Over-thinking, choices, and growth...

It had been awhile since I updated this blog so I figured it was best to get to it!  I have to be "moved" to write and I just did my latest article for the SJ Locale and it is a doozy!  I am my worst critic but there are times when I write that I re-read it and think to myself, "WOW"!  I don't want to come across "too dark" in my thoughts but there are times when I wished that someone would've forewarned me to everything you think and feel when losing/gaining weight.  So, I addressed a little bit of that in my latest article...

I also found myself "over-thinking" on my latest run.  I ran 11.14 miles on Sunday with two friends.  Even though I was with people on my run, I still had time to think...to get that clarity.  It had been awhile since I had a long run like that.  I didn't realize how much I missed doing that many miles.  I was thinking back to last year at this time.  I was running at least 5 days a week and a minimum of a certain amount of miles.  I was still running inside on the treadmill.  I wasn't wanting to go outside.  I had no desire to even try!  I did it occasionally but it just didn't "stick" with me.  I couldn't understand when people would call their treadmills "dreadmills".  I loved mine...I had an unusual addiction to mine!  LOL!

I don't know if I just had to "absorb" it in for a little bit to get used to it but now, I would prefer to run outside completely.  There really is no weather that stops me.  It's other things that are stopping me from running right now...time constraints, excuses, you name it.  I got in two decent runs this week and it sure made me a little happy camper, so to speak!  I wish that feeling could be bottled up and sold because I could be a millionaire, right now.  I do think each time I add another run to the mix that it will help jump start my weight loss again.  I've been making sure not to give up my Thursday night runs and it feels good to still have that little bit of dedication left.  But I know I will feel better if I commit myself to more.  I just know that I got to get back to the running.  It's so hard to explain to someone who doesn't have that drive in them.  Probably makes me sound a little crazy...

I have it in me...it's still there!  It's just a matter of choice right now.  I'm choosing to do what I can.  It takes a lot of mental stamina to run, to exercise, to lose weight.  I'm okay with the fact that I took a little break from it.  But right now, I'm not okay with it and I'm fighting to make sure I don't lose any more ground.  I'm okay with putting this out there.  If it helps someone to know exactly what goes on in a person's head then so be it. If someone was to jump in my head then they would know that I fight every day to not go back to that weight again.  And when I have a gain like I did last month, it's like I'm fighting the devil. 

I tend to beat myself about things.  It may not make sense to anyone else but it works for me.  It gets me in "that place".  You really wouldn't want to be along on my alone runs 'cause I yell at myself.  And the things I yell at myself...not so nice!  LOL!  It's like having my own drill sergeant along for the run.  Who else is going to kick my ass?  It's better for me to do it 'cause that way I will learn more from it.  I take my own criticism alot easier than from others.  Always have...always will.  I have to experience things for myself to learn from them.  Nobody else can lose your weight, no one else can exercise for you, no one else can "fix" you.

So, I figure the best way for me to learn things is to jump right in and experience them for myself.  Leap if you must...

"All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous, unpremeditated act without benefit of experience.”

~~Henry Miller