Trying to get rid of a little bit of negativity...

I wish I could put down the right words how I feel every month before weigh-in (a couple days before).  It's hard to describe the emotions I feel.  I try my hardest to not let it consume me, I try my hardest to not beat myself up, I try my hardest to not even think about it...but it's still there...eating away at me...no pun intended.  I would love to know if anyone, who has lost weight and had it take as long as it has with me, has felt this way.

I am sitting here 2 days before weigh-in feeling rather negative.  I try to be as positive as possible but I do have my down days and this blog is an outlet for me to get that out of my system.  I had such an awesome loss at the beginning of the month and I have weigh-in already happening again this Thursday morning.  I've already mentally told myself that I will not reach goal and if I did, I would be a monkey's uncle.  On my run this morning, when I do my best thinking, all I could think about is that I hope I stay the same or at least lose just a little...no gain!  It's such a roller coaster ride...the up and down gain, loss, gain pattern.  I have tweaked it, changed it up, ate less, ate more...did everything that everyone has said.  But what happens is already predetermined.

Please don't get me wrong...I am extremely proud of what I have done.  I don't want anyone to think I am being ungrateful.  It's just so hard on me!  And most people would say you should just be done, that it is just a number and who defines what is a normal number.  I feel it when my shirts are tight or my jeans feel snug.  I know when I am retaining fluid.  I am getting good at listening to my body.  I just wish that I didn't sound like one big mental case to some people.  Not that I care but it helps me to talk it over, to vent about it, to put it out there.

I feel alone in this journey and that is something hard to explain to people especially since I do have a lot of support behind me.  It's just that nobody is there the morning I go into the Doctor's office.  Nobody is stepping on that scale for me and nobody knows how good I feel or how bad I feel when the number comes up.  I walk in there alone and I walk out alone.  But that was my choice.  I didn't want to be involved in any sort of a "group".  I needed to do this myself.  I got myself into this weight predicament and I had to get myself out of it!

I have to come to peace about it and that is really hard for a person like me.  I over think, I question every thing, I beat it half to death before I "give up" and then I really don't give up.  Make sense?  Probably not to some!  I want to relax about it but in my head, if I relax, then pretty soon 5 more lbs. gets put on and then another 5 and then I've worked my tail off just to have to work even harder at it again to get it off!  I am enjoying myself a little more than I was at the beginning of this journey.  I have given myself a little room to have fun but I also haven't took my eyes of that prize.  It gets close enough to see and then something comes up, like a smack on the forehead, that lets me know it isn't time yet for me to be at goal!  I have to remember that...that I can control only so much!

“The closest to being in control we will ever be is in that moment that we realize we're not.”

~~Brian Kessler