Being there at the right time and the right place!

I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to want to show my face ever again at my local bank.  Not because I robbed it or anything like that!  LOL!  I had a meltdown of sorts.  It's been a really long week mentally and physically for me. I had my orthopedic doctor appt on Monday and that wasn't the best appt news wise.  And I have had to clean for my normal people in the past 4 days but double duty for the past 2 days cause I have a mandatory work thing on Friday for my real job.  Besides the work being physically draining...it's mentally draining cause a lot of them are in their 80's or close to it.  I don't think I need to explain further other than the help I give them probably should be something their kids should be helping with but can't. And I have walked over 27 miles from Friday-Wednesday just to keep my knee in motion and to keep my ass from turning into a 500 lb. lady with my own tv reality show.  I'm just drained.

When I got out of my last cleaning job late this afternoon, I had a feeling that the tears were ready to fall but I kept myself together or so I thought.  I put the radio on and proceeded to wait till I could get on the highway from the side street.  A song comes on...not even a sad song but it was the catalyst to get the floodgates started.  I should have known better.  It could've waited but noooopppeee...I had to go to the bank to deposit money.  It wasn't like I had to right at that moment.

I proceeded to walk up to a teller.  They all know me real well there.  I wasn't sure what amount I was depositing and I was doing everything in my power to think straight. And then all of sudden, I started to cry.  Not just teary eyed but the ugly kind. I told her that I was just drained mentally, physically and emotionally.  They got me all taken care of and I was crying as I was walking out the bank doors....looking like a lunatic.

I get out to my car and was fiddling with my phone and all of a sudden this lady comes up to the car window and said how bad she felt for me.  She asked me my name and said she was going to pray for me.  She proceeded to stand there listening to me for at least the next 20 minutes. She said she understood where I was coming from and what I was feeling cause she had had her own issues 9 years ago with lung cancer and working hard for little to pay the bills.  She knew what it was like to struggle with that and her health.

She didn't judge me.  She just sat there and listened.  I know for a fact that she was meant to be at that place at that time.  I don't give a shit what anyone else says about coincidences like that. I was feeling so alone at that moment when I got out to my car and here comes this lady up to my window not worrying if I was some lunatic.  She was doing the thing that all of us need to do...to show compassion, to not be so damn selfish with our time, to not be so rushed with people....to actually give a shit about another human being besides ourselves.

Her name was Mary.  I told her thank you and God Bless her.  And I told her that I would be thanking God in my prayers tonight for sending her to me at that moment when I needed someone to just listen.  I hope that someday when some crazy menopausal lady (like myself) starts to cry hard in a public place, that I can pay it forward to that person like this kind lady did to me.

Acceptance and strength

I felt compelled to write today and I looked at the date of my last post.  It was almost a year ago and it was about strength.  Call it pure coincidence but me getting on here today was a big sign.  I thought last year's hysterectomy was a tough one health wise but that was a walk in the park compared to some issues I started having at the end of the year with my knee and still having issues with it.

The end of the year I started having some pain behind my knee and then it got painful to walk.  Given my family's history of blood clots, my family doctor ordered an ultrasound.  I found out at that ultrasound that I had a baker's cyst.  He referred me to an orthopedic surgeon to be seen.  It was a few days before Christmas and I couldn't stand it any longer and went to the emergency room.  All they did there was give me a pain shot and some crutches and told me that I needed to see an orthopedic surgeon which I was already waiting to hear back from.

I was finally able to see the ortho doctor and he immediately, by examination, figured it was a torn meniscus but needed me to get an MRI to find out for sure but gave me a cortisone shot in my knee to help(which was not my idea of fun).  I got the results and it was a torn meniscus.  We scheduled surgery for when I was off work during Spring Break.

I had the surgery and came home that day.  Walked out of the hospital with no crutches, went upstairs with no problems.  Hell, I walked out to my mailbox and got the mail with very minimal pain.  Got my ice machine all hooked up to help with the swelling.  I went to bed that night with very minimal pain.  Was able to sleep pretty decent and didn't wake up to take my pain pill.  That was a big mistake...HUGE!  Woke up with a pain level that was beyond their little charts.  I was praying for death or a sawzall to cut my leg off, whichever came first.

I made it through those 2 weeks off and I was getting better but still had a little pain.  I fell just a little bit down my stairs 2 weeks post surgery but it was like I slid and so my knee went straight.  Took it easy the rest of that day and made sure I iced it and took some Motrin.  My Doctor said if at a month after my post surgery appt. that if I was still in pain to come see him.  At the end of the month's time I fell going up the stairs on the bus (my fault cause my knee popped and it threw me off balance and down I went on my knee).  I must have hit it hard enough cause I couldn't get right back up and me being the big baby that I am, started to cry.

I went to see the doctor and he wasn't too pleased with me.  He said I was dealing with a high q patellar something (I can't remember the word for it but he wanted me to go to physical therapy.  I hem hawed about it and then decided I would at least try it.  I was to come back after my therapy was done to reevaluate it.  I had an appt set but my ortho surgeon stopped seeing patients for some reason (I'm bewildered) so I had to find another doctor.  I was able to get an appt with a doctor that comes from another town to my hometown.

Well today was that appt.  I took everything in with me...my pics from the surgery, my x-ray from back in December, my MRI from January and all my post op paperwork.  I talked with this new doctor and he listened to me and examined it said he wanted to do an x-ray on it first to see if I had some issues happen cause of the fall.  He could see the swelling from the minute he sat down.  He came back in after the x-ray and went over the results.  He said there was some definite narrowing on the one side of the knee.  He wants me to have another MRI to see just what else was going on with it cause their was a part on the x-ray that he was questioning.

I sat there and took this all in.  I told him that I felt the therapy was helping but that I wasn't back to my full potential.  I was given it my 110% there but still had pain when I sit too long or stand too long or turn over in bed or put my left sock and/or shoe on.  He said that he wasn't sure if my pained knee movements were cause of arthritis and/or cartilage loss or if the meniscus got tore some more.  I told him that I have been doing some walking with the brace on but by the end of my walks I can feel it even with the brace on.  I told him that I walked this morning for 4.36 miles and you would have thought that I said I ran a full marathon.  He said that was too much and for right now until we get that MRI done to not be pushing it.

I started to get teary eyed.  I told him that I used to be a runner.  That I ran 2 half marathons, 2 10 mile races and a few 5K's.  I told him that I haven't been able to get back to running cause of mostly my knee (I have sciatic issues but that is nothing compared to the feeling of your knee slamming down).  I told him that I am not meant to be a sedentary person that I lose weight only when I add exercise to my dieting.  My own family doctor has seen that with me.

I'm sure my new ortho doctor thought I was being a typical woman with hormonal issues but that was/is not the case with me. It's the frustration that I can't do what I want to do.  It's the frustration of it not getting back to 100% with me.  It's the frustration of gaining weight....weight that I lost working my ass off to accomplish that. While I haven't totally gained everything back (which I am trying to find the silver lining in this), it still ticks me off.  My body isn't letting me do the shit I want.  The drive and determination is there but it's been one thing or another.

I'm guessing that there might be a lesson to be learned in all this....that I might have to get just a little bit stronger so that I can learn to accept that my body is telling me these things that I need to hear and that I might not be able to do what I once did.  I have to look at it, as all part of the journey that I have been on, the weight loss, the weight gain, finding my inner strength, fighting my demons, becoming the person that I am now and eventually being able to find inner peace.  Maybe it's not the destination that matters but the journey getting there is what does.  Maybe my journey isn't about all those things in my head that I think I need to accomplish to be considered successful but in the lessons to be learned and accepted?