Thursday, September 1, 2016

Coming to realize.....


The alarm went off this morning and all I could think of is, "hit the snooze and go back to sleep".  Before I went to bed last night, I told myself that I was going to get up early and go for a walk.  It's funny how my inner self starts back into the same talk that it would do when I started running 7 years ago.  There would be a inner battle with me where I would make myself feel guilty if I didn't run.  Well, I found myself doing that same battle with my head this morning.  And all I can think of is, "yes, there is still that fire in there"! 

I know that life happened to me and I wish that I could give myself umpteen hours in the day to workout the amount that I did back when I started my weight loss journey.  That is not possible now.  I have more than one job, I have responsibilities like rent and etc. to take care of.  I'm sure these all sound like excuses but it's my reality now.  It was nothing for me to go for a very early morning run, lift weights, take the kids to school, come home and either walk 4 miles or take a nice long bike ride (more than 10 miles).

As I look back on that now....that wasn't healthy.  I'm not saying that I'm overly healthy now 'cause I'm not.  I have around 50 extra lbs on my 5'4 1/2" frame.  I had to laugh as I looked at my "on this day" thingy on face book this morning and 4 years ago I had posted that I ran to town and back 'cause I wanted to see if I could do it....12.6 miles!  Now 4 years later and I'm just excited that I woke up today with a spark of determination.  LOL! 

It was breathtakingly beautiful out this morning and I needed this "time out" in my life.  It's been a difficult 6 months dealing with the ups and downs of my Dad's health and his recent passing.  I was able to shut out noise of the outside world this morning for those 45 minutes.  I talked to my Dad, I did a lot of thinking and I was able to see the sun come up!  That right there is just a gift in itself!

By the end of my walk, I was coming back to reality.  I felt that "ping" of sadness that comes when you are in the midst of grief.  I somehow let that "noise" creep back in again.  But I also felt energized and I felt hopeful.

I started walking 7 years ago when I knew I needed to do something about my weight.  I got bored quickly with that and started running.  As I looked at my "now", I find that it's a little different this time 'cause I have sciatic nerve issues to deal with that haven't went away and also the big thing...I'm 7 years older now.  It's a good day if I wake up without something hurting!  LOL!

But the funny thing is....I felt pain when I first started walking and then running 7 years ago.  I pushed through knee pain, I pushed through back pain and I even pushed through sciatic nerve pain even back then.  I guess you could say that I was lucky this morning cause I immediately started out with shin pain and my thighs were burning.  I didn't feel I was walking that fast but I guess I was.  I kept telling myself that I'll just go to the corner and turn around.  Well, I got to the corner and figured I would just tell that little voice in my head to "shut the hell up and keep walking"!  I'm not a pansy ass by any means and anyone who knows me can attest for my bullheadedness!

I pushed through the pain just like I did 7 years ago.  I had knee pain, foot pain and sciatic nerve pain back then.  I was glad that I was bullheaded this morning.  And I was even more glad that I took the time out to "recharge" me.  I'm hoping that eventually I can build up from walking to a slow run.  It's just a small goal and it won't be the same as last time.  I don't have a magic number in my head that I want to get down to.  If I don't lose those extra 50 lbs on my ass right now (okay, maybe they are in other places too), it won't be the end of the world.  And I would be happy just to be able to squeeze in a little more "recharge" time.  If only there was 36 hrs in a day....lol! Kidding aside, I will just have to allot some time for this. 

I just want to be around for the ones I love and I think the journey that I have been on for so damn long has finally taught me a thing or two.