An unattainable bar

I had a day yesterday that pushed me to my physical and emotional limits.  And I probably could add mentally to that too!  I struggle with stuff like that.  I push and push till I can't go any further and in the process, I get forgotten...by me!  Maybe it's to teach me a lesson?  To learn how to balance everything in my life or to just help me learn to put my "bar" to an attainable level.  I have been told that I do that...that I set it a little high.

I struggle with this.  I wonder when in my life did I ever begin to set a bar for myself?  My breaking point today was a simple thing that was in my work mailbox.  I cried like a big baby when I read them!  It was 3 certificates for training for work that I had around 6 weeks ago.  You would have thought I just got my doctorate.  I wasn't the only one that got them but in my little world, I just attained something that added to my self worth.

Self worth, self esteem, self confidence...I see a pattern here that I have had trouble with my whole life dealing with and it's because of that bar.  An imaginary bar that I somewhere down the line put in my head.  It's a nice thing to have goals and/or strive for something but to set yourself up for failure? Not a good thing.  And it's truly a wonderful thing the ability to see in yourself a flaw that can be fixed.

My life completely changed almost 3 years ago.  It actually started changing back when I started my weight loss journey 5+ years ago.  I started to find myself again.  For so many years, I was buried under my weight.  And as the weight was shed, I was going through so many changes physically, mentally and emotionally.  I had so many people tell me that I had changed and I fought them...tooth and nail.  Somehow, in all this process, I started on an even more self discovery than I thought I could go on.  I am slowly and I mean super slowly seeing what makes me tick, what are my accomplishments and what are my flaws.  My good, my bad and my ugly!

Today, I took the time to be "me".  To not have any bar set!  To have no expectations set for myself!  To just breathe!