Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Self thing you can control!

I'm finding out that self-discovery can be a bit of a bitch.  It feels like a roller coaster that you want to jump off of but you can't 'cause there is only one way out and backwards IS NOT IT (even though it is what you are used to)!  You learn so much about yourself....what makes you tick, what pisses you off, and what you can improve on.

I have said this numerous times before...I am very grateful that I am sane enough to see what I need to fix about myself.  To see one's issues, to admit to your own takes courage!   And while I don't see myself as strong...I really admit and "own" these things!

And as bad as it sounds, I need to stop worrying about other people's issues and just deal with my own.  I am a "fixer" or peacemaker by nature.  I would rather have everyone get along.  I don't like to see grudges being held.  I don't like to see people not admit to their own problems (thinking that they are never at fault).  But as I go through my own self-discovery, I see I have a few grudges (if that is what you call them) that I'm hanging onto!

I need to learn to let go of a bunch of stuff and it by far, has been one of my hardest things EVER that I need to do.  I guess I like to hold onto that shit like luggage!  LOL!  Sometimes, it's the perspective from others or just my own plain "slow in coming to my brain" moments.  I don't know why I do it but I hate it and I just need to learn that I can't control every single little thing that happens to me!

There are those days where my head literally hurts and nights where I can't shut my brain off.  And then there are those days where I am "still" and my head literally breathes a sigh of relief...for a moment!  I want more of those "still" moments.  And I need to realize that that is the only thing that I can control!  I get to choose!  No one chooses but me! The only thing that I can control...

So thankful that I can see this!  Now if I can just make this happen, ahhh....

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