I used to love running at 5:30-5:45 a.m. It felt "right" for me! It worked for me but I got a job and that changed everything. I've been struggling with a "perfect" time to run. Well, I was feeling a little bit of a "pissy" attitude yesterday. I knew what I needed to do. I told myself that I needed to run. I have to push myself to do it...make it a habit rather than a chore.
That is what worked for me when I started my weight loss journey. I woke up everyday ready to walk on the treadmill and eventually run on it. There were days where I was ready to hit the snooze button and pull the covers over my head. I'm so glad that I pushed myself. But fast forward to now...I've been making excuses (even though they are good ones...LOL!) why I couldn't squeeze in a run or exercise.
I'm sure it makes no sense to any one else but me as to why I think I have to exercise/run at least 5 days a week but at this point, I really don't care. I have to do it for my mental well-being. I have gotten "pudgy" around my midsection and the boobs...well, let's just say they have gotten puffier...LOL!! Most people want that and I'm okay with that but when you run...puffy boobs can be somewhat of a problem!
Okay, I know most people who read my blog know that I write from my heart and this is one of things that I have felt the need to write about. To write about how I feel like my body is changing again. It is a fear of mine...seriously, a HUGE ASS fear of mine that I will go back to the weight I was before. So, when I look in the mirror now or put my jeans on and see/feel that. It scares me, makes me sad, maybe even a little disappointed in myself.
I am trying to be comfortable in my own skin...I really am but as a former heavy person, it does occur. I don't want to go there....EVER AGAIN! I fight this feeling daily. I know that I just wrote that in my previous blog but I just needed to stress it again that I fight a daily battle with the devil, so to speak. I have to learn how to tell that devil to just go back to hell! Some would say that is a simple, yet easy thing to do. Not with this stubborn girl.
I have to learn how to give myself credit for what I have been able to do. To not beat myself up about it. I have taken some time off of my running to give me time to get used to having 2 jobs. To find that perfect balance of time and to find that perfect time to run for me that I wrote about earlier. I'm hard on myself and I know it but it has been that way for 42 years. Kind of a hard habit to break, wouldn't you say?
So, it was a little sign from above last night when I decided to run at 9:15ish at night. I ran in the dark...it's one of my favorite times to run. Less traffic to deal with...less people to deal with. I had one hell of a run. It's hard to put into words but I would say I had my "V8" moment last night. It's been in front of me this whole time but I was thinking hmm...it won't work. Negative Nelly at her best here! LOL! I was able to squeeze in a run and get to bed and get up this morning at 4:15. I was afraid I would be "too wired" to sleep after I ran but nope, exhaustion set in rather quickly for me!
I'm hoping that it works for me. I am hoping it's enough to jump start me back to losing again. I am hoping it's enough to make that fluffy belly/puffy boobies go away. To get back to being "toned". I'm not a vain person...I just worked my ass off for so long to get healthier and to look decent and feel good about myself. I gained self-esteem in the process and my self-confidence got such a boost that I felt better about myself than I had in a long time, IF EVER, actually.
I'm thinking Monica is finding that determination again....I don't think it went away...it just was "occupied" at the moment!
“There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can circumvent or hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul.”