Seeing through other people's eyes and hearts!

I had an in-service at work on Monday and they showed us this video that was very moving.  I immediately wrote down the quote that was at the beginning 'cause I knew I wanted to write about it.  It hit close to home with me!  The one thing that I like about these in-services is that they include an exercise or a lesson for each of us to take home and try to use in our lives.  They make you think and it is always something good that we can apply to ourselves and on our job.

And what hit home to me is that I need to be more empathetic to other people's issues going on.  I need to take a step back more often and realize that my issues are small compared to other people's problems/issues.  And sometimes you don't always know or can see what is going on with other people.  Some people are very private and no one knows what they think or feel.  They hide all that inside for a lot of reasons.

There are times, more than I like to admit, that I'm guilty of not doing this.  I'm in my own little world and can't see past whatever is going on outside of my mind.  This is something that I think a lot of people are guilty of...not being empathetic enough.  I believe that we, as a society, need to practice more compassion/empathy for others.

You don't realize that sometimes that person you see on the street who looks like they have their shit together really doesn't.  There are a lot of people that are really good at hiding behind a smile or that laugh that you hear.  They have so much more going on and you don't realize it!  And I hope
to learn from this,..to try to be a little more empathetic and a lot less self-centered!

Self discovery...one thing you can control!

I'm finding out that self-discovery can be a bit of a bitch.  It feels like a roller coaster that you want to jump off of but you can't 'cause there is only one way out and backwards IS NOT IT (even though it is what you are used to)!  You learn so much about yourself....what makes you tick, what pisses you off, and what you can improve on.

I have said this numerous times before...I am very grateful that I am sane enough to see what I need to fix about myself.  To see one's issues, to admit to your own shortcomings...it takes courage!   And while I don't see myself as strong...I really am...to admit and "own" these things!

And as bad as it sounds, I need to stop worrying about other people's issues and just deal with my own.  I am a "fixer" or peacemaker by nature.  I would rather have everyone get along.  I don't like to see grudges being held.  I don't like to see people not admit to their own problems (thinking that they are never at fault).  But as I go through my own self-discovery, I see I have a few grudges (if that is what you call them) that I'm hanging onto!

I need to learn to let go of a bunch of stuff and it by far, has been one of my hardest things EVER that I need to do.  I guess I like to hold onto that shit like luggage!  LOL!  Sometimes, it's the perspective from others or just my own plain "slow in coming to my brain" moments.  I don't know why I do it but I hate it and I just need to learn that I can't control every single little thing that happens to me!

There are those days where my head literally hurts and nights where I can't shut my brain off.  And then there are those days where I am "still" and my head literally breathes a sigh of relief...for a moment!  I want more of those "still" moments.  And I need to realize that that is the only thing that I can control!  I get to choose!  No one chooses but me! The only thing that I can control...

So thankful that I can see this!  Now if I can just make this happen, ahhh....

Holy Schnikes!  Two posts in one week!  There are so many thoughts that run through my head daily (okay, hourly) and I try to get them out this way.  Writing is therapy for me.  It is where I can say what I want without feeling judged.

I got in 2 runs this week and I think that has a lot to do with me doing a little more thinking.  Running gives me clarity and balance and works that brain of mine for the good.  Sometimes when I run, the thoughts I have might not be all that positive but I have to remember they are my thoughts and as silly as some of them are, they pop in my head.  The main thing is...I have to learn is to filter those thoughts and shove the bad ones out the door...which is hard as hell!

But then there comes a time when some of those thoughts are a bit of an epiphany of sorts.  And that was what happened on my run this morning.  When I started my weight loss journey, I did it in the hopes that as I got my body to look the way I wanted...that it would make me happy.  It seriously brought out thoughts and feelings that I had bottled up for many years.  I was very far off base!

A thing that I am learning on this journey is that money doesn't buy you happiness, people don't give you happiness.  You can feel happy momentarily when you spend that money but then reality sets in and those things that you are struggling with are still there.  Just like with drinking alcohol or getting high...the problems will still be there after you come down from that euphoria.

One thing that I have noticed these past 6 years.. is that every little loss or gain affects me.  It takes over my emotions.  Even if I feel okay with a gain, deep down I let it get to me.  And if I lose...it's like I start looking at that number and I feel like it isn't enough.  When in fact, I should be celebrating a loss no matter how little.  And life can be that way too!  I'm very guilty of that!

I'm trying my hardest to bring this invisible bar that I have down to a realistic level.  I want to be content with a loss.  I want to be content with my performance on any job that I do.  I want to look at the bigger picture on things instead of concentrating on the negative.  I have faith in myself that I can do this and I know that I have the determination to make it happen!

And as I ran this morning for the 2nd time in 3 days, I was reminded of my determination and faith.  It was 4 years ago that I ran my first race...a 10 miler!  I can't say that it didn't get to me this morning to not be participating in it but I am far from ready "performance wise" to do it!  I will get there once again!  And if I don't....that will be fine too!  I will look back on this and smile, not frown.

It's all on how you look at things.....:D

Glass 1/2 empty=a negative me!

Ahhh...there are so many things that I wish that I could change about myself.  I know...a person doesn't need to change who they are.  Maybe what I meant is that I fight like hell to change some stuff and really I don't need to change those things.  I need to change how I view things, think about things, react about things.

I dislike that I look at things "glass 1/2 empty".  I dislike that I look at good things ending too quickly (Christmas, Birthdays, spending time with loved ones and friends).  And one thing that dislike about myself the most is that I beat myself up about every little thing.

There are a lot of people out there that don't know this about me...that I feel unworthy of love, that I look at the negative side when things are going great (that there will be a ball that drops).  I look at things so differently.  Some days I wonder when that all started and I wish that I could go back in time and stop that shit from happening.

So as I go through life now, things like this become a struggle for me.  I don't want that attitude.  I want to be the person who sees that glass 1/2 full!  I really think it's inherited.  My Dad is the same way...Mr. Pessimistic!  I think that adopted this attitude as a protective measure.  I don't like to be disappointed. 

Well, I can see how dumb that really is!  A person can't protect themselves from every little boo-boo.  Life is full of beautiful moments but then life is also full of disappointments.  And if you spend your time thinking about the latter, you will have wasted those beautiful moments that you should be savoring.  Those moments let you know just how "alive" you are!  

And I had one of the sweetest moments happen to me today at the recycling center.  One of the students on my bus this summer, last summer and the summer before that, saw me there.  There is nothing better than hearing "Hi Monica" and getting a hug and seeing a huge smile come from a child with a lot of issues going on.

That child and a few others give me those "smack myself silly" moments.  You know...the ones where you literally feel like someone is showing you just how pitiful your little party that you are trying to have...really is!  That child doesn't see the glass as 1/2 empty or 1/2 full.  That child is just plain happy to have a glass!  LOL!

I swear, I will change this about me.  It isn't a bad thing to want to be better and to grow from certain qualities in yourself that you don't really like.  I think it would be worse to remain in my glass 1/2 empty thinking.  

And the main thing I have to remember is that I have the power to fill that glass and empty that glass!  

There is a time for everything....

I was just thinking today about how many things I thought were a struggle or a crisis at the moment really weren't at all!  That is the thing about hindsight and how great it would be to have that ahead of time.  The one thing that I know is that life doesn't come without a little bit of struggle, sadness, grief and etc.

Maybe that is where my outlook on life comes in and I believe everything will get better no matter how bad anything you go through in life can be.  It's that "Don't Stop Believing" attitude of mine which is a good thing and a bad thing all wrapped up!  I set a bar for myself and it tends to be a little high some times...

I have dealt with a lot in my 46 years and as much as I would like to say that I didn't want to go through anything, it's a part of my life experiences and has molded me for who I am and how I think. And it has made me stronger than I would like to make myself out to be but has made me be a little cynical too!

That is what is odd about grief.  You don't have to lose a person to death to experience the typical grief emotion.  It can be the loss of a friendship, relationship, marriage, job, your childhood, your idea of how life should be and etc. And as much as we hate to deal with emotions and such, you have to deal with it, in your own way.  

I lost a friend of mine 29 years ago this week and I was young and devastated at the time.  I had lost only a great grandparent or two at that time in my life and so I didn't know how hard it would be for me to deal with.  And as cruel as life can be, I lost a classmate later that year.  Experiencing that grief earlier in the year helped but then another death happens and you get that ripped open feeling again.

I see now that time did heal that wound and what you once thought was unbearable becomes bearable.  And me being the odd duck that I am (lol) deal with things in my own way just like so many others do.  

We can protect our hearts as much as we possible can (build walls and such) but there is a time when you are alone with your thoughts and you just "see" things.  You get that clarity and realize that you have to deal with stuff.  You will come out of it a better person.  And that is why I love this:

A Time for Everything

 For everything there is a season,
    a time for every activity under heaven.
 A time to be born and a time to die.
    A time to plant and a time to harvest.
 A time to kill and a time to heal.
    A time to tear down and a time to build up.
 A time to cry and a time to laugh.
    A time to grieve and a time to dance.
 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
    A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
 A time to search and a time to quit searching.
    A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear and a time to mend.
    A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
 A time to love and a time to hate.
    A time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Putting yourself out there

Funny how you start thinking about something and the pieces just start coming together.  You find similarities between people and you just wonder why no one ever talked about any of their issues before.  I know...some people are private and others are just brought up that way or told to keep their mouth shut.

When I first started writing in this blog, it had to do a lot about my weight loss.  But it has become much more about the journey and everything that entails.  It has taught me a lot about myself...things that I haven't dealt with or that I'm dealing with now.  And as much as I dislike it,  I'm trying to embrace it!  If that makes sense...

Not everyone is comfortable looking within themselves.  And I know a few people who have went to therapy and stopped going cause they didn't want to place any blame on themselves.  It is so much easier to throw that on someone else.  And I was, key word WAS, like that.  I liked to blame everyone else for a lot of things.  My parents, my upbringing, my ex husband, past boyfriends, and etc.

I have shared so much of myself on here and a little part of me thinks that I shouldn't have.  That is the fearful part of me, the "what will they think" part of me, the unsure me.  But you can't help people if you don't put yourself out there.  And I find comfort in knowing others who have had a similar journey as my own.

I underestimate myself.  When I'm having a rough day and I start feeling rather overwhelmed with life and the tears are flowing like a faucet...then I feel rather weak.  I don't feel strong!  But I guess it's rather courageous to deal with one's flaws, one's imperfections.  Strong is not what you can lift.  Strong is going through life's struggles and coming out the other side better than you were before.

So...even if I can help one person by putting my struggles, my journey out there...to feel that they aren't alone in their journey, their self-discovery...then so be it!  Part of me getting comfortable with being me, being comfortable in my own skin!

The blame game!

There comes a point in your life that you need to look deep inside of yourself and start taking the blame for your problems or issues and etc.  You can throw the blame around and live in your own little world or own that shit.  I am very guilty of throwing the blame elsewhere.  And before anyone says to me, "Well Monica, you aren't being nice to "you" by blaming yourself for everything...you aren't being good to yourself by not accepting some blame.

For many years...far too long, I have tried to keep my hands clean, so to speak.  Well, my hands are just as dirty as others.  I have read articles, read books, you name it.  This causes that, that causes this.  Well, when does a person stop looking elsewhere to fix the real problem?  Which usually is within yourself!  Well, I for one, am going to try to get off the blame bus.  I hate riding it and all it does is cause me inner turmoil.

I liked throwing blame on my parent's for my weight issues.  They made me eat everything that was on my plate...probably just like everyone else's parents did during my generation.  Here I am, almost 46 years old and haven't lived with them for almost 25 years.  I didn't gain a lot of my weight until after I moved away.  Hmm...how are they to blame for that?  Yup, they aren't!

I liked throwing blame for my self esteem on some stupid boys in grade school who called me a dog. That was 35-36 years ago.  Nothing like holding onto something for so long that is poison to your mind.

My self-confidence and self worth and security were all affected by people who didn't tell me what I needed to hear or couldn't tell me cause I wasn't listening.  Promises weren't kept, people not telling you the truth, people hurting your feelings, etc.  So, instead of looking within myself to protect me and meet my own needs, I decided it was much better to throw the blame on my parents, ex boyfriends, former friends, an ex husband,and etc.!

I know most of you reading this will think I'm being rather harsh with myself, I'm not.  It's time for me to own that shit!  Too many people want to have a huge pity party.  Too many people would rather keep their hands clean and not look at their flaws.  They bury their head in the sand and then it starts chipping away at themselves.  I once lost myself a long time ago and I'm not going to let that happen again.

I have always written from my heart.  I have had a few people say that my blog may come across a little negative.  Well, this is my outlet.  It's part of my own therapy for me.  If it helps someone then great.  If it pisses someone off then don't read it.  I'm trying my best to become a better me, a healthier me (especially on the inside) and a happier me!  There is nothing wrong with that!

Look within...

What you see on the outside isn't always what's going on in the inside!

I found a quote and it just jumped out at me and so I knew that I had to write.  It is too funny how I struggle to write some days and then there are times that something hits me and I just know that I could sit in front of my screen and just go to town on it!  This is one of those times.

You really never know what goes on behind closed doors, so to speak.  My parents used to tell me this all the time and I used to think they were full of crap!  Sorry, Mom and Dad!  :-(  But there is so much truth in it, that it's not funny!  And to be totally honest with you, this is true with even myself!

Granted, I'm a little more open with sharing some of my struggles with my weight and with my running but there are so many more facets to my life.  I was jealous before of thin people cause they haven't known what it's like to struggle but a very wise person told me that I shouldn't be.  That I don't know what they all have to deal with.  Some of them do whatever they can to gain weight and they can't.  Or some people who are tall and would give anything to be shorter or vice-versa.

People tend to show the world their best.  They put on a good "face" or hide behind a mask.  I have been guilty of that myself and not afraid to admit it.  I'm just lucky that I have a few people who know me all too well and they definitely keep me in check...they see beyond that with me!   

People shouldn't hide behind a mask or put on a good face just to make themselves look good.  You really aren't being honest with yourself and with others.  It's not all that bad to admit to your insecurities or shortcomings.  People won't think less of you.  In fact, they might actually have more respect for you and the things that you have went through.  

You really never know how many people you help by sharing some of those things.  I know not everyone likes to share things about themselves.  I have found out that in sharing some of my struggles that I have helped people and/or inspired.  I know from experience when I miscarried my first baby and all of a sudden people were coming out of the woodwork telling me that they went through that themselves.  I never understood why they didn't share that before but there are some people who are very private and that is their prerogative,  And I guess that needs to be respected.

I just know that I'm glad that I deal with stuff whether I want to or not.  It is something that I have learned that no matter how much you hide it, how big of walls you put up, or how much you don't want to admit to your insecurities, shortcomings, or failures...they are there....with you constantly.  And there are people who can see beyond the mask and all those things and they are truly teachers on this journey we call life!

Learning and growing....

Just doing a little bit of extra thinking today.  Not necessarily a bad thing but normally for me, it is.  I chalk that right up there with worrying.  And then I wonder why my head hurts some days!  LOL!  I'm finding out that I'm really not that much different than others.  I know, you can't compare yourself with others but I'm always listening to other people, mostly women, and they do some of the same things as me...which is kind of sad!

I deal with all the goodies:  self esteem, self worth, self confidence.  And I have had this discussion with a friend of mine and she mentioned that we put on and take off our "jacket" numerous times.  I am so guilty of that.  I get almost a little bit too comfortable (cocky like) with that jacket on.  I take that damn thing off and then that's when the over thinking/worry comes into the picture.  I can tell you a few times where that jacket was on and I was unstoppable.  Not a bad thing to feel...as if you could take on the world all by yourself!  But then you throw some doubt in there when the jacket is off and BAM, that jacket needs to be put back on.

I'm working on trying to keep that "jacket" on at all times.  There is nothing wrong with being a little bit unstoppable.  It's better than the alternative.  The other things are just so negative.  And when you doubt yourself all you are doing is hurting yourself and others.  And anyone who knows me knows that I would rather skewer my eyeballs out with pitchforks than to hurt other's feelings or my own feelings.

I think my problem with those bad things came about when I was growing up.  I was brought up to not be boastful, to not act cocky, to blend in and not stand out.  Pretty much, sit in the corner and behave!  Not saying it was a bad thing to be brought up with respect and etc. but it made me question myself on just about everything.  I still have difficulties standing up for myself and having my voice heard.

I just hope that I have did good by my kids.  I try to let them be heard, be it bad or good.  They talk to me, they stand up for themselves, and they let their feelings be known.  They seem to have their jackets on and they don't take them off.  I never wanted them to have issues with self esteem or self confidence or self worth but I know that I can't protect them from everything.  And the main thing is...I've let them see that their Mom continually tries to work on all those things that need to be worked on.  I've shown them what it's like to human.

Continuing to learn and grow.....