Sometimes, I wonder if I am a "freak" of nature. I've wanted to change how I react to things, how I feel about things/people, how "transparent" I can be to good friends. My mom said as a child I cried as if I had a broken heart. And it's still so true of me. I found myself getting teary-eyed late last night and a "choked up" feeling. I know that it isn't hormonal of me cause I have always cried at the drop of a hat or have gotten teary-eyed when someone else is crying or am feeling sentimental. I can't make it through Silent Night without crying or How Great thou Art. I can hear the words at the Passion of Christ at Good Friday service when he cries out to his Father, "My God, My God why have you forsaken me" and start crying. Heck, I'm teary-eyed right now just typing the words!
I guess I just needed to look at it as my special gift given to me by God and that I'm not a "freak." Okay, some of you might say otherwise, but you can all just shut your mouths -- LOL! I have to look at it as a blessing and not a curse to feel the way I do. People who have trouble showing their feelings would probably give anything to feel like me. I always felt that same way...to be the opposite of what I am. To change "that" about me would be like changing my soul, what God put there in the first place. We are all unique. Just like snowflakes, there are never two of the same.
This weight loss journey that I have been on for 2+ years has really open my eyes to a lot of things. I've seen myself "grow" and to be able to accept myself for who I am. I have also seen a lot of "true colors" come out of others. Some good, some bad. I'm learning to accept that I have no control over anyone else and what they think or what they do. I know that I do have control over myself and what I think and what I do. I am so glad that I've let these changes happen in me! That I've been open to them! That I've not feared the unknown! That I have had the faith to believe!
I've put myself out there by sharing each month my losses or gains on Facebook. I have included others to be witnesses along on this journey of mine. I've put my feelings out there by writing this blog, by my posts and comments on Facebook and by writing the series of articles for the St. Johns Locale magazine. It has helped me "own" up to my weight problem. I'm hoping that it helps me grow even more into the confident and strong woman that I'm destined to be.
I've noticed that I'm growing stronger mentally, physically and spiritually. If it wasn't for God giving me the motivation and dedication to persevere this long, I would think I would be in an institution by now. I'm still trying to work on the emotional part of myself (attitude and etc.) but I know that will take some time. I'm not "changing" the things that make "ME who I am." I'm just trying to be a better "ME" is all! I would catch hell from some people, if I did that! LOL! All I know, is that this has been an incredible journey so far for me...
The wealth of a soul is measured by how much it can feel; its poverty by how little.
-William R. Alger
Great job Monica! This is very well said and I am like that person you spoke of the sometimes wishes that I could be more emotionally available. I think that often as people age, we get a thicker skin...so thick that we tend to shut our feelings off. It is hard to turn them back on sometimes.
ReplyDeleteThis post makes me think of Stella and how she was the same way as you. She wore her heart on her sleeve and always told people how much they meant to her. I bet she left this world with very little left unsaid..I think of her everyday now and how I can begin to live MORE that way.
She would be proud of you. I know I am!
Awe, I have tears in my eyes. I always enjoy reading what you have to say. You are a very beautiful, strong woman. I am privileged to call you my friend. Angie
ReplyDeleteAww...sitting here with tears in my eyes ladies!! I was thinking a lot about Stella today. I still have her e-mail addy in my contacts list and I won't take her out. I think that is what everyone loved about her! I just miss how she would call me Mona. I loved how she had names for her friends. I think people should say how they feel cause you never know when you will be leaving this earth. Thank you for being proud of me! Angie, I am privileged to call you my friend too! I feel so much stronger now. I have my moments still but I definitely feel more confident in myself.
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