Just a little bit of insight...step inside my soul!

I've been thinking about this a lot lately and figured I needed to write about it.  I have heard this more than once and it bothers me....bothers me enough to vent about it.  I have heard that if I loved myself then I could accept the whole goal thing with my weight.  Nobody really knows what goes on in my head 100% of the time.  And to be honest with you, I really don't want to have that...it's my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions...my journey.

I do love myself!  I must love myself enough to have started this journey 5+ years ago.  I didn't want to not be around for my kids.  And right now, as I sit here around 39 lbs on my butt, it is really getting to me.  I look at pictures from a long time ago, when I was super duper heavy and then I look at ones where I was 2 lbs away from goal and the whole transformation of me, as a whole.  I'm proud of what I have accomplished so far but I'm still not done.

I have mentioned it before and I swear I'm like the teacher in the Peanuts cartoon, Miss Offmeyer, where I'm talking and no ones hears a word I say.  It's okay cause I don't expect people to get in my head.  There is a handful of people who get it but then there is so many others that mean well but just don't get it.  To have an extra 39 lbs on my small stature is not a healthy thing.  There is more aches and pain, digestive issues, breathing and sleep issues cause of it. 

And yes, I know that I shouldn't worry about gaining everything back that I have lost so far.  I don't think that I could let that happen.  I am a different person now than I was 5+ years ago.  I have been through more in these past years than I thought could be possible to experience.  I went from being a married woman to a divorced woman.  I went from being a stay at home mom to a working mom.  I went from being an unhealthy woman not just body wise but also inside of me to getting the inside of me healthy.

I gained a little bit of insight when I was close to goal.  I did see how obsessed I was.  I was running, I was biking and I was walking.  But I also was not eating as much as I should have and I found myself on the verge of eating issues.  I would put something sweet in my mouth, chew it, enjoy the taste of it and then spit it out.  I knew right then and there that shit had to stop. 

I think that was my "Come to Jesus moment"!   It pretty much was when I really knew that I loved me enough to not let me go down that path.  And without getting too personal, it was just another moment that stood out for me as an awakening of sorts.  I had that same awakening when I started this journey of mine 5+ years ago. 

Yes, I'm a little critical of myself and yes, I'm a little insecure with my body and my looks but really, isn't most women like that?  I know that I'm not the only one and that does not mean that I don't love myself cause I do!  

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm learning a lot in this journey of mine.  And the major one that stands out is for me and that I'm trying to get better at practicing is that I don't need to apologize for how I feel or be ashamed by it.  I'm me and I'm pretty damned unique!  And I can feel whatever emotion I want.