Fear and Faith

I felt the need to write today so here goes and I will apologize in advance for it 'cause it might get a little emotional.  Today was my weigh-in day.  I started out the day as usual with me rising at 6:00 and getting dressed and doing my stretches.  It was a shorter run today so I was looking forward to that.  I like the long distance runs but it is a nice balance to have 2 days a week where I don't have to push myself mentally.  I have to have the right mindset on the days where I go longer.  Anyhow, I knew I had to weigh-in this morning so I wanted to git r done, so to speak!

I spent the better half of the run just thinking and hoping that I was going to be able to handle whatever that scale said.  Things have been fitting a little looser but I was not going to get my hopes up.  I know how that works...I get my hopes up and then I fall hard.  So, I just ran this morning and told myself that I had to have the attitude that I would go in there, get weighed and continue to trudge on...no matter what the scales said.  I tend to do my best thinking when I am out there every morning.  Somedays, I am so into the "zone" that it is almost scary.  Other days, it's like I have ADD and can't seem to get it together.  I prefer the "zone" feeling.  That is the feeling that helps me mentally!

I finished up with my weight bench workout after I got home from the run.  I hit the shower and then got myself looking all pretty for my visit to the doc's office.  I got there and didn't even have to sit and wait.  Sometimes I have to wait till someone can do the scales for me if they are dealing with patients.  And that makes me even more nervous when that happens!  LOL!  I just show up once a month, no appt. and have the nurse or another employee get it ready and then I hop on it and that's it.  No doctor to see and it's just me keeping track of it.  They have been wonderful at letting me do this for 2 and 1/2 years now.  So, I just sit there and be patient with them 'cause they really are doing me a favor!

I told her the amount that it was last month and then I looked at the scales and then proceeded to tell the scales to "be nice to me."  LOL!  Got on there and couldn't believe my eyes.  I jumped off and then I jumped up and down and then swore and then got back on the scales again just to make sure!  How in the world had I lost 7.6 lbs?  I hadn't had a good loss like that in a long time.  I was moved to the point I had to choke back the tears.  I got just a little teary-eyed.  Walked out of the building and I was like Holy Shit (pardon my language)!

I came home and posted a pic and the amount lost on facebook like I do every month.  Immediately, my friends were liking my pic and my status and commenting too!  It's amazing the support that I get from my friends on there.  Amazing but also overwhelming, to say the least!  Some days, I feel like I just threw it at everyone to be my own little support group, without asking if anyone wanted to do that.  But they have never failed me!  I post the ups and downs of it all and I post to this blog how I feel and people accept it.  I'm sure not everyone reads my status updates or this blog but that is okay too!

The only bad thing is with a loss like this...is that I am literally on a "high" all day and then it comes down.  And it comes down hard.  I start thinking to myself what did I do to get that amount of loss this time.  What haven't I been doing?  Then I start thinking of how close goal is again and how I bad that I want to be there.  I can see it, taste it and almost touch it.  But the realistic part of me knows that it's best for Monica to keep her wits about her right now!

I sat down in my chair tonight after supper and just literally stared at a side by side picture that my friend posted on my wall on facebook.  She has did this for me before and I appreciate it more than she knows.  But it hits me every time.  I see what no one else sees and I feel what no one else feels and I just wanted to bawl my head off and I still do!  If I could put it into words, the first word that comes to mind is "stranger."  It probably seems crazy to some people but that is how I feel.  I want that feeling to go away.  I want to be at peace with seeing pics of myself bigger.  It was me!  I have to let myself be at peace with it but I think deep down I am not letting myself go there 'cause I figure if I accept it then I will go back to it!  And that fear is something that eats at me and I have to get control of it so it doesn't control me!

I am learning so much about myself during this journey.  I wonder if the changes that I have experienced are supposed to be happening.  Like a part of a bigger picture that I have yet to see?  It's all about faith and I just need to grasp that!


"Fear ends where faith begins."~~Author unknown