Wednesday, December 17, 2014

A silent strength...

It's funny how when you go through something it feels as if you are moving in slow motion and what feels like a struggle really isn't.  My life changed drastically 3+ years ago.  I never envisioned myself going through a few life changes all at once or so it felt that way.

I had lost a whole bunch of weight and was slowly over time changing but yet, I was still there.  As confusing as that sounds, I was going back to me.  I had lost me and I thought I was finding myself by losing the weight when in fact, it was really the journey where I was finding me and not "hiding" under the many layers of my weight. 

I really haven't given myself credit enough for making it this far without losing it mentally.  And I'm sure that there are a few people who know me well enough to say, "Monica, you were already mental"!  LOL!  It really is life changing when you lose a big amount of weight, you go from being a stay at home mom to working, you go from being married 21 years, never being on your own, to suddenly being on your own.  You go from putting everyone else's needs first and then struggle with the idea to put yourself first for once. 

But I also have had so many teachers along the way that have either helped me, supported me or taught me a few life lessons that I had to go through to appreciate the good and real, in some people.  I look at everything that a person goes through as a lesson.  Some of those things that you go through teach you way more than you want or way more than you need but it's something that happens.  You either learn from it and it changes you or get real bitter about it.  And as much as I hate to admit, I can hang on some shit for a really long time.

Those first few months on my own was a real eye opener.  I did more crying than I think I had ever did before (which if anyone knows me real well would be like laughing at that comment).  Not all of the tears were sad.  I was overwhelmed with everything.  I was learning how to do things that I never did before.  Even though I was 42 years old at the time, I had to grow up real fast.

I used to think being strong was not crying.  I used to think that it was a major imperfection of mine...almost a curse, of sorts.  I have found out that strength is waking up every day and putting your big girl panties on and doing what you need to do.  It's not letting the world break you.  Strong is being you in a world that is always trying to change you.  And the most important sign of strength to me is admitting your faults and trying to learn and grow from them.

I knew a long time ago that I was different from everyone else.  And as I keep on growing and learning from all of life's lessons, I see that I need to celebrate and be proud of the woman that I am becoming...