Coming to realize.....

The alarm went off this morning and all I could think of is, "hit the snooze and go back to sleep".  Before I went to bed last night, I told myself that I was going to get up early and go for a walk.  It's funny how my inner self starts back into the same talk that it would do when I started running 7 years ago.  There would be a inner battle with me where I would make myself feel guilty if I didn't run.  Well, I found myself doing that same battle with my head this morning.  And all I can think of is, "yes, there is still that fire in there"! 

I know that life happened to me and I wish that I could give myself umpteen hours in the day to workout the amount that I did back when I started my weight loss journey.  That is not possible now.  I have more than one job, I have responsibilities like rent and etc. to take care of.  I'm sure these all sound like excuses but it's my reality now.  It was nothing for me to go for a very early morning run, lift weights, take the kids to school, come home and either walk 4 miles or take a nice long bike ride (more than 10 miles).

As I look back on that now....that wasn't healthy.  I'm not saying that I'm overly healthy now 'cause I'm not.  I have around 50 extra lbs on my 5'4 1/2" frame.  I had to laugh as I looked at my "on this day" thingy on face book this morning and 4 years ago I had posted that I ran to town and back 'cause I wanted to see if I could do it....12.6 miles!  Now 4 years later and I'm just excited that I woke up today with a spark of determination.  LOL! 

It was breathtakingly beautiful out this morning and I needed this "time out" in my life.  It's been a difficult 6 months dealing with the ups and downs of my Dad's health and his recent passing.  I was able to shut out noise of the outside world this morning for those 45 minutes.  I talked to my Dad, I did a lot of thinking and I was able to see the sun come up!  That right there is just a gift in itself!

By the end of my walk, I was coming back to reality.  I felt that "ping" of sadness that comes when you are in the midst of grief.  I somehow let that "noise" creep back in again.  But I also felt energized and I felt hopeful.

I started walking 7 years ago when I knew I needed to do something about my weight.  I got bored quickly with that and started running.  As I looked at my "now", I find that it's a little different this time 'cause I have sciatic nerve issues to deal with that haven't went away and also the big thing...I'm 7 years older now.  It's a good day if I wake up without something hurting!  LOL!

But the funny thing is....I felt pain when I first started walking and then running 7 years ago.  I pushed through knee pain, I pushed through back pain and I even pushed through sciatic nerve pain even back then.  I guess you could say that I was lucky this morning cause I immediately started out with shin pain and my thighs were burning.  I didn't feel I was walking that fast but I guess I was.  I kept telling myself that I'll just go to the corner and turn around.  Well, I got to the corner and figured I would just tell that little voice in my head to "shut the hell up and keep walking"!  I'm not a pansy ass by any means and anyone who knows me can attest for my bullheadedness!

I pushed through the pain just like I did 7 years ago.  I had knee pain, foot pain and sciatic nerve pain back then.  I was glad that I was bullheaded this morning.  And I was even more glad that I took the time out to "recharge" me.  I'm hoping that eventually I can build up from walking to a slow run.  It's just a small goal and it won't be the same as last time.  I don't have a magic number in my head that I want to get down to.  If I don't lose those extra 50 lbs on my ass right now (okay, maybe they are in other places too), it won't be the end of the world.  And I would be happy just to be able to squeeze in a little more "recharge" time.  If only there was 36 hrs in a day....lol! Kidding aside, I will just have to allot some time for this. 

I just want to be around for the ones I love and I think the journey that I have been on for so damn long has finally taught me a thing or two. 

Learning to take time for myself!

I'm sure that I have posted this quote before but it continually jumps out at me and pushes me to write about my feelings.  And as I signed into my account and saw the last time I blogged, it occurred to me to get my big old butt back to writing.  Writing is very therapeutic for me 'cause I get the shit out of my head.  It gives me back my clarity.

There is this little inner fight with myself where I feel bad if I don't help people but when I feel overwhelmed like this and have a small little meltdown then I feel and look like the character in The Exorcist...minus the puke and head spinning around.  LOL!  I don't know if it's my upbringing or what but I hate it, truly hate it!

Why can't I say no to people when I don't have the energy and or the time?  I need to practice this and live it out.  The world won't end if Monica can't do it or Monica is in dire need of an adult time out!  LOL!  When you are a giver like me, you forget yourself.  You forget that you need to be able to be okay with your "No's and your Yes's!

I kind of had an epiphany of sorts in the grocery store the other day.  I'm surprised that I didn't leave in a puddle of tears 'cause my day was seriously heading in that direction.  Is it pathetic of me to almost lose it over the can return's printer having an issue?  All I could think about is how dare it have issues.  I am busy enough and I didn't have all night to stand there waiting for a machine to put the cans in and have it end up having a printer error and not spit out the receipt.

I didn't have to take all those cans back right at that minute.  Why put the pressure on myself to try to do everything all in one day.  I should know my limits and boundaries on so many things at my age.  It goes back to that invisible bar that I set for myself, for my work and for others in my life.

I used to hate having any alone time for myself.  I know...many people crave it and/or need it just to recharge.  I find myself now enjoying the moments where I can literally let it all out.  Be it tears or be it anger or be it just me not having to worry if I'm not doing something for someone else.

I thought my weight loss/gain journey was pretty much about food and exercise and outward appearance.  I never would have imagined me being on this journey to better myself inside.... to address some good things about me and to admit to some of my flaws.

I'm finding out that the world will still go on even if Miss Monica says No!  I'm finding out that no one will get so pissed off at me if I say that I don't have the time.  I have to do this for me 'cause if I don't then I give it all and leave nothing for me.

It's not selfish to look out for yourself and your needs.  I'm learning to shut out the world and just sit and be still!