Determining strength

What determines strength?  I ask myself that question frequently.  Is it the person who holds their shit together all the time or is it the person who can be real and raw with their emotions in front of people?  Some say that is a weakness but I am finding out that being real, being raw shows that I'm strong enough to let myself be me. 

When I set out on my journey 9 years ago (when I had my awakening), I didn't know that I was showing strength then.  I was taking back my life.  I was strong enough to put myself first for once and do what I needed to do to find that lost girl.  I was strong enough to say that I had had enough.  I didn't know how I was going to do it or if I was going to be able to do it....to be on my own...but I did it with a giant leap of faith.  

I underestimate myself.  I always have since I was a little girl.  I didn't have the confidence in myself or the self-esteem to be sure of myself and my choices.  I always had that protection, an umbrella of sorts, to watch over me and/or to do things for me.  And I let people do that cause it was easier and it didn't cause me the inner turmoil in my head.

I have always been one to be critical of myself, to be insecure with me (which comes off as being insecure with others), to question my own self-worth.  There are times where I'm secure in all those things and then I put that "sweater"on.  My friend Barb called it that once and it has always stuck with me.  That sweater is comfortable and when I take that off and get all gutsy then there is that inner turmoil that says to me, "what the hell are you doing, you can't do that or who do you think you are"? 

But I'm finding out that I'm much stronger than I realize.  I had been dealing with some female medical issues and working through them despite the nagging pain I was feeling.  The first of the year, my body decided to nag me even harder and I finally listened to it.  I had to have numerous things done before my actual hysterectomy surgery.  Ultrasounds (the belly kind and the "inside" kind), physical exams, an endometrial biopsy done in the office that would make a grown man drop to his knees and cry, a scope inside of me and a D&C.  And then you have the waiting on test results which tests that inner strength.

Strength comes from the only other option you have is to be strong.  Strength comes from dealing with your self-worth, your self esteem, your self confidence and your insecurities.  It comes from dealing with your own shortcomings, your faults, your mistakes.  And it comes from not saying anything cause you will come off as a whiny baby.  Strength comes from putting those big girl panties on and dealing with all the feelings inside that tell you that you can't do this!

But true strength comes from a belief in yourself (as little as it may be) that you can do this...that you can get through this...that you have made it this far.  My hysterectomy showed me all that and then some.  I found out a lot of things that I thought I couldn't do but was able to cause that was my only option.

So even though I have whined and I have cried and doubted myself more times than I can count....that I'm showing strength right there by dealing with it...by being real and admitting it!  So... I am woman (yes even with my inerds gone) hear me roar!  (Or occasionally meow when I got that "sweater" on that I talk about earlier 😉 )!  LOL!

Getting to know yourself!

It's funny how soul cleansing a walk or run is. I used to run a shit ton and the balance and clarity that I got from it was beyond therapeutic. The walking that I have been doing since the middle of summer is darn near the same feeling.  I ran alone a lot.  There were times, few and far between, where I would run with a friend or two but it was never that same feeling.  You can't get that feeling when you are too busy yapping your jaw! LOL!  The same thing goes for walking.  But the bad thing about that is that the silence can be deafening.  And you better be good with that!

I find myself doing far more thinking than a normal person might like.  It's like soul searching...getting to know who you who are and what makes you tick.  And it's a big eye opener at times.  For me, I've found out that just like running, the walking is still stoking my determination.  It's still lighting a fire underneath my butt. 

If something is bothering me on any given day then most of the time it gets hashed out during my walks.  This morning I took advantage of the snow day for school and did a 5 1/2+ mile walk.  It was cold as shit out yet, I didn't notice.  I was extremely lucky not to have to see many people so that was a bonus.  I know that sounds bad of me but it's the honest to God truth.  I love that time where I go off the radar/grid.  There is no music playing in my ears.  It's just me and my thoughts and PLENTY of peace and quiet.  I got that balance, the peace, the clarity that not too many people get or let themselves get.

I think many people are so busy with trying to muffle out the world that they aren't really muffling out the world with all the distractions.  Shutting out the world to me is no phone, no music, no one talking to you....just SILENCE!  And in that silence you tend to find out who you really are and what makes you tick.  I have plenty of people who think they know me but I am the only one who knows me truly inside and out.  I show want I want to show but there is so much more than beats the eye with me.

I feel so many things deeper than most people.  I get my feelings hurt at the drop of a hat.  I get tense when people are discussing stuff (or arguing).  I get sad when I think about how fast time is going now as I'm getting older.  There is so many other facets to me that people don't see or they don't know about 'cause I'm very selective now what I choose to share.

I wish more people would get in touch with themselves and not be so scared to actually be alone with their thoughts and feelings.  I used to hate it but those moments when I'm by myself out walking...those moments are priceless to me now!