Personal growth and lessons learned...

I'm finding out more and more people have had self-esteem issues just like me. People who I never would've imagined have felt the same way that I did. I say "DID" because I finally decided once and for all, that it was "truly" time to put that behind me. I'm not going to lie and say that I won't totally forget it because you really never forget things from your past but it was time to let it go. Life is like that! You learn to let go of things, people, some times dreams, you name it. Yes, I would've given anything in the world when I was growing up to be well adjusted. To feel confident. To have no fear. To feel as if the world was mine. It would've saved a lot of years of heartache. But it is what it is!

I'm learning so much on this journey of mine. It's almost mind boggling. I feel overwhelmed some days with the emotions that I feel. One day I feel gratitude for the gift that I have been given but in the same breath unworthiness of that gift. The next day I might feel grief for the person I used to be. I'm learning to just try to go with the flow and enjoy this time and the lessons that I'm learning.

I say "lessons" because I am a firm believer that there is a lesson to be learned in everything that comes our way. We have to go through things in life in order to learn from them, to become stronger and better people. To have our "faith" tested. To find ourselves when we are "lost." To find meaning and beauty in life and the gifts that we are given. It's all part of the bigger picture that none of us even have the slightest clue about.

I was thinking of some of the changes that I have experienced. I've learned to step out of my "comfort zone". I'm doing things that I normally would've been uncomfortable doing. Example being... that I'm on the PTO Board as the Secretary. I was content to just go to the meetings. I was scared to something like that up. I've learned that I can handle it. That I'm capable of so much more than what I think I can do. I also started teaching Religion Class around the time that this "journey" started. The kids that I've had have been the best. To hear that they are excited to come to class on Wednesday nights does wonders for this girl's confidence! I'm extremely grateful for the opportunity to do that and also for the people who had confidence in my abilities even before I knew I could do it.

A little part of me wishes that I would've started this sooner - the blog, the weight loss, you name it! Timing is everything and I guess it just wasn't my time yet. I see that now! You just got to love hindsight! The lessons probably wouldn't have been learned and forever tattooed onto my soul, otherwise.

I love this quote and I've had it hanging on my refrigerator for years:

If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we are not really living. ~~Gail Sheeny

So, with that being said, these changes are good for me. I will just learn to embrace them a little better and have the attitude that I can handle whatever comes my way. Until next time...

A little advice would've been good...

The hardest part of this journey has been the changes physically, emotionally and mentally on me.  I didn't tell anyone that I was going to try to lose weight so there was no way to pick someone else's brain about it.  That is one of the things that I wish that I could've gotten advice on.  No one knows what it's like till they have gone through it themselves.  It's hard!  The way people look at me now, the way that they looked at me back then.  The comments that have been said, the comments that probably shouldn't have been said (I still laugh at those), the compliments, the criticism.  If anything, it has been a huge learning experience for me and for that, I'm grateful.

I'm getting better at just saying "Thank you" when I hear a compliment.  When you don't hear them a lot growing up, you don't really know how to react.  I was told by a really close friend of mine to just say thank you and be done with it.  Don't question it, don't over-analyze, just take it!   I won't lie to you...it has helped me with my motivation and has kept it going.   

I have my good days and my bad days.  It was worse at the beginning.  I cried a lot more back then.  I don't do that as much anymore.  I've almost gotten a little more thick skinned in the whole process.  I've learned that you can't make people like you no matter what you do or how you look or how you are.  Some people are just plain jealous.  All I can say to that is "Whatever, that is your problem, not mine." I'm glad that I have seen some people's true colors.  It's all part of life and growing up.  You find out who matters, who doesn't and who never did!  I don't want this part to come across as being negative 'cause it's not meant that way.  Just saying what is in my heart...which people need to do more often!

If I could do it all over again, which I REALLY NEVER WANT TO DO EVER AGAIN, is keep track of things better.  I have tried to make this as less stressful on me as possible.  I didn't log how many miles I have ran on the treadmill and outside.  I also didn't write down from the beginning how many lbs each month I lost.  I did somewhat on Facebook but I don't know if I could go back in my posts from 2 years ago or so to see. It's on the captions with my pictures that I have posted so there is some documentation.  Oh! Well!  The would'ves, could'ves, and should'ves don't need to "creep" into my life not now or ever!  "It is what it is."  I'm trying to live by that motto as much as I possibly can.

Life is what you make of it and if you want to change it, you "alone" have to do that.  No one else can do that for you!  As hard as it is, it's all part of the journey of life that we are all on....

Gratitude...Such a simple thing but needs to be said!

I've come to this conclusion... I have been given a gift!   I have a couple of friends/family in my life that have literally helped me fly.  They come swooping in and lift me up when my wings are broken and tired.  For that, I am eternally grateful.  They put into perspective things that I need to hear.  I can't always take that from a lot of people but there are just certain ones that can do that to me.  I definitely feel they are angels to me.  They may not think of themselves as angels but I do think that is what they were put on this earth to do. I'm also thankful for my hubby and my children for putting up with my insanity.  They get to listen to the music when I run whether it's time to wake up or not.  They witness "the sweaty mess" that is me when I'm done running/working out.  They have to live with me 24-7 and have been witnesses to many of the changes first hand.  They put up with my eating habits now.  They are also my gift and for that I'm eternally grateful!  <3<3<3

These posts are not meant to come across as negative.  I'm just trying to make this girl "whole" again!!  I have a lot of things that fly through my mind at any given moment and what better way than to put it down here where I feel most comfortable.  I'm going to try my best not to "fall back" into negative thinking.  It sucks the "life" out of me and that is not me!  I'm a "full of life" kind of a girl! 

I have a couple of things that I want to accomplish this year.  I want to get past my fear of doing a race.  It's hard to explain without looking stupid but here goes:  I would get lost sometimes on the course during Cross Country meets.  Yes, I'm ditz.  LOL!  I think in the back of my head that is why I haven't did a race yet.  That and I need to go to Playmakers and get fitted for proper running shoes.  My shoes that I have now have seen a lot of miles.  They are sweaty and they have been bled in (blisters on my toes and toenail damage).  They have a couple weak spots and some small tears. But they sure are comfy!  LOL!  I also need to buy some proper clothes to run in.  So hurry up and be able to be "submitted and returned" tax refund money!  :-)

My other goal is of course, the obvious goal.  I would hope by the end of this year that I could get to goal.  To lose the last 14.2 lbs.  I have 10 more months before the end of the year and I'm hoping and praying that this will be it.  I have been fighting this fight officially for almost 2 years.   And I do know that it will also be a lifetime fight.  At least, I know that I'm doing pretty good with the "maintaining" aspect of it but that isn't what I want to do just quite yet!  LOL!  But I will take it as a stepping stone to get to where I'm going!  It's all part of the journey I'm on and I'm finding out that I AM WORTHY of this trip! 


Just needed to put the words down here today!  DAMN, it feels great!  :-)

Time to heal thyself!! It's all about becoming comfortable with being myself!

Today is a good day to write!  I was thinking of the last two status updates I had and they have motivated me to write.  Yesterday's status was about starting to worry what others think of you that you stop being yourself.  I've tried that.  I know that I'm high strung.  I try not to be but that is me.  It is who I am!  It's in my genes.  It's like telling me not to breathe!  LOL!  I'm trying my best though to be less high strung.  I can relax with the best of anyone but once I do, the questions start happening.  "Are you okay?  Is there something wrong?"  I've come to the conclusion that I have to be okay with being myself and if people feel a certain way towards me, that is their problem.  I'm a happier person when I can be comfortable in my own skin.  I've always been this way.  I'm a people person.  I "take care of people".  I do things a certain way because of how I was brought up.  There is the old saying that a person is a product of their environment.  I will blame my family on that!  LOL!

Today's quote goes along with my facebook status today:  "You will only begin to heal when you let go of past hurts, forgive those who have wronged you and learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes!"~~Author unknown. I think I best take my own advice and practice what the quote says.  It involves my post from 2 posts ago titled "More to the story" that brought up past hurts when I was called a "dog" by my boy classmates.  I have let something like that bother me for decades.  I've let it live "rent free" in my head for years.  I've tried and tried to get passed it.  I have to learn how to forgive or it will eat away at me.  I'm too strong of a person now to let it fester some more in my brain and heart.  They hurt my self-esteem which basically was a scar on my soul. 

I truly believe that we are all given the power/ability to "free" ourselves and/or "fix" ourselves.  The running helps me with that.  It is truly just a time for me and my thoughts.  I do a lot of praying and thinking on that treadmill.  How could I not?  I'm on there at least an hour or more.  It's my own form of therapy.  And along those lines...I am doing some cleaning around the house right now.  Okay, maybe not right this second but I have been working on clearing out stuff the past 2 weeks or so.  I think that is all part of the journey I am on.  A part of that journey is getting to know myself and loving myself ('cause I hadn't deemed myself worthy of that).  And this blog sure is helping me too!  Who knew something I was so scared to do would help me so much?  Some would say it is crazy and some would say I can't believe you put your thoughts out there for everyone to see.  For now, it is only the people on my facebook friend list that can see it.  I haven't made myself public just yet.  I figure the ones on facebook can choose whether they want to read it or not.  I don't have a problem with people avoiding it or choosing not to read it.  That is their choice and I respect that!  I just felt the need to have someplace to vent or have an outlet for my thoughts and this was the perfect place for it!

Life is too short to hang onto grudges, past hurts, or whatever you want to call them.  They are toxic to our "well being."  I've had to learn things for myself 'cause that is the only way I can do it.  I can listen to all the advice in the world.  I can be in "awe" of people who are just a teeny bit older than me who are "stronger" and have that wisdom.  But in order for me to actually "learn" something from it, I have to go through it myself.  I think that is what has gotten me this far in my weight loss journey.  It's worked for me so far 'cause it was just me going through it.  Me being responsible for me.  I'm not against another other options.  I tried one of those options and it didn't work for me.  Me deciding to do it for me and not someone saying to me "just try this, it might work for you."  I guess it's time to clear some more "stuff" out of my life.  I'm going to try my best to forgive and move passed it.  I said it about a year ago but always had it in the back of my head.  Well, it's really time to let it go, to forgive, to rid myself of "stuff" that has took up residence in my head and in my heart for far too long!   I'm loving the woman I am becoming...and "Monica, you're not a dog and never were."  AMEN!!

Needing a good kick in the ass!!

Well, it's been one of those days for me today!  I have them enough to know that it will pass but not until I beat myself up just a teeny bit more!  LOL!  I wouldn't say I have been "naughty" but I have been getting a little too "relaxed" in my weight loss or for the moment, the lack there of!  I need to get to goal!!  I have to get to goal!  No one understands what drives me...hell, I don't understand it myself some days!  LOL!

I look at pictures and they get to me.  I know what you're thinking.  "Don't look at the pictures, Monica!"  The one I keep looking at today is where I'm 2 lbs. away from goal (see below).  I will get there again...hopefully soon!  I'm 14.2 lbs. away right now.  I have did the "change it up" thing.  I went from running 7 days a week to 5 days a week to running 3 days a week and doing cardio/weight workouts on the other 2 days.  A little part of me wonders if I should just go back to what I was doing before.  I also need to get back to being stricter with myself.   Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful so far with what I've been able to accomplish on my own.  I'm grateful that I still have the determination to do this.  It has been almost 2 years and I still am plugging away at it!  Most people would've given up but not me!  I'm a different kind of girl!  I'm quite bullheaded!  I will dig my heels into something once I have made my mind up about it!

I have weigh-in next week.  It seems to "hit me" around the week prior where I feel "blue" about it.  It's almost like clockwork.  I need to be better at controlling how I "react" to it.  That is where not having any emotions would come in handy!  Ha! Ha!  I do know one thing...each time I go in there and it doesn't go as planned, I walk out of there just a little bit stronger emotionally!   And for anyone who truly "knows" me will know that is a miracle all in itself!

Pick yourself up, Dust yourself off and Get on with it! You know you can!

 I feel better now!  Amazing how just writing it down helps me!

Until next time...

Katy Perry's Firework Song

I definitely like that Firework song by Katy Perry.  If you really listen to the words like I have, it pretty much sums up what I feel like now.  I never felt like much growing up especially the tween years until the past year and a half or so.  I know, I tend to dwell on that a lot but it's such a big part of my life.  I'm trying to get past it but when you're almost 42 years old....yikes...you just don't get "rid" of your old feelings/attitudes that easily.  I'm enjoying the new me.  I feel very fortunate that I have been able to accomplish what I have so far.  It has taken a lot of hard work, determination, stubbornness to get me here.  It has been an emotional roller coaster ride.  It has changed a lot of things in my life.  There is always that fear that I will gain back all the weight and then some.  It lives inside of me everyday but I try to calm that fear as much as possible.  If I didn't, I would go completely batty!!  LOL!!

I wish that I could go back in time just for a little bit.  I would've had a little talk with "younger Monica" and kept her from many, many years of feeling bad about herself.  I would've did my best "Stuart Smalley" impression and told me this:  

I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me! 

It's funny...as you get older you see some of the stupid struggles you had to go through to get where you are today.  Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for every experience I have been through in my life.  It has made me the woman I am today.  I'm different now,I  guess.  I have changed, but I feel I have changed for the better.  I'm still the wild crazy Monica that I always have been.  She just was "hidden" for so long underneath all that weight!!


I'm doing this blog to help me deal with all the changes.  It's therapeutic for me!  I have to be able to have an outlet for some of these thoughts that go racing through my head on a daily basis!!  I debated whether or not to put this "out there" because I figured I would get made fun of or have people rip apart my punctuation and grammar and etc.  I suck at that crap!!  I guess that is where I have the control.  If I don't like something that someone says then I can delete the comment or block the person...you name it!!  If only I would've been able to do that in middle school and high school.  It sure would've made life a lot easier!!  LOL!!

Until next time....