm not obsessed about it.  I'm not over-thinking it.  I am at peace about it.  There has been so much I have learned over these 3+ years that I have been "at" this.  I call it a journey and that is what it is.  It's more than looking good.  It's about feeling good outside but even more...feeling good inside.  To feel better about myself.  To not put myself down.  Life is hard enough that I don't have to add to it.

I have been through so many changes.  My outlook on life has changed.  Friends have changed.  I know some people have felt that I have changed.  I have but I'm still Monica and I have feelings too.  It has been one of the hardest things that I have had to deal with and accept.  You have to change in order to "grow".  If you don't grow then you aren't really living.

So, this inner peace thing has been such a blessing to me.  I feel better than I have for a long time.  Even if I have a gain this coming Thursday morning, I will be okay...truly okay!  I will just continue trudging on in this journey of mine.  I've finally accepted that I'm human, that I have moments where I don't feel like running or that I want to snack. I'm not perfect and I'm not striving for perfection.  I have finally accepted that I'm worth so much more.

"Peace is to be found only within, and unless one finds it there he will never find it at all. Peace lies not in the external world. It lies within one's own soul." ~~Ralph Waldo Trine

Feeling better about yourself...a slow process!

Life is a funny thing!  I have often wondered why things happen the way they do.  I think I have it all figured out and then bamn, something changes my thinking drastically.  I'm trying to do less worrying.  I'm the biggest over-thinker I know.  I like to analyze everything.  I don't know why I have did that for most of my life.  Was I born that way?  I don't think so.  I think you learn bad habits and then it seems like it takes a lifetime to rid yourself of those bad habits.  And God knows, I'm trying to rid myself of a few doozies!  LOL!

I have wrote about this before and thought I had it conquered but it kind of creeped itself back into my life. Just some things in life that kind of "knocked" me down. A person has the control over how they feel but sometimes, I think there is just some things that take a little longer to get out of your head.  I've accepted that I have issues with myself, with my self esteem, my self confidence, you name it.  I'm choosing to deal with them head on and rid myself of them permanently.  I don't want anyone to think my weight loss is me not accepting myself.  I want to be healthier and me getting to goal once and for all is just that...a goal! 

I know that there is other people out there that think that they aren't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, you name it. It's a sad shame that a person feels that way. I seriously could kick my own ass for even letting myself think negative about myself for as long as I have.  Decades...that is just plain stupid!  I'm a much happier person when I'm not over-thinking.  I can literally feel myself smiling from the inside out when I'm at peace. 

And it's so hard to explain to someone but that is one of the reasons I love to run.  The peace I feel when I run... it is priceless.  I see the beauty in nature and hear the outside noises but can "hear" the inside noises, if that makes any sense?  I get insight, clarity, balance, a peace about me during my runs.  I used to think it was the endorphins but it really isn't.  I just wish I could bottle up those feelings to last me throughout the day.  I'm learning though, that I can make them last by choosing to ignore the "demons" that try to get to me.  As time passes, those demons are slowly going away.  Because I'm choosing to not live that way.

And me losing the weight has helped with that.  I feel better about myself than I did before but I'm still a work in progress.  I want my insides to match my outside. I want to be the best Monica that I can be.  A person should want that for themselves.  Why would you want to be a half-assed version of yourself?  Not me! I'm not a half-assed person but I've been living life like that for how long?  I am good enough, I am smart enough, I am pretty enough and I will continue to tell myself that till it gets through this thick skull of mine!  

I have given control of how I think/feel to others for a long time.  I am my own person and I can't blame anyone else for me thinking/feeling the way that I do.  Just like my weight loss journey, it's a forever thing...a lifestyle change.  In order to feel better about yourself then you need to make changes and keep those feelings in check or better yet, rid yourself of the negative feelings.  And no one else can do that for you!  You and only you, can heal yourself!  

It's a slow process but it's still progress:

Accepting responsibility

Life is all about learning and growing and accepting changes as they come along.  No matter how many changes I have went through in the past 3+ years, I'm still evolving.  This is coming from a person who used to hate changes.  Kind of still do but I'm getting better at accepting them.  The things I constantly battle with is my self confidence, my self-esteem, how I react to people, worrying about stupid shit that hasn't happened yet.  I sure would love to put the blame on others for this and did do this up until last week.  I had my come to Jesus moment, so to speak.

I can't blame people for how I feel about myself.  It's like giving someone a gun.  They can't shoot you without you handing them the bullets.  I've been handing out bullets for so long.  Just like I can't blame anyone else for me and my weight issues.  I used to blame my parents on that.  Sorry Mom and Dad!   I was brought up to eat everything on my plate.  I had thinner cousins that would waste their food.  My folks weren't going to have any part of that.  They knew how hard it was to earn money to put food on the table and by golly, it was going to be ate at one point or another, preferably at that moment.  We did what they said (okay, maybe not always but shhh...we won't talk about that).  We were brought up in that generation where you didn't sass back.

Blame is easy to throw on someone else.  A person needs to own up their faults and I'm learning that big time.  I am not a perfect person nor do I try to be.  I'm human.  I just try to be me and I'm trying to be the best me that I can be.  A few weeks ago, I ran and had some wonderful insight and I posted it on facebook.  I heard some very valid points and got wonderful support in regards to it.  The one thing I know is that I can't expect anyone to fix me but ME!  I have demons and those demons are finding out that their hold on me is not happening anymore.  Find someone else to torture!  I'm in charge.  I don't want to hand any more bullets out.

In talking to other people, I find out that I'm not alone.  That we all have issues.  Nobody is perfect.  Everyone has something that they are dealing with.  I guess with me, I kind of put it out there with my weight loss journey being featured in a magazine and my blog here.  Not everyone is comfy with putting their "shit" out there.  I want to help people.  Even if one person reads this and thinks "Oh my, she just wrote what I'm thinking to myself"!   To know you are not alone, to know that you aren't completely insane is priceless, at least to me, it is!   LOL!

I am me!  I need to be more accepting of me!  I need to realize that I am doing the best I can and that I need to accept that.  Be done with it at the end of the day.  No sense of beating yourself up or beating a thought in your head over and over again.  Don't hand anyone the gun or the bullets!  You have a choice!  No one else to blame but you!

To be the best Monica that I can be!

I can't believe how long it's been since I blogged.  I really haven't had a lot of time to do it but I'm going to try to make the time.  Just like my running, writing is therapeutic for me!  A place where I can put down my thoughts no matter how insane they seem to be.  LOL!

I just finished something that I set out to do this past week.  It had been such a long time since I have been able to run 5 days in a row.  I think back to when I was running 7 days a week and that seems like a lifetime ago.  I see now that maybe that was not the smartest thing.  Your body needs a bit of a recovery time.  I have had a lot happen to cause me not to be able to do this.

What started me out on this weight loss journey and the running was that I had lost me.  I lost my self esteem, my confidence, my self worth.  I know that seems sad but life has a way of doing that to a person.  I didn't intentionally let myself go.  I just knew that I had to get "me" back.  It may appear to others that I was being selfish but anyone who knows me knows that I'm far from that.  I put other's needs before my own.  That is what makes Monica tick.  It makes me happy to take care of people but I also needed to take care of myself.

I don't regret for one minute taking the time to find "me" again.  I have found out a lot about myself in the whole process.  I'm one strong woman yet, I'm still the same sensitive, compassionate Monica that I have always been.  I have found that I can do things that I never thought I could do.  That I have the determination and willpower to achieve things.  I'm still trying to build up my self worth.  I still underestimate myself.  I have negative thoughts from time to time and I'm trying my best to clear those out of my head.

I also have gotten more comfortable with myself.  I'm getting comfy in my own skin.  I used to think you had to be a certain way, act a certain way, look a certain way for people to accept you.  What I have found out is that I had to learn to accept myself, faults and all and that I didn't need to worry if people accepted me or not.  I love people unconditionally yet, I couldn't love myself unconditionally.  That is what needed to change.

One thing that has helped me is this blog, putting my thoughts out there even if it means that I have complete strangers reading this.  It might help someone who feels like me or has felt like me.  Facebook has helped me with that and also writing for the St. Johns Locale magazine.  To put myself out there, for people to see my struggle with my weight, to know that I have had many obstacles to overcome.  To show people that you can do whatever you set out to do, if you just try.

Another thing I have found out is that I enjoy the simpler things in life.  I now find "joy" in things that I never thought twice about before.  It's almost as if I found a new pair of eyes in my "journey".  I see and feel things differently now.

I'm getting back to taking that time for "me" again.  I have had to rearrange my time for running once again to make it work.  It takes effort on my part to commit to this but I have to.  I need to get back to what I set out to do...to be the best Monica that I can be!

Setback/Failure and Knowing the Difference

Yup, I know it's been awhile.  The road to hell is paved with good intentions and I try to do everything but there are some days I just strive to make it through the day with somewhat of my brain in tact.  LOL!  It's not that I don't have anything to write about but I also have to save some good stuff for my articles in the SJ Locale too!  :-)

I saw this picture on a website that I look up images for quotes on and I really liked what it said.  It pertains to me right now with my weight loss and my running for awhile.

I just ran my 2nd 1/2 marathon last Sunday (the 22nd of April) one day before my 43rd Birthday.  It was a thought I had in my head for awhile and then kind of shoved it away for awhile.  About a week before the race, I was talked into doing it.  Mind you, I was not prepared for it.  I have lately been pushing myself to do  3 days-4 days a week running and the most I had ran lately was 6-7 miles.  Nowhere's near 13.1 miles.  I think I had a little death wish going on or I'm a big glutton for punishment.

I did this race to prove that I could do it again plus, I ran with two of my friends that I met during my first 1/2 marathon.  We hadn't seen each other since September so it was really nice to get together with them and do it all over again.  It was a cold morning with some wind.  Nothing that would stop any of us "insane" runners.  We don't let anything stop of us from getting out there and getting our "running freak on"!  LOL!

We started out running together for the first few miles and then we split up.  It's hard to run together when we all are at different levels of running right now.  I started out going too fast.  I wish that I would've slowed it down a little to sustain my energy for the last 4 miles or so.  But there is nothing I can do about it now.  It is what it is.  I have to say this race was definitely harder on me.  I don't know why but I do know why, if that makes any sense?

I made it to mile 8 1/2 or so without stopping. Had every intention of running the whole time without stopping and walking but my body had other ideas.  Some days, all is right in the head, heart and body.  I can get into the "zone" but Sunday was not my day for my "zone" run.  I had side ache pains, my legs were feeling like cement blocks were attached to them, and I was having trouble regulating my breathing.  It was just an "off" day.  But now that the race is over, I see that I wasn't all that "off".

It was kind of weird...I lost both Stephanie and Shawn in the race.  I think I might have been meant to run this race at some point alone for many reasons.  I wanted us to run it altogether and I'm sure we will have other races that we will run together that we can do that but this race...I see I had to do it alone.  It was a test of will and determination.  To see if I had enough "fortitude" to push myself.  I did but I also saw that no matter what I do, I'm not the one who is in charge.

I would run for awhile and then walk maybe 25-50 yards.  I did this a couple times and then I would see a signs that people were holding and then I would be back to pushing myself.  The best sign was "Don't Stop"! Simple message right there.  I sure in the hell wasn't going to be walking when I went past that sign.  LOL!  I got near the last few blocks before the finish line and I had had enough.  I wasn't going to walk across that line...No Way In Hell!  I cross that line all by myself.  The only thing I heard was my name and the town I am from.  That right there was worth it.

I grabbed my medal and I found the nearest area to go lay down on the ground and collapse.  To find a little area where no one would see me.  I layed on the grass and I cried.  I felt like a little bit of a failure.  I see now that I didn't fail.  I did that race.  I started it and I finished it.  I cried while I was driving to the race so I figured I had it out of my system.  Nope!  It's kind of a hard thing to describe to someone who has no clue what you go through running 13.1 miles.  It's a build up and then a let down.  I had no clue what my time was nor did I care at that point.  I was glad it was done.

I'm glad that I did it and I would do it again and I WILL DO IT AGAIN!  I found out that my time was 2:10.34.  It was slower than my first but it was not as bad as I thought it would be. I didn't fail...I had a little setback!  Always look on the bright side of life...you have to!

A little bit of a "V8" moment for me...

Good Lord...I felt moved again to write!  I'm thinking I just have way too much shit going on in my head and my heart tells me to write it down before I burst.  I have been struggling...with my weight, with eating right, with time constraints being thrown into the mix to mess with my running.  I've been racking my brain on what will work best for me.  It's all about timing for me...a little bit of feng-shui feeling for me.  It has to "feel right".

I used to love running at 5:30-5:45 a.m.  It felt "right" for me!  It worked for me but I got a job and that changed everything.  I've been struggling with a "perfect" time to run.  Well, I was feeling a little bit of a "pissy" attitude yesterday.  I knew what I needed to do.  I told myself that I needed to run.  I have to push myself to do it...make it a habit rather than a chore.

That is what worked for me when I started my weight loss journey.  I woke up everyday ready to walk on the treadmill and eventually run on it.  There were days where I was ready to hit the snooze button and pull the covers over my head.  I'm so glad that I pushed myself.  But fast forward to now...I've been making excuses (even though they are good ones...LOL!) why I couldn't squeeze in a run or exercise.

I'm sure it makes no sense to any one else but me as to why I think I have to exercise/run at least 5 days a week but at this point, I really don't care.  I have to do it for my mental well-being.  I have gotten "pudgy" around my midsection and the boobs...well, let's just say they have gotten puffier...LOL!!  Most people want that and I'm okay with that but when you run...puffy boobs can be somewhat of a problem!

Okay, I know most people who read my blog know that I write from my heart and this is one of things that I have felt the need to write about.  To write about how I feel like my body is changing again.  It is a fear of mine...seriously, a HUGE ASS fear of mine that I will go back to the weight I was before.  So, when I look in the mirror now or put my jeans on and see/feel that.  It scares me, makes me sad, maybe even a little disappointed in myself.

I am trying to be comfortable in my own skin...I really am but as a former heavy person, it does occur.  I don't want to go there....EVER AGAIN!  I fight this feeling daily.  I know that I just wrote that in my previous blog but I just needed to stress it again that I fight a daily battle with the devil, so to speak.  I have to learn how to tell that devil to just go back to hell!  Some would say that is a simple, yet easy thing to do.  Not with this stubborn girl.

I have to learn how to give myself credit for what I have been able to do.  To not beat myself up about it.  I have taken some time off of my running to give me time to get used to having 2 jobs.  To find that perfect balance of time and to find that perfect time to run for me that I wrote about earlier.  I'm hard on myself and I know it but it has been that way for 42 years.  Kind of a hard habit to break, wouldn't you say?

So, it was a little sign from above last night when I decided to run at 9:15ish at night.  I ran in the dark...it's one of my favorite times to run.  Less traffic to deal with...less people to deal with.  I had one hell of a run.  It's hard to put into words but I would say I had my "V8" moment last night.  It's been in front of me this whole time but I was thinking hmm...it won't work.  Negative Nelly at her best here!  LOL!  I was able to squeeze in a run and get to bed and get up this morning at 4:15.  I was afraid I would be "too wired" to sleep after I ran but nope, exhaustion set in rather quickly for me!

I'm hoping that it works for me.  I am hoping it's enough to jump start me back to losing again.  I am hoping it's enough to make that fluffy belly/puffy boobies go away.  To get back to being "toned".  I'm not a vain person...I just worked my ass off for so long to get healthier and to look decent and feel good about myself.  I gained self-esteem in the process and my self-confidence got such a boost that I felt better about myself than I had in a long time, IF EVER, actually.

I'm thinking Monica is finding that determination again....I don't think it went away...it just was "occupied" at the moment!

“There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can circumvent or hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul.”

~~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Over-thinking, choices, and growth...

It had been awhile since I updated this blog so I figured it was best to get to it!  I have to be "moved" to write and I just did my latest article for the SJ Locale and it is a doozy!  I am my worst critic but there are times when I write that I re-read it and think to myself, "WOW"!  I don't want to come across "too dark" in my thoughts but there are times when I wished that someone would've forewarned me to everything you think and feel when losing/gaining weight.  So, I addressed a little bit of that in my latest article...

I also found myself "over-thinking" on my latest run.  I ran 11.14 miles on Sunday with two friends.  Even though I was with people on my run, I still had time to think...to get that clarity.  It had been awhile since I had a long run like that.  I didn't realize how much I missed doing that many miles.  I was thinking back to last year at this time.  I was running at least 5 days a week and a minimum of a certain amount of miles.  I was still running inside on the treadmill.  I wasn't wanting to go outside.  I had no desire to even try!  I did it occasionally but it just didn't "stick" with me.  I couldn't understand when people would call their treadmills "dreadmills".  I loved mine...I had an unusual addiction to mine!  LOL!

I don't know if I just had to "absorb" it in for a little bit to get used to it but now, I would prefer to run outside completely.  There really is no weather that stops me.  It's other things that are stopping me from running right now...time constraints, excuses, you name it.  I got in two decent runs this week and it sure made me a little happy camper, so to speak!  I wish that feeling could be bottled up and sold because I could be a millionaire, right now.  I do think each time I add another run to the mix that it will help jump start my weight loss again.  I've been making sure not to give up my Thursday night runs and it feels good to still have that little bit of dedication left.  But I know I will feel better if I commit myself to more.  I just know that I got to get back to the running.  It's so hard to explain to someone who doesn't have that drive in them.  Probably makes me sound a little crazy...

I have it in me...it's still there!  It's just a matter of choice right now.  I'm choosing to do what I can.  It takes a lot of mental stamina to run, to exercise, to lose weight.  I'm okay with the fact that I took a little break from it.  But right now, I'm not okay with it and I'm fighting to make sure I don't lose any more ground.  I'm okay with putting this out there.  If it helps someone to know exactly what goes on in a person's head then so be it. If someone was to jump in my head then they would know that I fight every day to not go back to that weight again.  And when I have a gain like I did last month, it's like I'm fighting the devil. 

I tend to beat myself about things.  It may not make sense to anyone else but it works for me.  It gets me in "that place".  You really wouldn't want to be along on my alone runs 'cause I yell at myself.  And the things I yell at myself...not so nice!  LOL!  It's like having my own drill sergeant along for the run.  Who else is going to kick my ass?  It's better for me to do it 'cause that way I will learn more from it.  I take my own criticism alot easier than from others.  Always have...always will.  I have to experience things for myself to learn from them.  Nobody else can lose your weight, no one else can exercise for you, no one else can "fix" you.

So, I figure the best way for me to learn things is to jump right in and experience them for myself.  Leap if you must...

"All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous, unpremeditated act without benefit of experience.”

~~Henry Miller

A brick wall...

My status update on facebook this morning got me motivated to write.  So, I'm just going with the flow on this one!  This weight loss journey that I have been on has been such a rollercoaster ride.  I had to take a little break with the running because I just haven't had the mental stamina that I need to have in order to push myself to my limits.  And right now, it feels like a brick wall to me!  I'm trying like hell to knock it down without any tools in my hand other than my own "mental" tools!

I just had an abundance of determination before that I thought it would completely fill me up for the rest of my natural life.  I guess not!  I am learning that I will have to continually push myself, that I have to make the time to  exercise, that the world won't end if I don't get a certain amount of miles in or that I don't run that day.  There is other things that I can do and still get that balance and clarity that I need and crave!

I've made enough excuses and the only one I am fooling is myself!  Time for Monica to kick her own proverbial ass!  People don't get it with me and how I think!  I'm unique in that way...I will call myself names and I will tell myself things just to get me motivated.  It worked for me last week during my Thursday night run around town.  I called myself a name that I will not post on here (very naughty) and I yelled at myself.  It needed to be done.  I have been "content" to just run the same amount each time I run.  It always worked for me before...to not listen to myself.

It sounds quite insane of me but hey, this girl embraces her insanity.  It's what drives me, it makes me happy in an odd sort of a way.  I just remember running this summer in the heat and telling myself...just one more mile.  It's so easy to talk yourself out of a lot of things.  To be content with whatever...well, not me!  I know in my heart that I have to get back to at least running or doing something 5 days a week.  It works like a happy pill for me.

So, in short...this brick wall will come down.   I don't care if I don't have any "tools in my hand" to knock it down.  I have the "tools" I need with me constantly and that is my "mental" tools!  God gave me those and I plan on using them to get me through this...to get me to goal finally!  Enough with the excuses, Monica!  Roll up the sleeves and GIT R DONE!

"The principle is competing against yourself.  It's about self-improvement, about being better than you were the day before."~~Steve Young