My running is really changed things. At first, it was to "help" myself lose weight. The running now is more of a therapeutic thing. I do so much thinking when I am outside running. It gives me clarity and it gives me balance and it helps calm me down. I love the feeling of the breeze blowing through my hair and I love hearing the sounds of nature. Those are things that I would be missing if I was still using the treadmill. I started out running on the treadmill for a couple different reasons. The main being that I was not comfortable with having anyone see me exercise. That is what kept me from running outside for the longest time.
It goes back to when I was in Cross Country in High School. I've always had bigger boobs even back then. I found out that some of the boys were making fun of me. I would just take it 'cause I was young and I was trying to fit in. One of the guys I would run with would sing the "jello song" to me. That was okay with me 'cause he wasn't sneaky about it . I was aware of it and he wasn't meaning it in a bad way. That was why I was just so afraid to run outside for fear people would look at me. And even more so back then when I was heavier and started out running. So, I stayed inside and I ran early in the morning before anyone was awake so that way I wouldn't even be seen in my own home. I know, it's sad that I felt that way but when you go through something like that...it is forever etched on your soul.
I'm so happy that I got passed that. Now, I just go out there and run. I don't care what I look like. No makeup on, who cares? Just got out of bed hair...who cares? Boobs too big for being a runner...who cares? Excess skin on my thighs jiggling...who cares? I run out there proud. Proud that I can run, proud that I have the stamina to run long distances, proud that I have lost a ton of weight, basically proud of who I am now!
So much so, that I decided to do another race and not just any other race but a 1/2 marathon. It was Sunday morning and I hadn't really planned on doing it. I signed up for it on last Monday. I'm thinking that was a good thing cause I didn't have a lot of time to stress about it. It's amazing how "peaceful" I felt about it or so I thought! As I drove there, I put in 3 different discs to listen to, to get me fired up and in the right frame of mind. I walked into the Lansing Center and immediately looked for the Women's bathroom. I needed to make sure to get that out of the way in case, there was a long wait.
As I was walking throughout the place, killing time, things started getting to me. As much as I am proud of what I have done, I still have to deal with my own body image that I have in my head. I was seeing a lot of women with perfect runner's bodies. I was thinking to myself, "Who do I think I am out there running with my not so perfect body?" I was having a hard time fighting back the tears. I just let them flow! I knew it was going to be emotional for me being that this was my first 1/2 marathon but I thought that I would be experiencing the tears at the end of the race. I guess I was a little backwards this time! LOL! I don't think my body image in my head was the reason I was brought to tears but it did have a little bit to do with it. I think the reason I was brought to tears is that I was truly scared, once again, that I couldn't do it.
It got to be about time to line up for the start of the race. I went out there and picked the 11:00 minute pace people to be near. Nowheres near the pace I normally run, but I needed to be further back this time. The congestion at the beginning of a race is one of things that I was never forewarned about. It can be very overwhelming, to say the least. We started out and I progressively moved forward. I got up to the pace that I was shooting for. I was comfortable and that was the main thing. I wasn't setting out to win the race. I wasn't setting out to beat my pace time from when I ran the 10 miler. I had two goals in mind. To run the entire time and to finish the race.
Every mile mark that I would pass, I would acknowledge it with my "yeah baby" move. I wanted to enjoy this race even more than the 10 mile race. I wanted it to be special and feel special and it was. I was having the time of my life. It's an awesome experience to be surrounded by people who share a common bond with you. And yet, everyone's story is different as to why they were there.
I was much more comfortable with this race...with my thoughts, with myself and with how I felt. I felt love and support all the way through the 13.1 miles. It amazing how different a person can feel 6 weeks later. I firmly believe that in that short amount of time that I grew even stronger as a person, if that is even possible.
I crossed the finish line and heard my name announced and thought to myself..."Holy Shit, you did it Monica!" And all I could think about at that moment was "When can I do this again?" Yup, I'm hooked...
It goes back to when I was in Cross Country in High School. I've always had bigger boobs even back then. I found out that some of the boys were making fun of me. I would just take it 'cause I was young and I was trying to fit in. One of the guys I would run with would sing the "jello song" to me. That was okay with me 'cause he wasn't sneaky about it . I was aware of it and he wasn't meaning it in a bad way. That was why I was just so afraid to run outside for fear people would look at me. And even more so back then when I was heavier and started out running. So, I stayed inside and I ran early in the morning before anyone was awake so that way I wouldn't even be seen in my own home. I know, it's sad that I felt that way but when you go through something like that...it is forever etched on your soul.
I'm so happy that I got passed that. Now, I just go out there and run. I don't care what I look like. No makeup on, who cares? Just got out of bed hair...who cares? Boobs too big for being a runner...who cares? Excess skin on my thighs jiggling...who cares? I run out there proud. Proud that I can run, proud that I have the stamina to run long distances, proud that I have lost a ton of weight, basically proud of who I am now!
So much so, that I decided to do another race and not just any other race but a 1/2 marathon. It was Sunday morning and I hadn't really planned on doing it. I signed up for it on last Monday. I'm thinking that was a good thing cause I didn't have a lot of time to stress about it. It's amazing how "peaceful" I felt about it or so I thought! As I drove there, I put in 3 different discs to listen to, to get me fired up and in the right frame of mind. I walked into the Lansing Center and immediately looked for the Women's bathroom. I needed to make sure to get that out of the way in case, there was a long wait.
As I was walking throughout the place, killing time, things started getting to me. As much as I am proud of what I have done, I still have to deal with my own body image that I have in my head. I was seeing a lot of women with perfect runner's bodies. I was thinking to myself, "Who do I think I am out there running with my not so perfect body?" I was having a hard time fighting back the tears. I just let them flow! I knew it was going to be emotional for me being that this was my first 1/2 marathon but I thought that I would be experiencing the tears at the end of the race. I guess I was a little backwards this time! LOL! I don't think my body image in my head was the reason I was brought to tears but it did have a little bit to do with it. I think the reason I was brought to tears is that I was truly scared, once again, that I couldn't do it.
It got to be about time to line up for the start of the race. I went out there and picked the 11:00 minute pace people to be near. Nowheres near the pace I normally run, but I needed to be further back this time. The congestion at the beginning of a race is one of things that I was never forewarned about. It can be very overwhelming, to say the least. We started out and I progressively moved forward. I got up to the pace that I was shooting for. I was comfortable and that was the main thing. I wasn't setting out to win the race. I wasn't setting out to beat my pace time from when I ran the 10 miler. I had two goals in mind. To run the entire time and to finish the race.
Every mile mark that I would pass, I would acknowledge it with my "yeah baby" move. I wanted to enjoy this race even more than the 10 mile race. I wanted it to be special and feel special and it was. I was having the time of my life. It's an awesome experience to be surrounded by people who share a common bond with you. And yet, everyone's story is different as to why they were there.
I was much more comfortable with this race...with my thoughts, with myself and with how I felt. I felt love and support all the way through the 13.1 miles. It amazing how different a person can feel 6 weeks later. I firmly believe that in that short amount of time that I grew even stronger as a person, if that is even possible.
I crossed the finish line and heard my name announced and thought to myself..."Holy Shit, you did it Monica!" And all I could think about at that moment was "When can I do this again?" Yup, I'm hooked...
“Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment.”~~
I loved reading this, Monica!!! It makes me motivated to get back out and run...a little! haha, Miss you! ~Maureen
ReplyDeleteLOL Maureen! Run a little? There is no such word as little in Monica's vocabulary! Miss you all very much! I'm glad that you enjoy reading my blog!
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