What determines strength? I ask myself that question frequently. Is it the person who holds their shit together all the time or is it the person who can be real and raw with their emotions in front of people? Some say that is a weakness but I am finding out that being real, being raw shows that I'm strong enough to let myself be me.
When I set out on my journey 9 years ago (when I had my awakening), I didn't know that I was showing strength then. I was taking back my life. I was strong enough to put myself first for once and do what I needed to do to find that lost girl. I was strong enough to say that I had had enough. I didn't know how I was going to do it or if I was going to be able to do it....to be on my own...but I did it with a giant leap of faith.
I underestimate myself. I always have since I was a little girl. I didn't have the confidence in myself or the self-esteem to be sure of myself and my choices. I always had that protection, an umbrella of sorts, to watch over me and/or to do things for me. And I let people do that cause it was easier and it didn't cause me the inner turmoil in my head.
I have always been one to be critical of myself, to be insecure with me (which comes off as being insecure with others), to question my own self-worth. There are times where I'm secure in all those things and then I put that "sweater"on. My friend Barb called it that once and it has always stuck with me. That sweater is comfortable and when I take that off and get all gutsy then there is that inner turmoil that says to me, "what the hell are you doing, you can't do that or who do you think you are"?
But I'm finding out that I'm much stronger than I realize. I had been dealing with some female medical issues and working through them despite the nagging pain I was feeling. The first of the year, my body decided to nag me even harder and I finally listened to it. I had to have numerous things done before my actual hysterectomy surgery. Ultrasounds (the belly kind and the "inside" kind), physical exams, an endometrial biopsy done in the office that would make a grown man drop to his knees and cry, a scope inside of me and a D&C. And then you have the waiting on test results which tests that inner strength.
Strength comes from the only other option you have is to be strong. Strength comes from dealing with your self-worth, your self esteem, your self confidence and your insecurities. It comes from dealing with your own shortcomings, your faults, your mistakes. And it comes from not saying anything cause you will come off as a whiny baby. Strength comes from putting those big girl panties on and dealing with all the feelings inside that tell you that you can't do this!
But true strength comes from a belief in yourself (as little as it may be) that you can do this...that you can get through this...that you have made it this far. My hysterectomy showed me all that and then some. I found out a lot of things that I thought I couldn't do but was able to cause that was my only option.
So even though I have whined and I have cried and doubted myself more times than I can count....that I'm showing strength right there by dealing with it...by being real and admitting it! So... I am woman (yes even with my inerds gone) hear me roar! (Or occasionally meow when I got that "sweater" on that I talk about earlier 😉 )! LOL!
