I just finished something that I set out to do this past week. It had been such a long time since I have been able to run 5 days in a row. I think back to when I was running 7 days a week and that seems like a lifetime ago. I see now that maybe that was not the smartest thing. Your body needs a bit of a recovery time. I have had a lot happen to cause me not to be able to do this.
What started me out on this weight loss journey and the running was that I had lost me. I lost my self esteem, my confidence, my self worth. I know that seems sad but life has a way of doing that to a person. I didn't intentionally let myself go. I just knew that I had to get "me" back. It may appear to others that I was being selfish but anyone who knows me knows that I'm far from that. I put other's needs before my own. That is what makes Monica tick. It makes me happy to take care of people but I also needed to take care of myself.
I don't regret for one minute taking the time to find "me" again. I have found out a lot about myself in the whole process. I'm one strong woman yet, I'm still the same sensitive, compassionate Monica that I have always been. I have found that I can do things that I never thought I could do. That I have the determination and willpower to achieve things. I'm still trying to build up my self worth. I still underestimate myself. I have negative thoughts from time to time and I'm trying my best to clear those out of my head.
I also have gotten more comfortable with myself. I'm getting comfy in my own skin. I used to think you had to be a certain way, act a certain way, look a certain way for people to accept you. What I have found out is that I had to learn to accept myself, faults and all and that I didn't need to worry if people accepted me or not. I love people unconditionally yet, I couldn't love myself unconditionally. That is what needed to change.
One thing that has helped me is this blog, putting my thoughts out there even if it means that I have complete strangers reading this. It might help someone who feels like me or has felt like me. Facebook has helped me with that and also writing for the St. Johns Locale magazine. To put myself out there, for people to see my struggle with my weight, to know that I have had many obstacles to overcome. To show people that you can do whatever you set out to do, if you just try.
Another thing I have found out is that I enjoy the simpler things in life. I now find "joy" in things that I never thought twice about before. It's almost as if I found a new pair of eyes in my "journey". I see and feel things differently now.
I'm getting back to taking that time for "me" again. I have had to rearrange my time for running once again to make it work. It takes effort on my part to commit to this but I have to. I need to get back to what I set out to do...to be the best Monica that I can be!
