Monday, February 5, 2018

Getting to know yourself!

It's funny how soul cleansing a walk or run is. I used to run a shit ton and the balance and clarity that I got from it was beyond therapeutic. The walking that I have been doing since the middle of summer is darn near the same feeling.  I ran alone a lot.  There were times, few and far between, where I would run with a friend or two but it was never that same feeling.  You can't get that feeling when you are too busy yapping your jaw! LOL!  The same thing goes for walking.  But the bad thing about that is that the silence can be deafening.  And you better be good with that!

I find myself doing far more thinking than a normal person might like.  It's like soul searching...getting to know who you who are and what makes you tick.  And it's a big eye opener at times.  For me, I've found out that just like running, the walking is still stoking my determination.  It's still lighting a fire underneath my butt. 

If something is bothering me on any given day then most of the time it gets hashed out during my walks.  This morning I took advantage of the snow day for school and did a 5 1/2+ mile walk.  It was cold as shit out yet, I didn't notice.  I was extremely lucky not to have to see many people so that was a bonus.  I know that sounds bad of me but it's the honest to God truth.  I love that time where I go off the radar/grid.  There is no music playing in my ears.  It's just me and my thoughts and PLENTY of peace and quiet.  I got that balance, the peace, the clarity that not too many people get or let themselves get.

I think many people are so busy with trying to muffle out the world that they aren't really muffling out the world with all the distractions.  Shutting out the world to me is no phone, no music, no one talking to you....just SILENCE!  And in that silence you tend to find out who you really are and what makes you tick.  I have plenty of people who think they know me but I am the only one who knows me truly inside and out.  I show want I want to show but there is so much more than beats the eye with me.

I feel so many things deeper than most people.  I get my feelings hurt at the drop of a hat.  I get tense when people are discussing stuff (or arguing).  I get sad when I think about how fast time is going now as I'm getting older.  There is so many other facets to me that people don't see or they don't know about 'cause I'm very selective now what I choose to share.

I wish more people would get in touch with themselves and not be so scared to actually be alone with their thoughts and feelings.  I used to hate it but those moments when I'm by myself out walking...those moments are priceless to me now!

Monday, July 3, 2017

Thinking a little differently

I really can't stand it when Facebook has that "this day in memory" thing.  It's nice when it's something that you want to look back on and smile but do I really need to be reminded of my weight loss/weight gain/struggle with pictures and postings?  I would say NOT!  It's something that I live with everyday.  But I'm beginning to look at it a little different now.

I saw myself as a bit of a failure with my weight gain after the loss of 106 lbs. I told myself that I wasn't going to go there again.  I probably even told a few people to slap me upside the head if I did.  Well, I didn't have anyone knocking down the door to slap me upside the head.  I guess that is where the first mistake has come in.  What I have learned in all of that I can't expect anyone to do this for me ('cause it would sure be nice if someone could loss weight for me without me doing a damn thing).

The main thing that I have learned is that I'm not a failure and to look at it differently.  I didn't gain back all my weight so that is a good thing.  I didn't lose my drive and determination....they were just taking a nice little break.  I should be praising myself instead of beating myself down.  But I guess until you have lived with my struggle then you really don't know. Failure is not getting back up again.  Failure is not trying.  Failure is not learning something from it.

I know when I was in the "thick" of things with my weight loss, that I was not healthy in my mind & also body.  Nobody...except now...knows that I was a little obsessed (okay, to some that would be a lot).  Is it healthy for your body and mind to run a shit ton of miles, bicycle after that, lift some weights, and then go for either a walk that night or possibly another run?  Is it healthy to put something in your mouth so you can "taste" it and then spit it out so you don't gain from it?  Was it healthy of me to put an expectation bar up so high that I wasn't able to reach it?  Oh, I could go on for days....

I just started back up again to exercising.  Not to any extremes.  I'm walking right now.  I'm doing what my body is letting me do.  I do give myself goals as to distance but they are within reach and if I don't do it that's not the end of the world.  I would like to run again...someday...but I'm rather content right now to do my little speed walking.

I'm doing my own thing (without anything else) just like I did when I started the journey back in 2009.  It's what I do and I don't want anyone to tell me what I should or shouldn't do.  At the end of the day, if I'm happy with me and my effort then that's what matters!  It isn't anyone else's lesson or lifestyle or journey but my own! 

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Pride and Doubt

I haven't wrote in awhile and every time I think about doing it then something comes up and takes my inspiration to do it and shoves it right out of my mind.  Grief does a lot to people and this time experiencing it has hit me harder.  Some days, it just feels like a struggle to get through the day with my sanity intact.  I've experienced grief before.  I've lost a friend, classmates, grandparents, and my baby that I miscarried to name just a few.  My heart first got a crack in it when I lost a friend of mine 31 years ago.  I thought that was the worst thing I could go through.  I was a teenager and I really didn't know what losing someone was like.  The years have passed....that sorrow eased.  And then came my miscarriage and that rocked me to my core.  The years have passed and that sorrow eased.  And then came the loss of my Dad and that showed me that your heart can be broken to the point of feeling like you can't breath, to the point of feeling like you have lost your mind, to the point that you wonder if anything will ever feel the same to you

My Dad was probably the best teacher in the world.  He was a cutter and tool grinder by trade so he literally wasn't a teacher but in my world, he was.  He taught my Mom and my siblings and I so much about life.  He showed us what it was like to carry so many "crosses" or burdens.  He had to grow up rather quickly as a young teenager when his Dad had a heart attack at the age of 42.  My Dad was 15 and they had a farm and he had to take a lot of the burden on of being "the man of the house" while my Grandpa recovered.  He had help from his brothers and sister but a lot of the responsibility laid on his shoulders.  He fought an addiction to alcohol for 35 years.  I still don't really know the reasons why he drank.  He used to say that he would drink whether he was happy or sad, mad or glad, alone or with people but me being the analytical person that I am likes to know reasons.  It's my own burden to deal with (being analytical) and wanting to know more in this world than I need to! 

I don't think he ever stopped "teaching" me.  He showed all of us what it was like to have health problems (more than one) and have to live daily with pain.  He didn't know from day to day what would start hurting him next or what side effects he was going to have from all the meds (heart and rheumatoid arthritis) that he had to be on to live a somewhat normal life.  

When he gave up the drinking, I'm sure that he had a lot of self analyzing to deal with.  He had to deal with the guilt of the drinking and to put it behind him and he did.  He started living in the "now" but also had the future on his mind cause he didn't know how much of a future he would have and that he wanted to be "prepared" for his final days.  He got his house in order, so to speak.  And that is where he taught us all about faith.  The faith of not knowing but believing!

He knew what it was like for me to deal with my weight cause he had issues with his own weight.  His health and his meds took a lot of his weight away but at the cost of being sick and not having a lot of strength (muscle wise).  But he had strength of the mind.  He was such a big support of when I started my weight loss journey.  He was so proud of me that he would tell strangers about it.  When I went through my divorce and couldn't devote a lot time for myself to workout (cause I had to go to work) and gained some of the weight back, I just wonder what really went through his mind.  He felt such pride in what I had done with my weight.  I would like to think that he was still proud of me for what I accomplished.

I don't know about anyone else but as a child, I have always and even to this day, striven to make my parents proud of me.  My Dad forgave himself for the alcohol addiction so why can't I learn to forgive "me" for thinking my crazy thoughts of him not being proud of me.  For a multitude of reasons, mainly my struggle with my weight or for the fact that I didn't always live up to whatever standards I thought he had for any of us kids or for things in his own life.  I know that he didn't have a stupid expectation bar like I have in my own life.  I know that he loved me regardless of my flaws.  He had unconditional love for me and that is probably the best gift he EVER gave to me and it's also by far the best lesson in life that I was taught by him.

 I will strive to attain that unconditional love for my loved ones and mainly for myself.  I know that my Dad wouldn't want me to be thinking that way.  I know as a parent myself, just how proud I am of my kids so for me to think that my Dad or Mom stopped being proud of me when I gained some back some of my weight is silly!  I should never doubt just how much pride and love a parent can have for a child...especially if that child is me!

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Coming to realize.....

The alarm went off this morning and all I could think of is, "hit the snooze and go back to sleep".  Before I went to bed last night, I told myself that I was going to get up early and go for a walk.  It's funny how my inner self starts back into the same talk that it would do when I started running 7 years ago.  There would be a inner battle with me where I would make myself feel guilty if I didn't run.  Well, I found myself doing that same battle with my head this morning.  And all I can think of is, "yes, there is still that fire in there"! 

I know that life happened to me and I wish that I could give myself umpteen hours in the day to workout the amount that I did back when I started my weight loss journey.  That is not possible now.  I have more than one job, I have responsibilities like rent and etc. to take care of.  I'm sure these all sound like excuses but it's my reality now.  It was nothing for me to go for a very early morning run, lift weights, take the kids to school, come home and either walk 4 miles or take a nice long bike ride (more than 10 miles).

As I look back on that now....that wasn't healthy.  I'm not saying that I'm overly healthy now 'cause I'm not.  I have around 50 extra lbs on my 5'4 1/2" frame.  I had to laugh as I looked at my "on this day" thingy on face book this morning and 4 years ago I had posted that I ran to town and back 'cause I wanted to see if I could do it....12.6 miles!  Now 4 years later and I'm just excited that I woke up today with a spark of determination.  LOL! 

It was breathtakingly beautiful out this morning and I needed this "time out" in my life.  It's been a difficult 6 months dealing with the ups and downs of my Dad's health and his recent passing.  I was able to shut out noise of the outside world this morning for those 45 minutes.  I talked to my Dad, I did a lot of thinking and I was able to see the sun come up!  That right there is just a gift in itself!

By the end of my walk, I was coming back to reality.  I felt that "ping" of sadness that comes when you are in the midst of grief.  I somehow let that "noise" creep back in again.  But I also felt energized and I felt hopeful.

I started walking 7 years ago when I knew I needed to do something about my weight.  I got bored quickly with that and started running.  As I looked at my "now", I find that it's a little different this time 'cause I have sciatic nerve issues to deal with that haven't went away and also the big thing...I'm 7 years older now.  It's a good day if I wake up without something hurting!  LOL!

But the funny thing is....I felt pain when I first started walking and then running 7 years ago.  I pushed through knee pain, I pushed through back pain and I even pushed through sciatic nerve pain even back then.  I guess you could say that I was lucky this morning cause I immediately started out with shin pain and my thighs were burning.  I didn't feel I was walking that fast but I guess I was.  I kept telling myself that I'll just go to the corner and turn around.  Well, I got to the corner and figured I would just tell that little voice in my head to "shut the hell up and keep walking"!  I'm not a pansy ass by any means and anyone who knows me can attest for my bullheadedness!

I pushed through the pain just like I did 7 years ago.  I had knee pain, foot pain and sciatic nerve pain back then.  I was glad that I was bullheaded this morning.  And I was even more glad that I took the time out to "recharge" me.  I'm hoping that eventually I can build up from walking to a slow run.  It's just a small goal and it won't be the same as last time.  I don't have a magic number in my head that I want to get down to.  If I don't lose those extra 50 lbs on my ass right now (okay, maybe they are in other places too), it won't be the end of the world.  And I would be happy just to be able to squeeze in a little more "recharge" time.  If only there was 36 hrs in a! Kidding aside, I will just have to allot some time for this. 

I just want to be around for the ones I love and I think the journey that I have been on for so damn long has finally taught me a thing or two. 

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Learning to take time for myself!

I'm sure that I have posted this quote before but it continually jumps out at me and pushes me to write about my feelings.  And as I signed into my account and saw the last time I blogged, it occurred to me to get my big old butt back to writing.  Writing is very therapeutic for me 'cause I get the shit out of my head.  It gives me back my clarity.

There is this little inner fight with myself where I feel bad if I don't help people but when I feel overwhelmed like this and have a small little meltdown then I feel and look like the character in The Exorcist...minus the puke and head spinning around.  LOL!  I don't know if it's my upbringing or what but I hate it, truly hate it!

Why can't I say no to people when I don't have the energy and or the time?  I need to practice this and live it out.  The world won't end if Monica can't do it or Monica is in dire need of an adult time out!  LOL!  When you are a giver like me, you forget yourself.  You forget that you need to be able to be okay with your "No's and your Yes's!

I kind of had an epiphany of sorts in the grocery store the other day.  I'm surprised that I didn't leave in a puddle of tears 'cause my day was seriously heading in that direction.  Is it pathetic of me to almost lose it over the can return's printer having an issue?  All I could think about is how dare it have issues.  I am busy enough and I didn't have all night to stand there waiting for a machine to put the cans in and have it end up having a printer error and not spit out the receipt.

I didn't have to take all those cans back right at that minute.  Why put the pressure on myself to try to do everything all in one day.  I should know my limits and boundaries on so many things at my age.  It goes back to that invisible bar that I set for myself, for my work and for others in my life.

I used to hate having any alone time for myself.  I know...many people crave it and/or need it just to recharge.  I find myself now enjoying the moments where I can literally let it all out.  Be it tears or be it anger or be it just me not having to worry if I'm not doing something for someone else.

I thought my weight loss/gain journey was pretty much about food and exercise and outward appearance.  I never would have imagined me being on this journey to better myself inside.... to address some good things about me and to admit to some of my flaws.

I'm finding out that the world will still go on even if Miss Monica says No!  I'm finding out that no one will get so pissed off at me if I say that I don't have the time.  I have to do this for me 'cause if I don't then I give it all and leave nothing for me.

It's not selfish to look out for yourself and your needs.  I'm learning to shut out the world and just sit and be still! 

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Seeing through other people's eyes and hearts!

I had an in-service at work on Monday and they showed us this video that was very moving.  I immediately wrote down the quote that was at the beginning 'cause I knew I wanted to write about it.  It hit close to home with me!  The one thing that I like about these in-services is that they include an exercise or a lesson for each of us to take home and try to use in our lives.  They make you think and it is always something good that we can apply to ourselves and on our job.

And what hit home to me is that I need to be more empathetic to other people's issues going on.  I need to take a step back more often and realize that my issues are small compared to other people's problems/issues.  And sometimes you don't always know or can see what is going on with other people.  Some people are very private and no one knows what they think or feel.  They hide all that inside for a lot of reasons.

There are times, more than I like to admit, that I'm guilty of not doing this.  I'm in my own little world and can't see past whatever is going on outside of my mind.  This is something that I think a lot of people are guilty of...not being empathetic enough.  I believe that we, as a society, need to practice more compassion/empathy for others.

You don't realize that sometimes that person you see on the street who looks like they have their shit together really doesn't.  There are a lot of people that are really good at hiding behind a smile or that laugh that you hear.  They have so much more going on and you don't realize it!  And I hope
to learn from this, try to be a little more empathetic and a lot less self-centered!

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Self thing you can control!

I'm finding out that self-discovery can be a bit of a bitch.  It feels like a roller coaster that you want to jump off of but you can't 'cause there is only one way out and backwards IS NOT IT (even though it is what you are used to)!  You learn so much about yourself....what makes you tick, what pisses you off, and what you can improve on.

I have said this numerous times before...I am very grateful that I am sane enough to see what I need to fix about myself.  To see one's issues, to admit to your own takes courage!   And while I don't see myself as strong...I really admit and "own" these things!

And as bad as it sounds, I need to stop worrying about other people's issues and just deal with my own.  I am a "fixer" or peacemaker by nature.  I would rather have everyone get along.  I don't like to see grudges being held.  I don't like to see people not admit to their own problems (thinking that they are never at fault).  But as I go through my own self-discovery, I see I have a few grudges (if that is what you call them) that I'm hanging onto!

I need to learn to let go of a bunch of stuff and it by far, has been one of my hardest things EVER that I need to do.  I guess I like to hold onto that shit like luggage!  LOL!  Sometimes, it's the perspective from others or just my own plain "slow in coming to my brain" moments.  I don't know why I do it but I hate it and I just need to learn that I can't control every single little thing that happens to me!

There are those days where my head literally hurts and nights where I can't shut my brain off.  And then there are those days where I am "still" and my head literally breathes a sigh of relief...for a moment!  I want more of those "still" moments.  And I need to realize that that is the only thing that I can control!  I get to choose!  No one chooses but me! The only thing that I can control...

So thankful that I can see this!  Now if I can just make this happen, ahhh....