Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Pre Weigh-in feelings

It's the day before weigh-in and I have no clue how I did this month.  I usually get a feeling ahead of time, almost like a premonition.  It might be that or it might be that I "protect" myself from the disappointment by being pessimistic.  I just know that some months it is worse than others.  I will feel down from a day or two ahead of time to a week ahead of time.  And as I write this, it sounds so stupid of me.  It really does.  I need to stop that shit.  There is so many things that I need to stop doing.  Habits that are not healthy for my mind. I can blame everyone else but when it comes down to it, it's me to blame. I have to love myself and be kind to myself.  And I also need to own up to the fact that I have allowed many people to walk all over me, to tell me what I should feel, and what I should think.

And as strange as it sounds,  my goal is mine.  It's more than a goal to's an accomplishment and I'm trying hard to attain it.  It's been a long 5 years and no one understands what I feel and what I go through month after month.  I'm not trying to get super skinny.  At one point, when I started my weight loss journey, I wanted to look a certain way.  And I was very close to goal but I was obsessed and it wasn't "healthy".  Last month, someone showed me how to look at it differently.  For 3 1/2 years or more, I have kept close to 80 lbs off...maintained...not that I wanted to maintain just quite yet!  LOL!

So, as I sit here trying not to think too much (which is very hard to do for this analytical girl), I need to remember a few simple things.  1. I need to celebrate the fact that I have maintained for this long, that I haven't gained back every single pound that I worked so hard to lose in the first place.  2.  I need to be more gentle with myself, to show myself the compassion that I show others.  3.  To love me, regardless of whether I am a size 2 or size 12.  4.  And probably the most important thing...that I am more than that stupid number! I am me and I am worthy!