Tuesday, January 25, 2011

More to the story

Here's more to the story...I felt good immediately after I got off the treadmill.  Sweaty but good!!  LOL!!   I literally felt a rush of confidence come over me.  I know it seems strange to some but I have never had a lot of confidence or self-esteem.  Yes, I am outgoing.  Yes, I could make friends with a doorknob but when it comes down to feeling good about myself...NOT SO MUCH!!  :-(  That went out the window back when I was a kid.  You don't hear/see the words "dog" and not let it affect you just a little.  In my case, it affected me a lot.  To this day, it still does.  It is really sad that kids (boys) have to be so cruel.  I didn't understand why they had to "rate" the girls.  I was a little honored cause one boy said I had a nice personality.  Lay man's terms...DOG!!  LOL!!  I know, I am almost 42 years old and I shouldn't let something a handful of prepubescent boys said decades ago determine my self-worth but it did.

When I started losing the weight people started complimenting me.   And that is something I am not used to hearing.   For the most part, they have been nice compliments.  Others have made me go "hmmm..."  LOL!!  I actually need to "file" those away for a day when I need a huge laugh!!  I am getting better at hearing them.  I would get analytical at first but now I just say "Thank you".  I am very hard on myself for this reason.  I never had anyone from school remotely interested in me growing up.  Never any of the "will you go with me" crap that they did in middle school.  Where the hell was you going to go back then?  Class?  Yep, like I really needed a date for that!!  Ha! Ha!  Really the only time I got any compliments way back then was when we would go see my Great Uncles in the nursing home.  They always said, "your such a nice looking girl."  First off, they were old and second off, they were my uncles.  They were going to be nice to me no matter what.  Made me feel good but also made me feel like I would have to date someone 60 years older than me in order to find someone that would like me and find me attractive!!  Yup, that wasn't going to happen!!  Ha! Ha!

I know it sounds absurd that I would let other people determine my self-worth.  When it comes down to it, it's all about fitting in and not so much about being one of the "pretty girls".  I really didn't fit in.  I didn't like cliques and I still don't.  I guess in my perfect world...every girl would hear how pretty she was and every guy would hear how handsome he was.  People wouldn't call each other names.  Everyone would have a friend.  And no one would feel alone!!  Is that a little too much to ask?  Yup, so not going to happen...LOL!!

Until next time...

Sunday, January 23, 2011

The beginning of the transformation...

Wow...been thinking about doing this for awhile and I finally took the plunge.  Not so sure that I want to jump into this with no life preserver on.  I'm swimming in deep, uncharted waters right now!  I just have needed an outlet for my thoughts for a long time and I'm thinking this might be it!  :-)

Where do I begin?  I guess I will start with the life changing decision that I made back in Feb. 2009.  I'm not so sure I actually "made a decision".  I kinda just went with it.  It was kinda strange how it happened.  For a couple of months before my 40th Birthday, I started to listen to 80's Hair Bands ballads.  They were making me sad for a time that had passed.  I started thinking of when I was younger and thinner.  At that point, I was around 258-260 lbs. and I was not really happy with how "I let myself go."  I seemed like the same fun loving Monica to everyone around me but inside "not so much."  I wanted to go back to those days.  Not really go back to the days but go back to the "feelings" of those days.  I kinda lost "me" like all woman (mothers) do at one point or another in their lives.'

Jump ahead to a doctor's appt.  I think I was just going in for a simple upper respiratory infection.  Okay, I know upper respiratory infections are not simple but you know what I mean.  I wasn't going to the doctor for anything other reason than I was not feeling well.  As usual, they make you jump on the scales.  At that point, I really didn't give a shit what the scales said because it wasn't like I was going to get on them and I was going to be magically thin again.  Heck, I really didn't pay attention when the nurse wrote down the weight on the chart.  I was oblivious to the fact that I was extremely heavy or what they considered "extremely obese".

I sat down and the doc came in.  How you feeling, doing and etc. is what was asked of me.  Then he throws me for a loop.  Hmm...Monica, you have lost 13 lbs. since your last appt.  My last appt. was in July 2007 and here it was late Feb. 2009.  Wow, didn't know I had lost anything.  Remember, I was oblivious to all that.  LOL!  Anyhoo, I was thinking to myself and I might have even said to him that I hadn't been snacking as much at night and I wasn't drinking as much pop.  He told me how good that I was doing but didn't push for me to lose weight.  He just a wonderful doctor with an awesome bedside manner.

I found out I was extremely Vitamin D deficient and so I was prescribed a 50,000 mg a week pill.  Well, either it was my mind playing tricks on me or that Vitamin D pill affected my appetite.  To this day, I think it was just the push that I needed.  I started eating half of what I normally ate.  I didn't finish what was on my plate.  I could've cared less that there was children starving all over the world (something my parents would say to make me feel guilty).  I never understood why I couldn't leave food like other kids my age could do.  I love my parents deeply but I didn't have to eat everything on my plate -- it wouldn't have been the end of the world people!

I was losing weight enough so that people were starting to notice it in my face.  I wanted it to be more noticeable.  Hence, where my beloved treadmill comes into play.  We bought this really nice treadmill and it just sat there.  Maybe walked on it once or twice.  It was just there to look good!  LOL!  It was 3 days before my 40th Birthday and I was still feeling "blue" about being 40 and frumpy.  I wanted to be 40 and fabulous.  Okay, I really actually wanted to be 40 and Hot but at 258 lbs. or so, Hot wasn't happening anytime soon.  :-( 

So, I got up that morning and put some shorts and a t-shirt and some tennis shoes on and started walking on my treadmill.  I think I did 20 minutes to begin with.  All I know, is that for once in my life I felt good about what I was doing and how I was feeling. 

Stay tuned for more....