Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Inner Peace

Inner Peace...what a funny thing!  I know most people don't think of it as funny.  I mean funny, as in the sense of a person trying as they might to attain it.  The more you wish for it, the more unattainable it is.  I had just about given up.  I would pray for it, read things about it, you name it.  Couldn't understand why I felt off!  I felt like I was losing it, mentally.

I know that I have finally accepted a lot of things in my life.  I have accepted that I can't make people like me.  I have accepted that I can't control other people.  I have accepted that no matter how much I run or how good I do eating wise, that sometimes, even my best is not enough. I have accepted that I am me, that I have a lot to offer and if people aren't accepting of me then that is their problem and that I'm doing my best and that is their loss.

I have a weigh-in this Thursday morning and for once, I'm not obsessed about it.  I'm not over-thinking it.  I am at peace about it.  There has been so much I have learned over these 3+ years that I have been "at" this.  I call it a journey and that is what it is.  It's more than looking good.  It's about feeling good outside but even more...feeling good inside.  To feel better about myself.  To not put myself down.  Life is hard enough that I don't have to add to it.

I have been through so many changes.  My outlook on life has changed.  Friends have changed.  I know some people have felt that I have changed.  I have but I'm still Monica and I have feelings too.  It has been one of the hardest things that I have had to deal with and accept.  You have to change in order to "grow".  If you don't grow then you aren't really living.

So, this inner peace thing has been such a blessing to me.  I feel better than I have for a long time.  Even if I have a gain this coming Thursday morning, I will be okay...truly okay!  I will just continue trudging on in this journey of mine.  I've finally accepted that I'm human, that I have moments where I don't feel like running or that I want to snack. I'm not perfect and I'm not striving for perfection.  I have finally accepted that I'm worth so much more.

"Peace is to be found only within, and unless one finds it there he will never find it at all. Peace lies not in the external world. It lies within one's own soul." ~~Ralph Waldo Trine

Monday, October 15, 2012

Feeling better about yourself...a slow process!

Life is a funny thing!  I have often wondered why things happen the way they do.  I think I have it all figured out and then bamn, something changes my thinking drastically.  I'm trying to do less worrying.  I'm the biggest over-thinker I know.  I like to analyze everything.  I don't know why I have did that for most of my life.  Was I born that way?  I don't think so.  I think you learn bad habits and then it seems like it takes a lifetime to rid yourself of those bad habits.  And God knows, I'm trying to rid myself of a few doozies!  LOL!

I have wrote about this before and thought I had it conquered but it kind of creeped itself back into my life. Just some things in life that kind of "knocked" me down. A person has the control over how they feel but sometimes, I think there is just some things that take a little longer to get out of your head.  I've accepted that I have issues with myself, with my self esteem, my self confidence, you name it.  I'm choosing to deal with them head on and rid myself of them permanently.  I don't want anyone to think my weight loss is me not accepting myself.  I want to be healthier and me getting to goal once and for all is just that...a goal! 

I know that there is other people out there that think that they aren't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, you name it. It's a sad shame that a person feels that way. I seriously could kick my own ass for even letting myself think negative about myself for as long as I have.  Decades...that is just plain stupid!  I'm a much happier person when I'm not over-thinking.  I can literally feel myself smiling from the inside out when I'm at peace. 

And it's so hard to explain to someone but that is one of the reasons I love to run.  The peace I feel when I run... it is priceless.  I see the beauty in nature and hear the outside noises but can "hear" the inside noises, if that makes any sense?  I get insight, clarity, balance, a peace about me during my runs.  I used to think it was the endorphins but it really isn't.  I just wish I could bottle up those feelings to last me throughout the day.  I'm learning though, that I can make them last by choosing to ignore the "demons" that try to get to me.  As time passes, those demons are slowly going away.  Because I'm choosing to not live that way.

And me losing the weight has helped with that.  I feel better about myself than I did before but I'm still a work in progress.  I want my insides to match my outside. I want to be the best Monica that I can be.  A person should want that for themselves.  Why would you want to be a half-assed version of yourself?  Not me! I'm not a half-assed person but I've been living life like that for how long?  I am good enough, I am smart enough, I am pretty enough and I will continue to tell myself that till it gets through this thick skull of mine!  

I have given control of how I think/feel to others for a long time.  I am my own person and I can't blame anyone else for me thinking/feeling the way that I do.  Just like my weight loss journey, it's a forever thing...a lifestyle change.  In order to feel better about yourself then you need to make changes and keep those feelings in check or better yet, rid yourself of the negative feelings.  And no one else can do that for you!  You and only you, can heal yourself!  

It's a slow process but it's still progress: