Here's more to the story...I felt good immediately after I got off the treadmill. Sweaty but good!! LOL!! I literally felt a rush of confidence come over me. I know it seems strange to some but I have never had a lot of confidence or self-esteem. Yes, I am outgoing. Yes, I could make friends with a doorknob but when it comes down to feeling good about myself...NOT SO MUCH!! :-( That went out the window back when I was a kid. You don't hear/see the words "dog" and not let it affect you just a little. In my case, it affected me a lot. To this day, it still does. It is really sad that kids (boys) have to be so cruel. I didn't understand why they had to "rate" the girls. I was a little honored cause one boy said I had a nice personality. Lay man's terms...DOG!! LOL!! I know, I am almost 42 years old and I shouldn't let something a handful of prepubescent boys said decades ago determine my self-worth but it did.
When I started losing the weight people started complimenting me. And that is something I am not used to hearing. For the most part, they have been nice compliments. Others have made me go "hmmm..." LOL!! I actually need to "file" those away for a day when I need a huge laugh!! I am getting better at hearing them. I would get analytical at first but now I just say "Thank you". I am very hard on myself for this reason. I never had anyone from school remotely interested in me growing up. Never any of the "will you go with me" crap that they did in middle school. Where the hell was you going to go back then? Class? Yep, like I really needed a date for that!! Ha! Ha! Really the only time I got any compliments way back then was when we would go see my Great Uncles in the nursing home. They always said, "your such a nice looking girl." First off, they were old and second off, they were my uncles. They were going to be nice to me no matter what. Made me feel good but also made me feel like I would have to date someone 60 years older than me in order to find someone that would like me and find me attractive!! Yup, that wasn't going to happen!! Ha! Ha!
I know it sounds absurd that I would let other people determine my self-worth. When it comes down to it, it's all about fitting in and not so much about being one of the "pretty girls". I really didn't fit in. I didn't like cliques and I still don't. I guess in my perfect world...every girl would hear how pretty she was and every guy would hear how handsome he was. People wouldn't call each other names. Everyone would have a friend. And no one would feel alone!! Is that a little too much to ask? Yup, so not going to happen...LOL!!
Until next time...
I think that we all have a bunch of baggage from those years that follows us around. Most of it does have to do with the physical because that is what kids tend to focus on...but what a shame that as adults are still dealing with that crap in the back of our heads. Like it is a seed that was planted so long ago about who we were in other people's eyes and we have no idea how to pull out the ugly weed.
ReplyDeleteYou are going thru something in the last 2 yrs that the rest of the women in the world have been trying to forget about or deal with since graduation..Way to hit it head on Monica! Put it the in the past, for all the rest of us gals too..and then tell us the secret! :)
I've tried to pull that ugly weed many, many times!! I'm about ready to spray some heavy duty weed killer on it!! LOL!! I think the secret to it all is just being honest with yourself. You feel like shit cause others made you feel like shit. So the best revenge is to come back fighting and be even "harder and stronger." It still gets to me but I'm putting this all out there so that way I can deal with these feelings head on once and for all!! And maybe, just maybe, it will help me to see that others have had the seed planted a long time ago too!! Thanks for your comment!! :-)
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