Sunday, October 23, 2011

Needing a little bit of "Therapeutic" writing...

Realized it had been awhile since I blogged.  Funny how that works!  I'm feeling the need to do some therapeutic writing and I got to looking and seen that it has been almost a month since my last writing.  I am big believer in signs and this one kind of smacked me on the head!  My own "I should've had a V8 moment"!  LMAO!

It's weigh-in week.  I have been having a tough couple of weeks and I just want to get Thursday over with and start fresh!  I know it's going to be bad.  I am not being negative...I'm being REALISTIC!  I have been having a tough time lately.  Well, it is time for Monica to roll up the sleeves and get back to the task at hand!  I haven't been running as far lately and I feel it.  It's truly my sanity saver and I feel it in my head and in my soul.  It "evens" me out and most runners or people who work out know what I mean.

I used to over-react to a lot of things.  Don't know if it's because of all the changes that I have been through that have changed that or getting older.  I still over-think things, I still can be a little neurotic, I still do things without thinking them through (flying by the seat of my pants isn't all that bad -- LOL) but at least, I don't feel like Mommie Dearest or that I am in the Exorcist with my head spinning around! 

Since I started running 2 1/2 years ago, it has helped me tremendously.  I have noticed that this past week.  I have had to change my time of running to later (which I am trying my best to like it but I am such a stickler about it) and also had to "table" it  for a few days cause of training for work.  I have given myself a little break for the moment and have tried not to beat myself about it.  The world won't end and I will be able to get back into the "grind" as soon as I can.  

It is a stress release for me and it's also "Me" time.  I need those moments.  I love the feeling it gives me.  It gives me this feeling of  empowerment, the feeling of accomplishment and the best of all feeling...JOY!  I have been jonesin for a long run lately and I just haven't had the time for it.  I think about it every time I am out there pounding the pavement.  Usually when I do a long run, it's not something I plan on doing.  I just "wing" it.  I listen to my body and my head and my heart...on a good day, they are all on the same page with each other!  LOL!

I'm sure people think I'm obsessed with running!  It really doesn't matter to me what they think but I feel like I have to explain myself and I really shouldn't have to!  It's evident when I get a good run in or even just a "plain jane" run in.  I feel better about things.  I feel like it oozes out my pores and people can see it.  If I am in a funky mood, it's because I didn't get the above mentioned feelings.  It energizes my own little battery charging station.  

I'm hoping that after tomorrow's training for work that I can get back to my running schedule.  It has to happen this week of all weeks.  I will be a "hot mess" other wise.  Weigh-in week is always hard on me mentally and I don't have it in me at the moment so I need this to happen.  I know it sounds like I am hard on myself...I guess I am but I've had to be.  You don't get to where I am right now without a little bit of pushing yourself mentally, emotionally and physically.  It's really something that has become a habit now for me.  

I'm also a big believer in feeling things...experiencing things...dealing with things.  This weight loss journey has showed me that.  I got myself to that point that I needed to deal with the fact that no one made me heavy except for me.  I put the fork, spoon, knife, shovel to my mouth.  There was no gun to my head.  I have had to deal with this, learn from it and I am still learning from it.  It will be a "forever" thing.  I'm dealing with it now  and it hasn't killed me yet...

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Have a little faith, Monica

Funny how my last post was about negativity and getting rid of some of it.  I had the worse weigh-in that I've experienced during this weight loss journey of mine and yet, I lived through it.  Not going to lie, I got heavily teary-eyed but I didn't bawl my head off!  I'm thinking the reason I didn't react to it as bad is 'cause I unloaded here first!  I also am not sure if it's 'cause I am learning to accept it or I'm just starting to get that "peace" about it that I so crave.  I know one thing...I think the changes that I have went through to get to this point in my life are helping with it.  A "healing" of sorts!

I'm still trying to "grow" into this new me.  I like her better!  LOL!  I still have my moments but I seem to handle things a little differently now.  I cry a little more, but that could be "hormonal" or it could just be I'm overwhelmed with all the changes that I've went through.  I've told myself that I needed to be open to whatever I needed to go through to get to where I'm going.  Things that could've been avoided growing up, things that I should've stood my ground on, things that I would've stood up for...the list of woulda, coulda, shoulda's could be a mile long but I'm choosing not to beat myself up about it either.

I think people get to a certain age in their lives that they want to better themselves emotionally, physically, name it.  I wonder why a person can't experience that just a little sooner in their life but I guess with that comes the wisdom and being ready for it.  When you are younger, you just aren't ready for things like that.  I see that right now in young people and how they feel about themselves and how they react and look at things.  I look back to that time in my life and I see they are just acting the same way as I did.  I guess when you are young, you think you are invincible.

I know it seems like I have a lot "deep thoughts" that I put down in this blog.  It's really a good way to get them out of my head!  I tend to be an over-thinker, over-analyzer, neurotic...whatever you want to call it!   I'm thinking for as much unloading I do on here, that I would be at goal weight.  At least 10 lbs. of thoughts get unloaded each time when I write.  Heck, if that was the case, I would be skin and bones right now!  LOL!

Learning to love yourself takes time.  And I have often wondered why it has taken me so long to get to goal and I'm thinking these two things are going hand in hand right now.  I want that goal thing to happen probably more so than most people but I have to get realistic about it too!  I know I will make it happen...I have that much confidence and determination but when?  Who knows?  I wish that I knew but it goes back to the control issue.  I have to step back and let things happen how they are supposed to happen.  Have some faith, Monica!  It's as simple as that!

"Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see."                                                                          ~~William Newton Clark