Holy Schnikes!  Two posts in one week!  There are so many thoughts that run through my head daily (okay, hourly) and I try to get them out this way.  Writing is therapy for me.  It is where I can say what I want without feeling judged.

I got in 2 runs this week and I think that has a lot to do with me doing a little more thinking.  Running gives me clarity and balance and works that brain of mine for the good.  Sometimes when I run, the thoughts I have might not be all that positive but I have to remember they are my thoughts and as silly as some of them are, they pop in my head.  The main thing is...I have to learn is to filter those thoughts and shove the bad ones out the door...which is hard as hell!

But then there comes a time when some of those thoughts are a bit of an epiphany of sorts.  And that was what happened on my run this morning.  When I started my weight loss journey, I did it in the hopes that as I got my body to look the way I wanted...that it would make me happy.  It seriously brought out thoughts and feelings that I had bottled up for many years.  I was very far off base!

A thing that I am learning on this journey is that money doesn't buy you happiness, people don't give you happiness.  You can feel happy momentarily when you spend that money but then reality sets in and those things that you are struggling with are still there.  Just like with drinking alcohol or getting high...the problems will still be there after you come down from that euphoria.

One thing that I have noticed these past 6 years.. is that every little loss or gain affects me.  It takes over my emotions.  Even if I feel okay with a gain, deep down I let it get to me.  And if I lose...it's like I start looking at that number and I feel like it isn't enough.  When in fact, I should be celebrating a loss no matter how little.  And life can be that way too!  I'm very guilty of that!

I'm trying my hardest to bring this invisible bar that I have down to a realistic level.  I want to be content with a loss.  I want to be content with my performance on any job that I do.  I want to look at the bigger picture on things instead of concentrating on the negative.  I have faith in myself that I can do this and I know that I have the determination to make it happen!

And as I ran this morning for the 2nd time in 3 days, I was reminded of my determination and faith.  It was 4 years ago that I ran my first race...a 10 miler!  I can't say that it didn't get to me this morning to not be participating in it but I am far from ready "performance wise" to do it!  I will get there once again!  And if I don't....that will be fine too!  I will look back on this and smile, not frown.

It's all on how you look at things.....:D