A little bit of a "V8" moment for me...

Good Lord...I felt moved again to write!  I'm thinking I just have way too much shit going on in my head and my heart tells me to write it down before I burst.  I have been struggling...with my weight, with eating right, with time constraints being thrown into the mix to mess with my running.  I've been racking my brain on what will work best for me.  It's all about timing for me...a little bit of feng-shui feeling for me.  It has to "feel right".

I used to love running at 5:30-5:45 a.m.  It felt "right" for me!  It worked for me but I got a job and that changed everything.  I've been struggling with a "perfect" time to run.  Well, I was feeling a little bit of a "pissy" attitude yesterday.  I knew what I needed to do.  I told myself that I needed to run.  I have to push myself to do it...make it a habit rather than a chore.

That is what worked for me when I started my weight loss journey.  I woke up everyday ready to walk on the treadmill and eventually run on it.  There were days where I was ready to hit the snooze button and pull the covers over my head.  I'm so glad that I pushed myself.  But fast forward to now...I've been making excuses (even though they are good ones...LOL!) why I couldn't squeeze in a run or exercise.

I'm sure it makes no sense to any one else but me as to why I think I have to exercise/run at least 5 days a week but at this point, I really don't care.  I have to do it for my mental well-being.  I have gotten "pudgy" around my midsection and the boobs...well, let's just say they have gotten puffier...LOL!!  Most people want that and I'm okay with that but when you run...puffy boobs can be somewhat of a problem!

Okay, I know most people who read my blog know that I write from my heart and this is one of things that I have felt the need to write about.  To write about how I feel like my body is changing again.  It is a fear of mine...seriously, a HUGE ASS fear of mine that I will go back to the weight I was before.  So, when I look in the mirror now or put my jeans on and see/feel that.  It scares me, makes me sad, maybe even a little disappointed in myself.

I am trying to be comfortable in my own skin...I really am but as a former heavy person, it does occur.  I don't want to go there....EVER AGAIN!  I fight this feeling daily.  I know that I just wrote that in my previous blog but I just needed to stress it again that I fight a daily battle with the devil, so to speak.  I have to learn how to tell that devil to just go back to hell!  Some would say that is a simple, yet easy thing to do.  Not with this stubborn girl.

I have to learn how to give myself credit for what I have been able to do.  To not beat myself up about it.  I have taken some time off of my running to give me time to get used to having 2 jobs.  To find that perfect balance of time and to find that perfect time to run for me that I wrote about earlier.  I'm hard on myself and I know it but it has been that way for 42 years.  Kind of a hard habit to break, wouldn't you say?

So, it was a little sign from above last night when I decided to run at 9:15ish at night.  I ran in the dark...it's one of my favorite times to run.  Less traffic to deal with...less people to deal with.  I had one hell of a run.  It's hard to put into words but I would say I had my "V8" moment last night.  It's been in front of me this whole time but I was thinking hmm...it won't work.  Negative Nelly at her best here!  LOL!  I was able to squeeze in a run and get to bed and get up this morning at 4:15.  I was afraid I would be "too wired" to sleep after I ran but nope, exhaustion set in rather quickly for me!

I'm hoping that it works for me.  I am hoping it's enough to jump start me back to losing again.  I am hoping it's enough to make that fluffy belly/puffy boobies go away.  To get back to being "toned".  I'm not a vain person...I just worked my ass off for so long to get healthier and to look decent and feel good about myself.  I gained self-esteem in the process and my self-confidence got such a boost that I felt better about myself than I had in a long time, IF EVER, actually.

I'm thinking Monica is finding that determination again....I don't think it went away...it just was "occupied" at the moment!

“There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can circumvent or hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul.”

~~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Over-thinking, choices, and growth...

It had been awhile since I updated this blog so I figured it was best to get to it!  I have to be "moved" to write and I just did my latest article for the SJ Locale and it is a doozy!  I am my worst critic but there are times when I write that I re-read it and think to myself, "WOW"!  I don't want to come across "too dark" in my thoughts but there are times when I wished that someone would've forewarned me to everything you think and feel when losing/gaining weight.  So, I addressed a little bit of that in my latest article...

I also found myself "over-thinking" on my latest run.  I ran 11.14 miles on Sunday with two friends.  Even though I was with people on my run, I still had time to think...to get that clarity.  It had been awhile since I had a long run like that.  I didn't realize how much I missed doing that many miles.  I was thinking back to last year at this time.  I was running at least 5 days a week and a minimum of a certain amount of miles.  I was still running inside on the treadmill.  I wasn't wanting to go outside.  I had no desire to even try!  I did it occasionally but it just didn't "stick" with me.  I couldn't understand when people would call their treadmills "dreadmills".  I loved mine...I had an unusual addiction to mine!  LOL!

I don't know if I just had to "absorb" it in for a little bit to get used to it but now, I would prefer to run outside completely.  There really is no weather that stops me.  It's other things that are stopping me from running right now...time constraints, excuses, you name it.  I got in two decent runs this week and it sure made me a little happy camper, so to speak!  I wish that feeling could be bottled up and sold because I could be a millionaire, right now.  I do think each time I add another run to the mix that it will help jump start my weight loss again.  I've been making sure not to give up my Thursday night runs and it feels good to still have that little bit of dedication left.  But I know I will feel better if I commit myself to more.  I just know that I got to get back to the running.  It's so hard to explain to someone who doesn't have that drive in them.  Probably makes me sound a little crazy...

I have it in me...it's still there!  It's just a matter of choice right now.  I'm choosing to do what I can.  It takes a lot of mental stamina to run, to exercise, to lose weight.  I'm okay with the fact that I took a little break from it.  But right now, I'm not okay with it and I'm fighting to make sure I don't lose any more ground.  I'm okay with putting this out there.  If it helps someone to know exactly what goes on in a person's head then so be it. If someone was to jump in my head then they would know that I fight every day to not go back to that weight again.  And when I have a gain like I did last month, it's like I'm fighting the devil. 

I tend to beat myself about things.  It may not make sense to anyone else but it works for me.  It gets me in "that place".  You really wouldn't want to be along on my alone runs 'cause I yell at myself.  And the things I yell at myself...not so nice!  LOL!  It's like having my own drill sergeant along for the run.  Who else is going to kick my ass?  It's better for me to do it 'cause that way I will learn more from it.  I take my own criticism alot easier than from others.  Always have...always will.  I have to experience things for myself to learn from them.  Nobody else can lose your weight, no one else can exercise for you, no one else can "fix" you.

So, I figure the best way for me to learn things is to jump right in and experience them for myself.  Leap if you must...

"All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous, unpremeditated act without benefit of experience.”

~~Henry Miller