Being there at the right time and the right place!

I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to want to show my face ever again at my local bank.  Not because I robbed it or anything like that!  LOL!  I had a meltdown of sorts.  It's been a really long week mentally and physically for me. I had my orthopedic doctor appt on Monday and that wasn't the best appt news wise.  And I have had to clean for my normal people in the past 4 days but double duty for the past 2 days cause I have a mandatory work thing on Friday for my real job.  Besides the work being physically draining...it's mentally draining cause a lot of them are in their 80's or close to it.  I don't think I need to explain further other than the help I give them probably should be something their kids should be helping with but can't. And I have walked over 27 miles from Friday-Wednesday just to keep my knee in motion and to keep my ass from turning into a 500 lb. lady with my own tv reality show.  I'm just drained.

When I got out of my last cleaning job late this afternoon, I had a feeling that the tears were ready to fall but I kept myself together or so I thought.  I put the radio on and proceeded to wait till I could get on the highway from the side street.  A song comes on...not even a sad song but it was the catalyst to get the floodgates started.  I should have known better.  It could've waited but noooopppeee...I had to go to the bank to deposit money.  It wasn't like I had to right at that moment.

I proceeded to walk up to a teller.  They all know me real well there.  I wasn't sure what amount I was depositing and I was doing everything in my power to think straight. And then all of sudden, I started to cry.  Not just teary eyed but the ugly kind. I told her that I was just drained mentally, physically and emotionally.  They got me all taken care of and I was crying as I was walking out the bank doors....looking like a lunatic.

I get out to my car and was fiddling with my phone and all of a sudden this lady comes up to the car window and said how bad she felt for me.  She asked me my name and said she was going to pray for me.  She proceeded to stand there listening to me for at least the next 20 minutes. She said she understood where I was coming from and what I was feeling cause she had had her own issues 9 years ago with lung cancer and working hard for little to pay the bills.  She knew what it was like to struggle with that and her health.

She didn't judge me.  She just sat there and listened.  I know for a fact that she was meant to be at that place at that time.  I don't give a shit what anyone else says about coincidences like that. I was feeling so alone at that moment when I got out to my car and here comes this lady up to my window not worrying if I was some lunatic.  She was doing the thing that all of us need to do...to show compassion, to not be so damn selfish with our time, to not be so rushed with people....to actually give a shit about another human being besides ourselves.

Her name was Mary.  I told her thank you and God Bless her.  And I told her that I would be thanking God in my prayers tonight for sending her to me at that moment when I needed someone to just listen.  I hope that someday when some crazy menopausal lady (like myself) starts to cry hard in a public place, that I can pay it forward to that person like this kind lady did to me.

Acceptance and strength

I felt compelled to write today and I looked at the date of my last post.  It was almost a year ago and it was about strength.  Call it pure coincidence but me getting on here today was a big sign.  I thought last year's hysterectomy was a tough one health wise but that was a walk in the park compared to some issues I started having at the end of the year with my knee and still having issues with it.

The end of the year I started having some pain behind my knee and then it got painful to walk.  Given my family's history of blood clots, my family doctor ordered an ultrasound.  I found out at that ultrasound that I had a baker's cyst.  He referred me to an orthopedic surgeon to be seen.  It was a few days before Christmas and I couldn't stand it any longer and went to the emergency room.  All they did there was give me a pain shot and some crutches and told me that I needed to see an orthopedic surgeon which I was already waiting to hear back from.

I was finally able to see the ortho doctor and he immediately, by examination, figured it was a torn meniscus but needed me to get an MRI to find out for sure but gave me a cortisone shot in my knee to help(which was not my idea of fun).  I got the results and it was a torn meniscus.  We scheduled surgery for when I was off work during Spring Break.

I had the surgery and came home that day.  Walked out of the hospital with no crutches, went upstairs with no problems.  Hell, I walked out to my mailbox and got the mail with very minimal pain.  Got my ice machine all hooked up to help with the swelling.  I went to bed that night with very minimal pain.  Was able to sleep pretty decent and didn't wake up to take my pain pill.  That was a big mistake...HUGE!  Woke up with a pain level that was beyond their little charts.  I was praying for death or a sawzall to cut my leg off, whichever came first.

I made it through those 2 weeks off and I was getting better but still had a little pain.  I fell just a little bit down my stairs 2 weeks post surgery but it was like I slid and so my knee went straight.  Took it easy the rest of that day and made sure I iced it and took some Motrin.  My Doctor said if at a month after my post surgery appt. that if I was still in pain to come see him.  At the end of the month's time I fell going up the stairs on the bus (my fault cause my knee popped and it threw me off balance and down I went on my knee).  I must have hit it hard enough cause I couldn't get right back up and me being the big baby that I am, started to cry.

I went to see the doctor and he wasn't too pleased with me.  He said I was dealing with a high q patellar something (I can't remember the word for it but he wanted me to go to physical therapy.  I hem hawed about it and then decided I would at least try it.  I was to come back after my therapy was done to reevaluate it.  I had an appt set but my ortho surgeon stopped seeing patients for some reason (I'm bewildered) so I had to find another doctor.  I was able to get an appt with a doctor that comes from another town to my hometown.

Well today was that appt.  I took everything in with me...my pics from the surgery, my x-ray from back in December, my MRI from January and all my post op paperwork.  I talked with this new doctor and he listened to me and examined it said he wanted to do an x-ray on it first to see if I had some issues happen cause of the fall.  He could see the swelling from the minute he sat down.  He came back in after the x-ray and went over the results.  He said there was some definite narrowing on the one side of the knee.  He wants me to have another MRI to see just what else was going on with it cause their was a part on the x-ray that he was questioning.

I sat there and took this all in.  I told him that I felt the therapy was helping but that I wasn't back to my full potential.  I was given it my 110% there but still had pain when I sit too long or stand too long or turn over in bed or put my left sock and/or shoe on.  He said that he wasn't sure if my pained knee movements were cause of arthritis and/or cartilage loss or if the meniscus got tore some more.  I told him that I have been doing some walking with the brace on but by the end of my walks I can feel it even with the brace on.  I told him that I walked this morning for 4.36 miles and you would have thought that I said I ran a full marathon.  He said that was too much and for right now until we get that MRI done to not be pushing it.

I started to get teary eyed.  I told him that I used to be a runner.  That I ran 2 half marathons, 2 10 mile races and a few 5K's.  I told him that I haven't been able to get back to running cause of mostly my knee (I have sciatic issues but that is nothing compared to the feeling of your knee slamming down).  I told him that I am not meant to be a sedentary person that I lose weight only when I add exercise to my dieting.  My own family doctor has seen that with me.

I'm sure my new ortho doctor thought I was being a typical woman with hormonal issues but that was/is not the case with me. It's the frustration that I can't do what I want to do.  It's the frustration of it not getting back to 100% with me.  It's the frustration of gaining weight....weight that I lost working my ass off to accomplish that. While I haven't totally gained everything back (which I am trying to find the silver lining in this), it still ticks me off.  My body isn't letting me do the shit I want.  The drive and determination is there but it's been one thing or another.

I'm guessing that there might be a lesson to be learned in all this....that I might have to get just a little bit stronger so that I can learn to accept that my body is telling me these things that I need to hear and that I might not be able to do what I once did.  I have to look at it, as all part of the journey that I have been on, the weight loss, the weight gain, finding my inner strength, fighting my demons, becoming the person that I am now and eventually being able to find inner peace.  Maybe it's not the destination that matters but the journey getting there is what does.  Maybe my journey isn't about all those things in my head that I think I need to accomplish to be considered successful but in the lessons to be learned and accepted?

Determining strength

What determines strength?  I ask myself that question frequently.  Is it the person who holds their shit together all the time or is it the person who can be real and raw with their emotions in front of people?  Some say that is a weakness but I am finding out that being real, being raw shows that I'm strong enough to let myself be me. 

When I set out on my journey 9 years ago (when I had my awakening), I didn't know that I was showing strength then.  I was taking back my life.  I was strong enough to put myself first for once and do what I needed to do to find that lost girl.  I was strong enough to say that I had had enough.  I didn't know how I was going to do it or if I was going to be able to do it....to be on my own...but I did it with a giant leap of faith.  

I underestimate myself.  I always have since I was a little girl.  I didn't have the confidence in myself or the self-esteem to be sure of myself and my choices.  I always had that protection, an umbrella of sorts, to watch over me and/or to do things for me.  And I let people do that cause it was easier and it didn't cause me the inner turmoil in my head.

I have always been one to be critical of myself, to be insecure with me (which comes off as being insecure with others), to question my own self-worth.  There are times where I'm secure in all those things and then I put that "sweater"on.  My friend Barb called it that once and it has always stuck with me.  That sweater is comfortable and when I take that off and get all gutsy then there is that inner turmoil that says to me, "what the hell are you doing, you can't do that or who do you think you are"? 

But I'm finding out that I'm much stronger than I realize.  I had been dealing with some female medical issues and working through them despite the nagging pain I was feeling.  The first of the year, my body decided to nag me even harder and I finally listened to it.  I had to have numerous things done before my actual hysterectomy surgery.  Ultrasounds (the belly kind and the "inside" kind), physical exams, an endometrial biopsy done in the office that would make a grown man drop to his knees and cry, a scope inside of me and a D&C.  And then you have the waiting on test results which tests that inner strength.

Strength comes from the only other option you have is to be strong.  Strength comes from dealing with your self-worth, your self esteem, your self confidence and your insecurities.  It comes from dealing with your own shortcomings, your faults, your mistakes.  And it comes from not saying anything cause you will come off as a whiny baby.  Strength comes from putting those big girl panties on and dealing with all the feelings inside that tell you that you can't do this!

But true strength comes from a belief in yourself (as little as it may be) that you can do this...that you can get through this...that you have made it this far.  My hysterectomy showed me all that and then some.  I found out a lot of things that I thought I couldn't do but was able to cause that was my only option.

So even though I have whined and I have cried and doubted myself more times than I can count....that I'm showing strength right there by dealing with it...by being real and admitting it!  So... I am woman (yes even with my inerds gone) hear me roar!  (Or occasionally meow when I got that "sweater" on that I talk about earlier 😉 )!  LOL!

Getting to know yourself!

It's funny how soul cleansing a walk or run is. I used to run a shit ton and the balance and clarity that I got from it was beyond therapeutic. The walking that I have been doing since the middle of summer is darn near the same feeling.  I ran alone a lot.  There were times, few and far between, where I would run with a friend or two but it was never that same feeling.  You can't get that feeling when you are too busy yapping your jaw! LOL!  The same thing goes for walking.  But the bad thing about that is that the silence can be deafening.  And you better be good with that!

I find myself doing far more thinking than a normal person might like.  It's like soul searching...getting to know who you who are and what makes you tick.  And it's a big eye opener at times.  For me, I've found out that just like running, the walking is still stoking my determination.  It's still lighting a fire underneath my butt. 

If something is bothering me on any given day then most of the time it gets hashed out during my walks.  This morning I took advantage of the snow day for school and did a 5 1/2+ mile walk.  It was cold as shit out yet, I didn't notice.  I was extremely lucky not to have to see many people so that was a bonus.  I know that sounds bad of me but it's the honest to God truth.  I love that time where I go off the radar/grid.  There is no music playing in my ears.  It's just me and my thoughts and PLENTY of peace and quiet.  I got that balance, the peace, the clarity that not too many people get or let themselves get.

I think many people are so busy with trying to muffle out the world that they aren't really muffling out the world with all the distractions.  Shutting out the world to me is no phone, no music, no one talking to you....just SILENCE!  And in that silence you tend to find out who you really are and what makes you tick.  I have plenty of people who think they know me but I am the only one who knows me truly inside and out.  I show want I want to show but there is so much more than beats the eye with me.

I feel so many things deeper than most people.  I get my feelings hurt at the drop of a hat.  I get tense when people are discussing stuff (or arguing).  I get sad when I think about how fast time is going now as I'm getting older.  There is so many other facets to me that people don't see or they don't know about 'cause I'm very selective now what I choose to share.

I wish more people would get in touch with themselves and not be so scared to actually be alone with their thoughts and feelings.  I used to hate it but those moments when I'm by myself out walking...those moments are priceless to me now!

Thinking a little differently

I really can't stand it when Facebook has that "this day in memory" thing.  It's nice when it's something that you want to look back on and smile but do I really need to be reminded of my weight loss/weight gain/struggle with pictures and postings?  I would say NOT!  It's something that I live with everyday.  But I'm beginning to look at it a little different now.

I saw myself as a bit of a failure with my weight gain after the loss of 106 lbs. I told myself that I wasn't going to go there again.  I probably even told a few people to slap me upside the head if I did.  Well, I didn't have anyone knocking down the door to slap me upside the head.  I guess that is where the first mistake has come in.  What I have learned in all of this...is that I can't expect anyone to do this for me ('cause it would sure be nice if someone could loss weight for me without me doing a damn thing).

The main thing that I have learned is that I'm not a failure and to look at it differently.  I didn't gain back all my weight so that is a good thing.  I didn't lose my drive and determination....they were just taking a nice little break.  I should be praising myself instead of beating myself down.  But I guess until you have lived with my struggle then you really don't know. Failure is not getting back up again.  Failure is not trying.  Failure is not learning something from it.

I know when I was in the "thick" of things with my weight loss, that I was not healthy in my mind & also body.  Nobody...except now...knows that I was a little obsessed (okay, to some that would be a lot).  Is it healthy for your body and mind to run a shit ton of miles, bicycle after that, lift some weights, and then go for either a walk that night or possibly another run?  Is it healthy to put something in your mouth so you can "taste" it and then spit it out so you don't gain from it?  Was it healthy of me to put an expectation bar up so high that I wasn't able to reach it?  Oh, I could go on for days....

I just started back up again to exercising.  Not to any extremes.  I'm walking right now.  I'm doing what my body is letting me do.  I do give myself goals as to distance but they are within reach and if I don't do it that day....it's not the end of the world.  I would like to run again...someday...but I'm rather content right now to do my little speed walking.

I'm doing my own thing (without anything else) just like I did when I started the journey back in 2009.  It's what I do and I don't want anyone to tell me what I should or shouldn't do.  At the end of the day, if I'm happy with me and my effort then that's what matters!  It isn't anyone else's lesson or lifestyle or journey but my own! 

Pride and Doubt

I haven't wrote in awhile and every time I think about doing it then something comes up and takes my inspiration to do it and shoves it right out of my mind.  Grief does a lot to people and this time experiencing it has hit me harder.  Some days, it just feels like a struggle to get through the day with my sanity intact.  I've experienced grief before.  I've lost a friend, classmates, grandparents, and my baby that I miscarried to name just a few.  My heart first got a crack in it when I lost a friend of mine 31 years ago.  I thought that was the worst thing I could go through.  I was a teenager and I really didn't know what losing someone was like.  The years have passed....that sorrow eased.  And then came my miscarriage and that rocked me to my core.  The years have passed and that sorrow eased.  And then came the loss of my Dad and that showed me that your heart can be broken to the point of feeling like you can't breath, to the point of feeling like you have lost your mind, to the point that you wonder if anything will ever feel the same to you

My Dad was probably the best teacher in the world.  He was a cutter and tool grinder by trade so he literally wasn't a teacher but in my world, he was.  He taught my Mom and my siblings and I so much about life.  He showed us what it was like to carry so many "crosses" or burdens.  He had to grow up rather quickly as a young teenager when his Dad had a heart attack at the age of 42.  My Dad was 15 and they had a farm and he had to take a lot of the burden on of being "the man of the house" while my Grandpa recovered.  He had help from his brothers and sister but a lot of the responsibility laid on his shoulders.  He fought an addiction to alcohol for 35 years.  I still don't really know the reasons why he drank.  He used to say that he would drink whether he was happy or sad, mad or glad, alone or with people but me being the analytical person that I am likes to know reasons.  It's my own burden to deal with (being analytical) and wanting to know more in this world than I need to! 

I don't think he ever stopped "teaching" me.  He showed all of us what it was like to have health problems (more than one) and have to live daily with pain.  He didn't know from day to day what would start hurting him next or what side effects he was going to have from all the meds (heart and rheumatoid arthritis) that he had to be on to live a somewhat normal life.  

When he gave up the drinking, I'm sure that he had a lot of self analyzing to deal with.  He had to deal with the guilt of the drinking and to put it behind him and he did.  He started living in the "now" but also had the future on his mind cause he didn't know how much of a future he would have and that he wanted to be "prepared" for his final days.  He got his house in order, so to speak.  And that is where he taught us all about faith.  The faith of not knowing but believing!

He knew what it was like for me to deal with my weight cause he had issues with his own weight.  His health and his meds took a lot of his weight away but at the cost of being sick and not having a lot of strength (muscle wise).  But he had strength of the mind.  He was such a big support of when I started my weight loss journey.  He was so proud of me that he would tell strangers about it.  When I went through my divorce and couldn't devote a lot time for myself to workout (cause I had to go to work) and gained some of the weight back, I just wonder what really went through his mind.  He felt such pride in what I had done with my weight.  I would like to think that he was still proud of me for what I accomplished.

I don't know about anyone else but as a child, I have always and even to this day, striven to make my parents proud of me.  My Dad forgave himself for the alcohol addiction so why can't I learn to forgive "me" for thinking my crazy thoughts of him not being proud of me.  For a multitude of reasons, mainly my struggle with my weight or for the fact that I didn't always live up to whatever standards I thought he had for any of us kids or for things in his own life.  I know that he didn't have a stupid expectation bar like I have in my own life.  I know that he loved me regardless of my flaws.  He had unconditional love for me and that is probably the best gift he EVER gave to me and it's also by far the best lesson in life that I was taught by him.

 I will strive to attain that unconditional love for my loved ones and mainly for myself.  I know that my Dad wouldn't want me to be thinking that way.  I know as a parent myself, just how proud I am of my kids so for me to think that my Dad or Mom stopped being proud of me when I gained some back some of my weight is silly!  I should never doubt just how much pride and love a parent can have for a child...especially if that child is me!

Coming to realize.....

The alarm went off this morning and all I could think of is, "hit the snooze and go back to sleep".  Before I went to bed last night, I told myself that I was going to get up early and go for a walk.  It's funny how my inner self starts back into the same talk that it would do when I started running 7 years ago.  There would be a inner battle with me where I would make myself feel guilty if I didn't run.  Well, I found myself doing that same battle with my head this morning.  And all I can think of is, "yes, there is still that fire in there"! 

I know that life happened to me and I wish that I could give myself umpteen hours in the day to workout the amount that I did back when I started my weight loss journey.  That is not possible now.  I have more than one job, I have responsibilities like rent and etc. to take care of.  I'm sure these all sound like excuses but it's my reality now.  It was nothing for me to go for a very early morning run, lift weights, take the kids to school, come home and either walk 4 miles or take a nice long bike ride (more than 10 miles).

As I look back on that now....that wasn't healthy.  I'm not saying that I'm overly healthy now 'cause I'm not.  I have around 50 extra lbs on my 5'4 1/2" frame.  I had to laugh as I looked at my "on this day" thingy on face book this morning and 4 years ago I had posted that I ran to town and back 'cause I wanted to see if I could do it....12.6 miles!  Now 4 years later and I'm just excited that I woke up today with a spark of determination.  LOL! 

It was breathtakingly beautiful out this morning and I needed this "time out" in my life.  It's been a difficult 6 months dealing with the ups and downs of my Dad's health and his recent passing.  I was able to shut out noise of the outside world this morning for those 45 minutes.  I talked to my Dad, I did a lot of thinking and I was able to see the sun come up!  That right there is just a gift in itself!

By the end of my walk, I was coming back to reality.  I felt that "ping" of sadness that comes when you are in the midst of grief.  I somehow let that "noise" creep back in again.  But I also felt energized and I felt hopeful.

I started walking 7 years ago when I knew I needed to do something about my weight.  I got bored quickly with that and started running.  As I looked at my "now", I find that it's a little different this time 'cause I have sciatic nerve issues to deal with that haven't went away and also the big thing...I'm 7 years older now.  It's a good day if I wake up without something hurting!  LOL!

But the funny thing is....I felt pain when I first started walking and then running 7 years ago.  I pushed through knee pain, I pushed through back pain and I even pushed through sciatic nerve pain even back then.  I guess you could say that I was lucky this morning cause I immediately started out with shin pain and my thighs were burning.  I didn't feel I was walking that fast but I guess I was.  I kept telling myself that I'll just go to the corner and turn around.  Well, I got to the corner and figured I would just tell that little voice in my head to "shut the hell up and keep walking"!  I'm not a pansy ass by any means and anyone who knows me can attest for my bullheadedness!

I pushed through the pain just like I did 7 years ago.  I had knee pain, foot pain and sciatic nerve pain back then.  I was glad that I was bullheaded this morning.  And I was even more glad that I took the time out to "recharge" me.  I'm hoping that eventually I can build up from walking to a slow run.  It's just a small goal and it won't be the same as last time.  I don't have a magic number in my head that I want to get down to.  If I don't lose those extra 50 lbs on my ass right now (okay, maybe they are in other places too), it won't be the end of the world.  And I would be happy just to be able to squeeze in a little more "recharge" time.  If only there was 36 hrs in a day....lol! Kidding aside, I will just have to allot some time for this. 

I just want to be around for the ones I love and I think the journey that I have been on for so damn long has finally taught me a thing or two. 

Learning to take time for myself!

I'm sure that I have posted this quote before but it continually jumps out at me and pushes me to write about my feelings.  And as I signed into my account and saw the last time I blogged, it occurred to me to get my big old butt back to writing.  Writing is very therapeutic for me 'cause I get the shit out of my head.  It gives me back my clarity.

There is this little inner fight with myself where I feel bad if I don't help people but when I feel overwhelmed like this and have a small little meltdown then I feel and look like the character in The Exorcist...minus the puke and head spinning around.  LOL!  I don't know if it's my upbringing or what but I hate it, truly hate it!

Why can't I say no to people when I don't have the energy and or the time?  I need to practice this and live it out.  The world won't end if Monica can't do it or Monica is in dire need of an adult time out!  LOL!  When you are a giver like me, you forget yourself.  You forget that you need to be able to be okay with your "No's and your Yes's!

I kind of had an epiphany of sorts in the grocery store the other day.  I'm surprised that I didn't leave in a puddle of tears 'cause my day was seriously heading in that direction.  Is it pathetic of me to almost lose it over the can return's printer having an issue?  All I could think about is how dare it have issues.  I am busy enough and I didn't have all night to stand there waiting for a machine to put the cans in and have it end up having a printer error and not spit out the receipt.

I didn't have to take all those cans back right at that minute.  Why put the pressure on myself to try to do everything all in one day.  I should know my limits and boundaries on so many things at my age.  It goes back to that invisible bar that I set for myself, for my work and for others in my life.

I used to hate having any alone time for myself.  I know...many people crave it and/or need it just to recharge.  I find myself now enjoying the moments where I can literally let it all out.  Be it tears or be it anger or be it just me not having to worry if I'm not doing something for someone else.

I thought my weight loss/gain journey was pretty much about food and exercise and outward appearance.  I never would have imagined me being on this journey to better myself inside.... to address some good things about me and to admit to some of my flaws.

I'm finding out that the world will still go on even if Miss Monica says No!  I'm finding out that no one will get so pissed off at me if I say that I don't have the time.  I have to do this for me 'cause if I don't then I give it all and leave nothing for me.

It's not selfish to look out for yourself and your needs.  I'm learning to shut out the world and just sit and be still! 

Seeing through other people's eyes and hearts!

I had an in-service at work on Monday and they showed us this video that was very moving.  I immediately wrote down the quote that was at the beginning 'cause I knew I wanted to write about it.  It hit close to home with me!  The one thing that I like about these in-services is that they include an exercise or a lesson for each of us to take home and try to use in our lives.  They make you think and it is always something good that we can apply to ourselves and on our job.

And what hit home to me is that I need to be more empathetic to other people's issues going on.  I need to take a step back more often and realize that my issues are small compared to other people's problems/issues.  And sometimes you don't always know or can see what is going on with other people.  Some people are very private and no one knows what they think or feel.  They hide all that inside for a lot of reasons.

There are times, more than I like to admit, that I'm guilty of not doing this.  I'm in my own little world and can't see past whatever is going on outside of my mind.  This is something that I think a lot of people are guilty of...not being empathetic enough.  I believe that we, as a society, need to practice more compassion/empathy for others.

You don't realize that sometimes that person you see on the street who looks like they have their shit together really doesn't.  There are a lot of people that are really good at hiding behind a smile or that laugh that you hear.  They have so much more going on and you don't realize it!  And I hope
to learn from this,..to try to be a little more empathetic and a lot less self-centered!

Self discovery...one thing you can control!

I'm finding out that self-discovery can be a bit of a bitch.  It feels like a roller coaster that you want to jump off of but you can't 'cause there is only one way out and backwards IS NOT IT (even though it is what you are used to)!  You learn so much about yourself....what makes you tick, what pisses you off, and what you can improve on.

I have said this numerous times before...I am very grateful that I am sane enough to see what I need to fix about myself.  To see one's issues, to admit to your own shortcomings...it takes courage!   And while I don't see myself as strong...I really am...to admit and "own" these things!

And as bad as it sounds, I need to stop worrying about other people's issues and just deal with my own.  I am a "fixer" or peacemaker by nature.  I would rather have everyone get along.  I don't like to see grudges being held.  I don't like to see people not admit to their own problems (thinking that they are never at fault).  But as I go through my own self-discovery, I see I have a few grudges (if that is what you call them) that I'm hanging onto!

I need to learn to let go of a bunch of stuff and it by far, has been one of my hardest things EVER that I need to do.  I guess I like to hold onto that shit like luggage!  LOL!  Sometimes, it's the perspective from others or just my own plain "slow in coming to my brain" moments.  I don't know why I do it but I hate it and I just need to learn that I can't control every single little thing that happens to me!

There are those days where my head literally hurts and nights where I can't shut my brain off.  And then there are those days where I am "still" and my head literally breathes a sigh of relief...for a moment!  I want more of those "still" moments.  And I need to realize that that is the only thing that I can control!  I get to choose!  No one chooses but me! The only thing that I can control...

So thankful that I can see this!  Now if I can just make this happen, ahhh....

Holy Schnikes!  Two posts in one week!  There are so many thoughts that run through my head daily (okay, hourly) and I try to get them out this way.  Writing is therapy for me.  It is where I can say what I want without feeling judged.

I got in 2 runs this week and I think that has a lot to do with me doing a little more thinking.  Running gives me clarity and balance and works that brain of mine for the good.  Sometimes when I run, the thoughts I have might not be all that positive but I have to remember they are my thoughts and as silly as some of them are, they pop in my head.  The main thing is...I have to learn is to filter those thoughts and shove the bad ones out the door...which is hard as hell!

But then there comes a time when some of those thoughts are a bit of an epiphany of sorts.  And that was what happened on my run this morning.  When I started my weight loss journey, I did it in the hopes that as I got my body to look the way I wanted...that it would make me happy.  It seriously brought out thoughts and feelings that I had bottled up for many years.  I was very far off base!

A thing that I am learning on this journey is that money doesn't buy you happiness, people don't give you happiness.  You can feel happy momentarily when you spend that money but then reality sets in and those things that you are struggling with are still there.  Just like with drinking alcohol or getting high...the problems will still be there after you come down from that euphoria.

One thing that I have noticed these past 6 years.. is that every little loss or gain affects me.  It takes over my emotions.  Even if I feel okay with a gain, deep down I let it get to me.  And if I lose...it's like I start looking at that number and I feel like it isn't enough.  When in fact, I should be celebrating a loss no matter how little.  And life can be that way too!  I'm very guilty of that!

I'm trying my hardest to bring this invisible bar that I have down to a realistic level.  I want to be content with a loss.  I want to be content with my performance on any job that I do.  I want to look at the bigger picture on things instead of concentrating on the negative.  I have faith in myself that I can do this and I know that I have the determination to make it happen!

And as I ran this morning for the 2nd time in 3 days, I was reminded of my determination and faith.  It was 4 years ago that I ran my first race...a 10 miler!  I can't say that it didn't get to me this morning to not be participating in it but I am far from ready "performance wise" to do it!  I will get there once again!  And if I don't....that will be fine too!  I will look back on this and smile, not frown.

It's all on how you look at things.....:D

Glass 1/2 empty=a negative me!

Ahhh...there are so many things that I wish that I could change about myself.  I know...a person doesn't need to change who they are.  Maybe what I meant is that I fight like hell to change some stuff and really I don't need to change those things.  I need to change how I view things, think about things, react about things.

I dislike that I look at things "glass 1/2 empty".  I dislike that I look at good things ending too quickly (Christmas, Birthdays, spending time with loved ones and friends).  And one thing that dislike about myself the most is that I beat myself up about every little thing.

There are a lot of people out there that don't know this about me...that I feel unworthy of love, that I look at the negative side when things are going great (that there will be a ball that drops).  I look at things so differently.  Some days I wonder when that all started and I wish that I could go back in time and stop that shit from happening.

So as I go through life now, things like this become a struggle for me.  I don't want that attitude.  I want to be the person who sees that glass 1/2 full!  I really think it's inherited.  My Dad is the same way...Mr. Pessimistic!  I think that adopted this attitude as a protective measure.  I don't like to be disappointed. 

Well, I can see how dumb that really is!  A person can't protect themselves from every little boo-boo.  Life is full of beautiful moments but then life is also full of disappointments.  And if you spend your time thinking about the latter, you will have wasted those beautiful moments that you should be savoring.  Those moments let you know just how "alive" you are!  

And I had one of the sweetest moments happen to me today at the recycling center.  One of the students on my bus this summer, last summer and the summer before that, saw me there.  There is nothing better than hearing "Hi Monica" and getting a hug and seeing a huge smile come from a child with a lot of issues going on.

That child and a few others give me those "smack myself silly" moments.  You know...the ones where you literally feel like someone is showing you just how pitiful your little party that you are trying to have...really is!  That child doesn't see the glass as 1/2 empty or 1/2 full.  That child is just plain happy to have a glass!  LOL!

I swear, I will change this about me.  It isn't a bad thing to want to be better and to grow from certain qualities in yourself that you don't really like.  I think it would be worse to remain in my glass 1/2 empty thinking.  

And the main thing I have to remember is that I have the power to fill that glass and empty that glass!  

There is a time for everything....

I was just thinking today about how many things I thought were a struggle or a crisis at the moment really weren't at all!  That is the thing about hindsight and how great it would be to have that ahead of time.  The one thing that I know is that life doesn't come without a little bit of struggle, sadness, grief and etc.

Maybe that is where my outlook on life comes in and I believe everything will get better no matter how bad anything you go through in life can be.  It's that "Don't Stop Believing" attitude of mine which is a good thing and a bad thing all wrapped up!  I set a bar for myself and it tends to be a little high some times...

I have dealt with a lot in my 46 years and as much as I would like to say that I didn't want to go through anything, it's a part of my life experiences and has molded me for who I am and how I think. And it has made me stronger than I would like to make myself out to be but has made me be a little cynical too!

That is what is odd about grief.  You don't have to lose a person to death to experience the typical grief emotion.  It can be the loss of a friendship, relationship, marriage, job, your childhood, your idea of how life should be and etc. And as much as we hate to deal with emotions and such, you have to deal with it, in your own way.  

I lost a friend of mine 29 years ago this week and I was young and devastated at the time.  I had lost only a great grandparent or two at that time in my life and so I didn't know how hard it would be for me to deal with.  And as cruel as life can be, I lost a classmate later that year.  Experiencing that grief earlier in the year helped but then another death happens and you get that ripped open feeling again.

I see now that time did heal that wound and what you once thought was unbearable becomes bearable.  And me being the odd duck that I am (lol) deal with things in my own way just like so many others do.  

We can protect our hearts as much as we possible can (build walls and such) but there is a time when you are alone with your thoughts and you just "see" things.  You get that clarity and realize that you have to deal with stuff.  You will come out of it a better person.  And that is why I love this:

A Time for Everything

 For everything there is a season,
    a time for every activity under heaven.
 A time to be born and a time to die.
    A time to plant and a time to harvest.
 A time to kill and a time to heal.
    A time to tear down and a time to build up.
 A time to cry and a time to laugh.
    A time to grieve and a time to dance.
 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
    A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
 A time to search and a time to quit searching.
    A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear and a time to mend.
    A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
 A time to love and a time to hate.
    A time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Putting yourself out there

Funny how you start thinking about something and the pieces just start coming together.  You find similarities between people and you just wonder why no one ever talked about any of their issues before.  I know...some people are private and others are just brought up that way or told to keep their mouth shut.

When I first started writing in this blog, it had to do a lot about my weight loss.  But it has become much more about the journey and everything that entails.  It has taught me a lot about myself...things that I haven't dealt with or that I'm dealing with now.  And as much as I dislike it,  I'm trying to embrace it!  If that makes sense...

Not everyone is comfortable looking within themselves.  And I know a few people who have went to therapy and stopped going cause they didn't want to place any blame on themselves.  It is so much easier to throw that on someone else.  And I was, key word WAS, like that.  I liked to blame everyone else for a lot of things.  My parents, my upbringing, my ex husband, past boyfriends, and etc.

I have shared so much of myself on here and a little part of me thinks that I shouldn't have.  That is the fearful part of me, the "what will they think" part of me, the unsure me.  But you can't help people if you don't put yourself out there.  And I find comfort in knowing others who have had a similar journey as my own.

I underestimate myself.  When I'm having a rough day and I start feeling rather overwhelmed with life and the tears are flowing like a faucet...then I feel rather weak.  I don't feel strong!  But I guess it's rather courageous to deal with one's flaws, one's imperfections.  Strong is not what you can lift.  Strong is going through life's struggles and coming out the other side better than you were before.

So...even if I can help one person by putting my struggles, my journey out there...to feel that they aren't alone in their journey, their self-discovery...then so be it!  Part of me getting comfortable with being me, being comfortable in my own skin!

The blame game!

There comes a point in your life that you need to look deep inside of yourself and start taking the blame for your problems or issues and etc.  You can throw the blame around and live in your own little world or own that shit.  I am very guilty of throwing the blame elsewhere.  And before anyone says to me, "Well Monica, you aren't being nice to "you" by blaming yourself for everything...you aren't being good to yourself by not accepting some blame.

For many years...far too long, I have tried to keep my hands clean, so to speak.  Well, my hands are just as dirty as others.  I have read articles, read books, you name it.  This causes that, that causes this.  Well, when does a person stop looking elsewhere to fix the real problem?  Which usually is within yourself!  Well, I for one, am going to try to get off the blame bus.  I hate riding it and all it does is cause me inner turmoil.

I liked throwing blame on my parent's for my weight issues.  They made me eat everything that was on my plate...probably just like everyone else's parents did during my generation.  Here I am, almost 46 years old and haven't lived with them for almost 25 years.  I didn't gain a lot of my weight until after I moved away.  Hmm...how are they to blame for that?  Yup, they aren't!

I liked throwing blame for my self esteem on some stupid boys in grade school who called me a dog. That was 35-36 years ago.  Nothing like holding onto something for so long that is poison to your mind.

My self-confidence and self worth and security were all affected by people who didn't tell me what I needed to hear or couldn't tell me cause I wasn't listening.  Promises weren't kept, people not telling you the truth, people hurting your feelings, etc.  So, instead of looking within myself to protect me and meet my own needs, I decided it was much better to throw the blame on my parents, ex boyfriends, former friends, an ex husband,and etc.!

I know most of you reading this will think I'm being rather harsh with myself, I'm not.  It's time for me to own that shit!  Too many people want to have a huge pity party.  Too many people would rather keep their hands clean and not look at their flaws.  They bury their head in the sand and then it starts chipping away at themselves.  I once lost myself a long time ago and I'm not going to let that happen again.

I have always written from my heart.  I have had a few people say that my blog may come across a little negative.  Well, this is my outlet.  It's part of my own therapy for me.  If it helps someone then great.  If it pisses someone off then don't read it.  I'm trying my best to become a better me, a healthier me (especially on the inside) and a happier me!  There is nothing wrong with that!

Look within...

What you see on the outside isn't always what's going on in the inside!

I found a quote and it just jumped out at me and so I knew that I had to write.  It is too funny how I struggle to write some days and then there are times that something hits me and I just know that I could sit in front of my screen and just go to town on it!  This is one of those times.

You really never know what goes on behind closed doors, so to speak.  My parents used to tell me this all the time and I used to think they were full of crap!  Sorry, Mom and Dad!  :-(  But there is so much truth in it, that it's not funny!  And to be totally honest with you, this is true with even myself!

Granted, I'm a little more open with sharing some of my struggles with my weight and with my running but there are so many more facets to my life.  I was jealous before of thin people cause they haven't known what it's like to struggle but a very wise person told me that I shouldn't be.  That I don't know what they all have to deal with.  Some of them do whatever they can to gain weight and they can't.  Or some people who are tall and would give anything to be shorter or vice-versa.

People tend to show the world their best.  They put on a good "face" or hide behind a mask.  I have been guilty of that myself and not afraid to admit it.  I'm just lucky that I have a few people who know me all too well and they definitely keep me in check...they see beyond that with me!   

People shouldn't hide behind a mask or put on a good face just to make themselves look good.  You really aren't being honest with yourself and with others.  It's not all that bad to admit to your insecurities or shortcomings.  People won't think less of you.  In fact, they might actually have more respect for you and the things that you have went through.  

You really never know how many people you help by sharing some of those things.  I know not everyone likes to share things about themselves.  I have found out that in sharing some of my struggles that I have helped people and/or inspired.  I know from experience when I miscarried my first baby and all of a sudden people were coming out of the woodwork telling me that they went through that themselves.  I never understood why they didn't share that before but there are some people who are very private and that is their prerogative,  And I guess that needs to be respected.

I just know that I'm glad that I deal with stuff whether I want to or not.  It is something that I have learned that no matter how much you hide it, how big of walls you put up, or how much you don't want to admit to your insecurities, shortcomings, or failures...they are there....with you constantly.  And there are people who can see beyond the mask and all those things and they are truly teachers on this journey we call life!

Learning and growing....

Just doing a little bit of extra thinking today.  Not necessarily a bad thing but normally for me, it is.  I chalk that right up there with worrying.  And then I wonder why my head hurts some days!  LOL!  I'm finding out that I'm really not that much different than others.  I know, you can't compare yourself with others but I'm always listening to other people, mostly women, and they do some of the same things as me...which is kind of sad!

I deal with all the goodies:  self esteem, self worth, self confidence.  And I have had this discussion with a friend of mine and she mentioned that we put on and take off our "jacket" numerous times.  I am so guilty of that.  I get almost a little bit too comfortable (cocky like) with that jacket on.  I take that damn thing off and then that's when the over thinking/worry comes into the picture.  I can tell you a few times where that jacket was on and I was unstoppable.  Not a bad thing to feel...as if you could take on the world all by yourself!  But then you throw some doubt in there when the jacket is off and BAM, that jacket needs to be put back on.

I'm working on trying to keep that "jacket" on at all times.  There is nothing wrong with being a little bit unstoppable.  It's better than the alternative.  The other things are just so negative.  And when you doubt yourself all you are doing is hurting yourself and others.  And anyone who knows me knows that I would rather skewer my eyeballs out with pitchforks than to hurt other's feelings or my own feelings.

I think my problem with those bad things came about when I was growing up.  I was brought up to not be boastful, to not act cocky, to blend in and not stand out.  Pretty much, sit in the corner and behave!  Not saying it was a bad thing to be brought up with respect and etc. but it made me question myself on just about everything.  I still have difficulties standing up for myself and having my voice heard.

I just hope that I have did good by my kids.  I try to let them be heard, be it bad or good.  They talk to me, they stand up for themselves, and they let their feelings be known.  They seem to have their jackets on and they don't take them off.  I never wanted them to have issues with self esteem or self confidence or self worth but I know that I can't protect them from everything.  And the main thing is...I've let them see that their Mom continually tries to work on all those things that need to be worked on.  I've shown them what it's like to human.

Continuing to learn and grow.....

A silent strength...

It's funny how when you go through something it feels as if you are moving in slow motion and what feels like a struggle really isn't.  My life changed drastically 3+ years ago.  I never envisioned myself going through a few life changes all at once or so it felt that way.

I had lost a whole bunch of weight and was slowly over time changing but yet, I was still there.  As confusing as that sounds, I was going back to me.  I had lost me and I thought I was finding myself by losing the weight when in fact, it was really the journey where I was finding me and not "hiding" under the many layers of my weight. 

I really haven't given myself credit enough for making it this far without losing it mentally.  And I'm sure that there are a few people who know me well enough to say, "Monica, you were already mental"!  LOL!  It really is life changing when you lose a big amount of weight, you go from being a stay at home mom to working, you go from being married 21 years, never being on your own, to suddenly being on your own.  You go from putting everyone else's needs first and then struggle with the idea to put yourself first for once. 

But I also have had so many teachers along the way that have either helped me, supported me or taught me a few life lessons that I had to go through to appreciate the good and real, in some people.  I look at everything that a person goes through as a lesson.  Some of those things that you go through teach you way more than you want or way more than you need but it's something that happens.  You either learn from it and it changes you or get real bitter about it.  And as much as I hate to admit, I can hang on some shit for a really long time.

Those first few months on my own was a real eye opener.  I did more crying than I think I had ever did before (which if anyone knows me real well would be like laughing at that comment).  Not all of the tears were sad.  I was overwhelmed with everything.  I was learning how to do things that I never did before.  Even though I was 42 years old at the time, I had to grow up real fast.

I used to think being strong was not crying.  I used to think that it was a major imperfection of mine...almost a curse, of sorts.  I have found out that strength is waking up every day and putting your big girl panties on and doing what you need to do.  It's not letting the world break you.  Strong is being you in a world that is always trying to change you.  And the most important sign of strength to me is admitting your faults and trying to learn and grow from them.

I knew a long time ago that I was different from everyone else.  And as I keep on growing and learning from all of life's lessons, I see that I need to celebrate and be proud of the woman that I am becoming...

Giving control of your feelings and thoughts away...

I have spent the better part of my life letting others determine what to feel, how to feel, what to think, you name it.  And I don't know if I'm just slow in "getting it" or I just need a proverbial "smack" in the face or what.  I had a wonderful conversation yesterday and I walked away with a little bit more help in that department.

I don't know if it was how I was brought up or a learned habit.  All I know, is that it sucks!  To give people control over your life, your mind and everything else is probably the worse thing that you can do.  I need to retrain my brain and it has been rather difficult.  I think that has a lot to do with being stubborn.  To admit to this fault is somewhat of an embarrassment.  It shows people your imperfection and then you risk to be taking advantage even more.

I have always prided myself on trying to be strong but I'm not.  I'm nowhere near being the strong, confident woman that I need to be.  I have imperfections and yes, I'm human and I need to learn to love my imperfections but some are really toxic and should not be celebrated or worn like a badge.  To rid one of these toxic imperfections is a task that is very daunting.

I have learned through this process is that you can feel what you want and you can say what you want and do what you want with your life.  You shouldn't feel guilty about it.  And you should try to be empathetic to others and their inner battles.  They are allowed to their feelings, their opinions and their choices.

I know as a parent, that I have had to step back and let my kids make their mistakes (just like my parents did with me) and I have learned to accept what they think or feel and not try to change it.  I try my best to let them have their feelings and respect them (even if I disagree with them or they hurt me).  We all have had to go through many things in life and you can either just let it happen or learn from it or let it happen and define you.  I would rather learn from it.  I am so guilty of letting it define me, to take over my thoughts and feelings.

I have been blessed to have two amazing children who have been given that freedom.  They are well adjusted and seem to be able to navigate through the potholes in life.  I'm proud that I have had a part in showing them how to do that even if I have had trouble with that in the past.

What a wonderful mantra to live by and this is something that I wish that I could have learned a long time ago.  Just another thing that I'm blessed to be learning in this beautiful journey I call life!

Just a little bit of insight...step inside my soul!

I've been thinking about this a lot lately and figured I needed to write about it.  I have heard this more than once and it bothers me....bothers me enough to vent about it.  I have heard that if I loved myself then I could accept the whole goal thing with my weight.  Nobody really knows what goes on in my head 100% of the time.  And to be honest with you, I really don't want to have that...it's my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions...my journey.

I do love myself!  I must love myself enough to have started this journey 5+ years ago.  I didn't want to not be around for my kids.  And right now, as I sit here around 39 lbs on my butt, it is really getting to me.  I look at pictures from a long time ago, when I was super duper heavy and then I look at ones where I was 2 lbs away from goal and the whole transformation of me, as a whole.  I'm proud of what I have accomplished so far but I'm still not done.

I have mentioned it before and I swear I'm like the teacher in the Peanuts cartoon, Miss Offmeyer, where I'm talking and no ones hears a word I say.  It's okay cause I don't expect people to get in my head.  There is a handful of people who get it but then there is so many others that mean well but just don't get it.  To have an extra 39 lbs on my small stature is not a healthy thing.  There is more aches and pain, digestive issues, breathing and sleep issues cause of it. 

And yes, I know that I shouldn't worry about gaining everything back that I have lost so far.  I don't think that I could let that happen.  I am a different person now than I was 5+ years ago.  I have been through more in these past years than I thought could be possible to experience.  I went from being a married woman to a divorced woman.  I went from being a stay at home mom to a working mom.  I went from being an unhealthy woman not just body wise but also inside of me to getting the inside of me healthy.

I gained a little bit of insight when I was close to goal.  I did see how obsessed I was.  I was running, I was biking and I was walking.  But I also was not eating as much as I should have and I found myself on the verge of eating issues.  I would put something sweet in my mouth, chew it, enjoy the taste of it and then spit it out.  I knew right then and there that shit had to stop. 

I think that was my "Come to Jesus moment"!   It pretty much was when I really knew that I loved me enough to not let me go down that path.  And without getting too personal, it was just another moment that stood out for me as an awakening of sorts.  I had that same awakening when I started this journey of mine 5+ years ago. 

Yes, I'm a little critical of myself and yes, I'm a little insecure with my body and my looks but really, isn't most women like that?  I know that I'm not the only one and that does not mean that I don't love myself cause I do!  

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm learning a lot in this journey of mine.  And the major one that stands out is for me and that I'm trying to get better at practicing is that I don't need to apologize for how I feel or be ashamed by it.  I'm me and I'm pretty damned unique!  And I can feel whatever emotion I want.