Thursday, March 7, 2013

My dark thoughts....

I'm apologizing ahead of time...this might be a little "dark" of me but I'm struggling with some thoughts that need to change.  I'm thoroughly convinced that my mind is not like anyone else's.  LOL!  This weight loss journey has been more than just losing weight.  It's been me getting back to "me".  It's me finding out that I'm stronger than I ever thought of being.  It's me finding out that I am deserving of happiness on the inside and on the outside.  And as hard as it's been and continues to be, it's me accepting me...faults and all.

I'm struggling with my weight right now.  I continue to run and it's very therapeutic for me but I think my body is getting comfortable with it...way too comfortable.  I push myself but I'm feeling like it's not enough right now.  As much as I hate it, I'm having to "change"  it up again.  I have to tell myself it's enough when I do a weight lifting workout.  In this precious head of mine...if I'm not soaking wet from sweat then I don't feel like I have did enough.  

I get very discouraged.  It's been 4 long years that I have been on this weight loss journey.  I have accomplished a lot but I haven't gotten to goal.  I see others get to their goal and I feel a wee bit envious.  I'm very happy for them and celebrate with them but a little part of me gets the green eyed monster going.  I need to realize that my journey is my journey, not theirs.  They might get there by other means than me.  When it gets all said and done, this girl will have "earned" it right down to every little thing that I have experienced along the way.  

I have to realize that it's okay to feel envious, to feel discouraged, to feel a little bit of anger, and a little bit of sadness.  It's not all sunshine and rainbows and I don't know of anyone who wouldn't feel those things after this long.  To have the determination and motivation and the patience (mainly the patience) takes a lot of "mental" attitude on my part.  I have to motivate myself daily.  I have keep telling myself that I didn't gain all this weight overnight and that it won't be gone overnight either.  I also have to keep telling myself that I'm only 27 lbs away from goal.  Not 108 lbs away from goal, which would put me back right where I started from and that will not happen.  I won't let it happen!

My mind works for me and against me.  I use my mind to push me, to tell myself to keep going when I am tired and not wanting to try another thing to see if my body will kick start itself back into losing weight again. My mind also starts being a bit of a "brat" and I will tell myself that I'm not pretty enough, thin enough, that I'm not good enough.  The negativity works to motivate me but it's a sick, vicious cycle and not healthy, one bit.  I don't do that as much anymore and I think I have gotten to the point in my journey that I'm starting to accept myself.  After 4 years, you would think I would have a clue!  LOL!  

With me putting this out there, it makes me more vulnerable but I think it's all part of the process. Too many people hide stuff about themselves.  I see it as holding myself "accountable".  I don't like to skirt issues or to throw things under the rug.  If I feel like crying, I let the tears flow.  If I'm upset, I will say I'm okay but my face/voice says otherwise.  I don't have a good poker face!  I have often thought to myself, I've changed how I look on the outside but how can I change the way I am on the inside?  I think a person can change their thoughts and actions to become more of a positive person but I also think people are the way they are cause it's in their physical makeup and some things are not meant to change but to be accepted.

I may be struggling with these last 27 lbs but I'm thinking I'm learning a lesson in this "struggle" and maybe that I was meant to have this happen?  I guess that would be the "Pollyanna" in me and always trying to find the brighter side of things.