There is this little inner fight with myself where I feel bad if I don't help people but when I feel overwhelmed like this and have a small little meltdown then I feel and look like the character in The Exorcist...minus the puke and head spinning around. LOL! I don't know if it's my upbringing or what but I hate it, truly hate it!
Why can't I say no to people when I don't have the energy and or the time? I need to practice this and live it out. The world won't end if Monica can't do it or Monica is in dire need of an adult time out! LOL! When you are a giver like me, you forget yourself. You forget that you need to be able to be okay with your "No's and your Yes's!
I kind of had an epiphany of sorts in the grocery store the other day. I'm surprised that I didn't leave in a puddle of tears 'cause my day was seriously heading in that direction. Is it pathetic of me to almost lose it over the can return's printer having an issue? All I could think about is how dare it have issues. I am busy enough and I didn't have all night to stand there waiting for a machine to put the cans in and have it end up having a printer error and not spit out the receipt.
I didn't have to take all those cans back right at that minute. Why put the pressure on myself to try to do everything all in one day. I should know my limits and boundaries on so many things at my age. It goes back to that invisible bar that I set for myself, for my work and for others in my life.
I used to hate having any alone time for myself. I know...many people crave it and/or need it just to recharge. I find myself now enjoying the moments where I can literally let it all out. Be it tears or be it anger or be it just me not having to worry if I'm not doing something for someone else.
I thought my weight loss/gain journey was pretty much about food and exercise and outward appearance. I never would have imagined me being on this journey to better myself inside.... to address some good things about me and to admit to some of my flaws.
I'm finding out that the world will still go on even if Miss Monica says No! I'm finding out that no one will get so pissed off at me if I say that I don't have the time. I have to do this for me 'cause if I don't then I give it all and leave nothing for me.
It's not selfish to look out for yourself and your needs. I'm learning to shut out the world and just sit and be still!