Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Self thing you can control!

I'm finding out that self-discovery can be a bit of a bitch.  It feels like a roller coaster that you want to jump off of but you can't 'cause there is only one way out and backwards IS NOT IT (even though it is what you are used to)!  You learn so much about yourself....what makes you tick, what pisses you off, and what you can improve on.

I have said this numerous times before...I am very grateful that I am sane enough to see what I need to fix about myself.  To see one's issues, to admit to your own takes courage!   And while I don't see myself as strong...I really admit and "own" these things!

And as bad as it sounds, I need to stop worrying about other people's issues and just deal with my own.  I am a "fixer" or peacemaker by nature.  I would rather have everyone get along.  I don't like to see grudges being held.  I don't like to see people not admit to their own problems (thinking that they are never at fault).  But as I go through my own self-discovery, I see I have a few grudges (if that is what you call them) that I'm hanging onto!

I need to learn to let go of a bunch of stuff and it by far, has been one of my hardest things EVER that I need to do.  I guess I like to hold onto that shit like luggage!  LOL!  Sometimes, it's the perspective from others or just my own plain "slow in coming to my brain" moments.  I don't know why I do it but I hate it and I just need to learn that I can't control every single little thing that happens to me!

There are those days where my head literally hurts and nights where I can't shut my brain off.  And then there are those days where I am "still" and my head literally breathes a sigh of relief...for a moment!  I want more of those "still" moments.  And I need to realize that that is the only thing that I can control!  I get to choose!  No one chooses but me! The only thing that I can control...

So thankful that I can see this!  Now if I can just make this happen, ahhh....

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Holy Schnikes!  Two posts in one week!  There are so many thoughts that run through my head daily (okay, hourly) and I try to get them out this way.  Writing is therapy for me.  It is where I can say what I want without feeling judged.

I got in 2 runs this week and I think that has a lot to do with me doing a little more thinking.  Running gives me clarity and balance and works that brain of mine for the good.  Sometimes when I run, the thoughts I have might not be all that positive but I have to remember they are my thoughts and as silly as some of them are, they pop in my head.  The main thing is...I have to learn is to filter those thoughts and shove the bad ones out the door...which is hard as hell!

But then there comes a time when some of those thoughts are a bit of an epiphany of sorts.  And that was what happened on my run this morning.  When I started my weight loss journey, I did it in the hopes that as I got my body to look the way I wanted...that it would make me happy.  It seriously brought out thoughts and feelings that I had bottled up for many years.  I was very far off base!

A thing that I am learning on this journey is that money doesn't buy you happiness, people don't give you happiness.  You can feel happy momentarily when you spend that money but then reality sets in and those things that you are struggling with are still there.  Just like with drinking alcohol or getting high...the problems will still be there after you come down from that euphoria.

One thing that I have noticed these past 6 years.. is that every little loss or gain affects me.  It takes over my emotions.  Even if I feel okay with a gain, deep down I let it get to me.  And if I's like I start looking at that number and I feel like it isn't enough.  When in fact, I should be celebrating a loss no matter how little.  And life can be that way too!  I'm very guilty of that!

I'm trying my hardest to bring this invisible bar that I have down to a realistic level.  I want to be content with a loss.  I want to be content with my performance on any job that I do.  I want to look at the bigger picture on things instead of concentrating on the negative.  I have faith in myself that I can do this and I know that I have the determination to make it happen!

And as I ran this morning for the 2nd time in 3 days, I was reminded of my determination and faith.  It was 4 years ago that I ran my first race...a 10 miler!  I can't say that it didn't get to me this morning to not be participating in it but I am far from ready "performance wise" to do it!  I will get there once again!  And if I don't....that will be fine too!  I will look back on this and smile, not frown.

It's all on how you look at things.....:D

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Glass 1/2 empty=a negative me!

Ahhh...there are so many things that I wish that I could change about myself.  I know...a person doesn't need to change who they are.  Maybe what I meant is that I fight like hell to change some stuff and really I don't need to change those things.  I need to change how I view things, think about things, react about things.

I dislike that I look at things "glass 1/2 empty".  I dislike that I look at good things ending too quickly (Christmas, Birthdays, spending time with loved ones and friends).  And one thing that dislike about myself the most is that I beat myself up about every little thing.

There are a lot of people out there that don't know this about me...that I feel unworthy of love, that I look at the negative side when things are going great (that there will be a ball that drops).  I look at things so differently.  Some days I wonder when that all started and I wish that I could go back in time and stop that shit from happening.

So as I go through life now, things like this become a struggle for me.  I don't want that attitude.  I want to be the person who sees that glass 1/2 full!  I really think it's inherited.  My Dad is the same way...Mr. Pessimistic!  I think that adopted this attitude as a protective measure.  I don't like to be disappointed. 

Well, I can see how dumb that really is!  A person can't protect themselves from every little boo-boo.  Life is full of beautiful moments but then life is also full of disappointments.  And if you spend your time thinking about the latter, you will have wasted those beautiful moments that you should be savoring.  Those moments let you know just how "alive" you are!  

And I had one of the sweetest moments happen to me today at the recycling center.  One of the students on my bus this summer, last summer and the summer before that, saw me there.  There is nothing better than hearing "Hi Monica" and getting a hug and seeing a huge smile come from a child with a lot of issues going on.

That child and a few others give me those "smack myself silly" moments.  You know...the ones where you literally feel like someone is showing you just how pitiful your little party that you are trying to have...really is!  That child doesn't see the glass as 1/2 empty or 1/2 full.  That child is just plain happy to have a glass!  LOL!

I swear, I will change this about me.  It isn't a bad thing to want to be better and to grow from certain qualities in yourself that you don't really like.  I think it would be worse to remain in my glass 1/2 empty thinking.  

And the main thing I have to remember is that I have the power to fill that glass and empty that glass!