Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Trying to get rid of a little bit of negativity...

I wish I could put down the right words how I feel every month before weigh-in (a couple days before).  It's hard to describe the emotions I feel.  I try my hardest to not let it consume me, I try my hardest to not beat myself up, I try my hardest to not even think about it...but it's still there...eating away at me...no pun intended.  I would love to know if anyone, who has lost weight and had it take as long as it has with me, has felt this way.

I am sitting here 2 days before weigh-in feeling rather negative.  I try to be as positive as possible but I do have my down days and this blog is an outlet for me to get that out of my system.  I had such an awesome loss at the beginning of the month and I have weigh-in already happening again this Thursday morning.  I've already mentally told myself that I will not reach goal and if I did, I would be a monkey's uncle.  On my run this morning, when I do my best thinking, all I could think about is that I hope I stay the same or at least lose just a little...no gain!  It's such a roller coaster ride...the up and down gain, loss, gain pattern.  I have tweaked it, changed it up, ate less, ate more...did everything that everyone has said.  But what happens is already predetermined.

Please don't get me wrong...I am extremely proud of what I have done.  I don't want anyone to think I am being ungrateful.  It's just so hard on me!  And most people would say you should just be done, that it is just a number and who defines what is a normal number.  I feel it when my shirts are tight or my jeans feel snug.  I know when I am retaining fluid.  I am getting good at listening to my body.  I just wish that I didn't sound like one big mental case to some people.  Not that I care but it helps me to talk it over, to vent about it, to put it out there.

I feel alone in this journey and that is something hard to explain to people especially since I do have a lot of support behind me.  It's just that nobody is there the morning I go into the Doctor's office.  Nobody is stepping on that scale for me and nobody knows how good I feel or how bad I feel when the number comes up.  I walk in there alone and I walk out alone.  But that was my choice.  I didn't want to be involved in any sort of a "group".  I needed to do this myself.  I got myself into this weight predicament and I had to get myself out of it!

I have to come to peace about it and that is really hard for a person like me.  I over think, I question every thing, I beat it half to death before I "give up" and then I really don't give up.  Make sense?  Probably not to some!  I want to relax about it but in my head, if I relax, then pretty soon 5 more lbs. gets put on and then another 5 and then I've worked my tail off just to have to work even harder at it again to get it off!  I am enjoying myself a little more than I was at the beginning of this journey.  I have given myself a little room to have fun but I also haven't took my eyes of that prize.  It gets close enough to see and then something comes up, like a smack on the forehead, that lets me know it isn't time yet for me to be at goal!  I have to remember that...that I can control only so much!

The closest to being in control we will ever be is in that moment that we realize we're not.
~~Brian Kessler

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Clarity, Balance and Boobs...OH MY!! LOL!!

I was inspired to write Sunday but I had so many thoughts running through my head that it wouldn't have did me any good to write at that moment.  I have had the chance to process everything and so I thought it was best to get writing while I still had it in my head.

My running is really changed things.  At first, it was to "help" myself  lose weight.  The running now is more of a therapeutic thing.  I do so much thinking when I am outside running.  It gives me clarity and it gives me balance and it helps calm me down.  I love the feeling of the breeze blowing through my hair and I love hearing the sounds of nature.  Those are things that I would be missing if I was still using the treadmill.  I started out running on the treadmill for a couple different reasons.  The main being that I was not comfortable with having anyone see me exercise.  That is what kept me from running outside for the longest time.

It goes back to when I was in Cross Country in High School.  I've always had bigger boobs even back then.  I found out that some of the boys were making fun of me.  I would just take it 'cause I was young and I was trying to fit in.  One of the guys I would run with would sing the "jello song" to me.  That was okay with me 'cause he wasn't sneaky about it .  I was aware of it and he wasn't meaning it in a bad way.  That was why I was just so afraid to run outside for fear people would look at me.  And even more so back then when I was heavier and started out running.  So, I stayed inside and I ran early in the morning before anyone was awake so that way I wouldn't even be seen in my own home.  I know, it's sad that I felt that way but when you go through something like that...it is forever etched on your soul.

I'm so happy that I got passed that.  Now, I just go out there and run.  I don't care what I look like.  No makeup on, who cares?  Just got out of bed hair...who cares?  Boobs too big for being a runner...who cares?  Excess skin on my thighs jiggling...who cares?  I run out there proud.  Proud that I can run, proud that I have the stamina to run long distances, proud that I have lost a ton of weight, basically proud of who I am now!

So much so, that I decided to do another race and not just any other race but a 1/2 marathon.  It was Sunday morning and I hadn't really planned on doing it.  I signed up for it on last Monday.  I'm thinking that was a good thing cause I didn't have a lot of time to stress about it.  It's amazing how "peaceful" I felt about it or so I thought!  As I drove there, I put in 3 different discs to listen to, to get me fired up and in the right frame of mind.  I walked into the Lansing Center and immediately looked for the Women's bathroom.   I needed to make sure to get that out of the way in case, there was a long wait.

As I was walking throughout the place, killing time, things started getting to me.  As much as I am proud of what I have done, I still have to deal with my own body image that I have in my head.  I was seeing a lot of women with perfect runner's bodies.  I was thinking to myself, "Who do I think I am out there running with my not so perfect body?"  I was having a hard time fighting back the tears.  I just let them flow! I knew it was going to be emotional for me being that this was my first 1/2 marathon but I thought that I would be experiencing the tears at the end of the race.  I guess I was a little backwards this time!  LOL!  I don't think my body image in my head was the reason I was brought to tears but it did have a little bit to do with it.  I think the reason I was brought to tears is that I was truly scared, once again, that I couldn't do it.

It got to be about time to line up for the start of the race.  I went out there and picked the 11:00 minute pace people to be near.  Nowheres near the pace I normally run, but I needed to be further back this time.  The congestion at the beginning of a race is one of things that I was never forewarned about.  It can be very overwhelming, to say the least.  We started out and I progressively moved forward.  I got up to the pace that I was shooting for.  I was comfortable and that was the main thing.  I wasn't setting out to win the race.  I wasn't setting out to beat my pace time from when I ran the 10 miler.  I had two goals in mind.  To run the entire time and to finish the race.

Every mile mark that I would pass, I would acknowledge it with my "yeah baby" move.  I wanted to enjoy this race even more than the 10 mile race.  I wanted it to be special and feel special and it was.  I was having the time of my life.  It's an awesome experience to be surrounded by people who share a common bond with you.  And yet, everyone's story is different as to why they were there.

I was much more comfortable with this race...with my thoughts, with myself and with how I felt.  I felt love and support all the way through the 13.1 miles.  It amazing how different a person can feel 6 weeks later.  I firmly believe that in that short amount of time that I grew even stronger as a person, if that is even possible.

I crossed the finish line and heard my name announced and thought to myself..."Holy Shit, you did it Monica!"  And all I could think about at that moment was "When can I do this again?"  Yup, I'm hooked...

Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment.”~~

Friday, September 2, 2011

Fear and Faith

I felt the need to write today so here goes and I will apologize in advance for it 'cause it might get a little emotional.  Today was my weigh-in day.  I started out the day as usual with me rising at 6:00 and getting dressed and doing my stretches.  It was a shorter run today so I was looking forward to that.  I like the long distance runs but it is a nice balance to have 2 days a week where I don't have to push myself mentally.  I have to have the right mindset on the days where I go longer.  Anyhow, I knew I had to weigh-in this morning so I wanted to git r done, so to speak!

I spent the better half of the run just thinking and hoping that I was going to be able to handle whatever that scale said.  Things have been fitting a little looser but I was not going to get my hopes up.  I know how that works...I get my hopes up and then I fall hard.  So, I just ran this morning and told myself that I had to have the attitude that I would go in there, get weighed and continue to trudge on...no matter what the scales said.  I tend to do my best thinking when I am out there every morning.  Somedays, I am so into the "zone" that it is almost scary.  Other days, it's like I have ADD and can't seem to get it together.  I prefer the "zone" feeling.  That is the feeling that helps me mentally!

I finished up with my weight bench workout after I got home from the run.  I hit the shower and then got myself looking all pretty for my visit to the doc's office.  I got there and didn't even have to sit and wait.  Sometimes I have to wait till someone can do the scales for me if they are dealing with patients.  And that makes me even more nervous when that happens!  LOL!  I just show up once a month, no appt. and have the nurse or another employee get it ready and then I hop on it and that's it.  No doctor to see and it's just me keeping track of it.  They have been wonderful at letting me do this for 2 and 1/2 years now.  So, I just sit there and be patient with them 'cause they really are doing me a favor!

I told her the amount that it was last month and then I looked at the scales and then proceeded to tell the scales to "be nice to me."  LOL!  Got on there and couldn't believe my eyes.  I jumped off and then I jumped up and down and then swore and then got back on the scales again just to make sure!  How in the world had I lost 7.6 lbs?  I hadn't had a good loss like that in a long time.  I was moved to the point I had to choke back the tears.  I got just a little teary-eyed.  Walked out of the building and I was like Holy Shit (pardon my language)!

I came home and posted a pic and the amount lost on facebook like I do every month.  Immediately, my friends were liking my pic and my status and commenting too!  It's amazing the support that I get from my friends on there.  Amazing but also overwhelming, to say the least!  Some days, I feel like I just threw it at everyone to be my own little support group, without asking if anyone wanted to do that.  But they have never failed me!  I post the ups and downs of it all and I post to this blog how I feel and people accept it.  I'm sure not everyone reads my status updates or this blog but that is okay too!

The only bad thing is with a loss like this...is that I am literally on a "high" all day and then it comes down.  And it comes down hard.  I start thinking to myself what did I do to get that amount of loss this time.  What haven't I been doing?  Then I start thinking of how close goal is again and how I bad that I want to be there.  I can see it, taste it and almost touch it.  But the realistic part of me knows that it's best for Monica to keep her wits about her right now!

I sat down in my chair tonight after supper and just literally stared at a side by side picture that my friend posted on my wall on facebook.  She has did this for me before and I appreciate it more than she knows.  But it hits me every time.  I see what no one else sees and I feel what no one else feels and I just wanted to bawl my head off and I still do!  If I could put it into words, the first word that comes to mind is "stranger."  It probably seems crazy to some people but that is how I feel.  I want that feeling to go away.  I want to be at peace with seeing pics of myself bigger.  It was me!  I have to let myself be at peace with it but I think deep down I am not letting myself go there 'cause I figure if I accept it then I will go back to it!  And that fear is something that eats at me and I have to get control of it so it doesn't control me!

I am learning so much about myself during this journey.  I wonder if the changes that I have experienced are supposed to be happening.  Like a part of a bigger picture that I have yet to see?  It's all about faith and I just need to grasp that!

"Fear ends where faith begins."~~Author unknown