Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Pride and Doubt

I haven't wrote in awhile and every time I think about doing it then something comes up and takes my inspiration to do it and shoves it right out of my mind.  Grief does a lot to people and this time experiencing it has hit me harder.  Some days, it just feels like a struggle to get through the day with my sanity intact.  I've experienced grief before.  I've lost a friend, classmates, grandparents, and my baby that I miscarried to name just a few.  My heart first got a crack in it when I lost a friend of mine 31 years ago.  I thought that was the worst thing I could go through.  I was a teenager and I really didn't know what losing someone was like.  The years have passed....that sorrow eased.  And then came my miscarriage and that rocked me to my core.  The years have passed and that sorrow eased.  And then came the loss of my Dad and that showed me that your heart can be broken to the point of feeling like you can't breath, to the point of feeling like you have lost your mind, to the point that you wonder if anything will ever feel the same to you

My Dad was probably the best teacher in the world.  He was a cutter and tool grinder by trade so he literally wasn't a teacher but in my world, he was.  He taught my Mom and my siblings and I so much about life.  He showed us what it was like to carry so many "crosses" or burdens.  He had to grow up rather quickly as a young teenager when his Dad had a heart attack at the age of 42.  My Dad was 15 and they had a farm and he had to take a lot of the burden on of being "the man of the house" while my Grandpa recovered.  He had help from his brothers and sister but a lot of the responsibility laid on his shoulders.  He fought an addiction to alcohol for 35 years.  I still don't really know the reasons why he drank.  He used to say that he would drink whether he was happy or sad, mad or glad, alone or with people but me being the analytical person that I am likes to know reasons.  It's my own burden to deal with (being analytical) and wanting to know more in this world than I need to! 

I don't think he ever stopped "teaching" me.  He showed all of us what it was like to have health problems (more than one) and have to live daily with pain.  He didn't know from day to day what would start hurting him next or what side effects he was going to have from all the meds (heart and rheumatoid arthritis) that he had to be on to live a somewhat normal life.  

When he gave up the drinking, I'm sure that he had a lot of self analyzing to deal with.  He had to deal with the guilt of the drinking and to put it behind him and he did.  He started living in the "now" but also had the future on his mind cause he didn't know how much of a future he would have and that he wanted to be "prepared" for his final days.  He got his house in order, so to speak.  And that is where he taught us all about faith.  The faith of not knowing but believing!

He knew what it was like for me to deal with my weight cause he had issues with his own weight.  His health and his meds took a lot of his weight away but at the cost of being sick and not having a lot of strength (muscle wise).  But he had strength of the mind.  He was such a big support of when I started my weight loss journey.  He was so proud of me that he would tell strangers about it.  When I went through my divorce and couldn't devote a lot time for myself to workout (cause I had to go to work) and gained some of the weight back, I just wonder what really went through his mind.  He felt such pride in what I had done with my weight.  I would like to think that he was still proud of me for what I accomplished.

I don't know about anyone else but as a child, I have always and even to this day, striven to make my parents proud of me.  My Dad forgave himself for the alcohol addiction so why can't I learn to forgive "me" for thinking my crazy thoughts of him not being proud of me.  For a multitude of reasons, mainly my struggle with my weight or for the fact that I didn't always live up to whatever standards I thought he had for any of us kids or for things in his own life.  I know that he didn't have a stupid expectation bar like I have in my own life.  I know that he loved me regardless of my flaws.  He had unconditional love for me and that is probably the best gift he EVER gave to me and it's also by far the best lesson in life that I was taught by him.

 I will strive to attain that unconditional love for my loved ones and mainly for myself.  I know that my Dad wouldn't want me to be thinking that way.  I know as a parent myself, just how proud I am of my kids so for me to think that my Dad or Mom stopped being proud of me when I gained some back some of my weight is silly!  I should never doubt just how much pride and love a parent can have for a child...especially if that child is me!