Needing a little bit of "Therapeutic" writing...

Realized it had been awhile since I blogged.  Funny how that works!  I'm feeling the need to do some therapeutic writing and I got to looking and seen that it has been almost a month since my last writing.  I am big believer in signs and this one kind of smacked me on the head!  My own "I should've had a V8 moment"!  LMAO!

It's weigh-in week.  I have been having a tough couple of weeks and I just want to get Thursday over with and start fresh!  I know it's going to be bad.  I am not being negative...I'm being REALISTIC!  I have been having a tough time lately.  Well, it is time for Monica to roll up the sleeves and get back to the task at hand!  I haven't been running as far lately and I feel it.  It's truly my sanity saver and I feel it in my head and in my soul.  It "evens" me out and most runners or people who work out know what I mean.

I used to over-react to a lot of things.  Don't know if it's because of all the changes that I have been through that have changed that or getting older.  I still over-think things, I still can be a little neurotic, I still do things without thinking them through (flying by the seat of my pants isn't all that bad -- LOL) but at least, I don't feel like Mommie Dearest or that I am in the Exorcist with my head spinning around! 

Since I started running 2 1/2 years ago, it has helped me tremendously.  I have noticed that this past week.  I have had to change my time of running to later (which I am trying my best to like it but I am such a stickler about it) and also had to "table" it  for a few days cause of training for work.  I have given myself a little break for the moment and have tried not to beat myself about it.  The world won't end and I will be able to get back into the "grind" as soon as I can.  

It is a stress release for me and it's also "Me" time.  I need those moments.  I love the feeling it gives me.  It gives me this feeling of  empowerment, the feeling of accomplishment and the best of all feeling...JOY!  I have been jonesin for a long run lately and I just haven't had the time for it.  I think about it every time I am out there pounding the pavement.  Usually when I do a long run, it's not something I plan on doing.  I just "wing" it.  I listen to my body and my head and my heart...on a good day, they are all on the same page with each other!  LOL!

I'm sure people think I'm obsessed with running!  It really doesn't matter to me what they think but I feel like I have to explain myself and I really shouldn't have to!  It's evident when I get a good run in or even just a "plain jane" run in.  I feel better about things.  I feel like it oozes out my pores and people can see it.  If I am in a funky mood, it's because I didn't get the above mentioned feelings.  It energizes me...like my own little battery charging station.  

I'm hoping that after tomorrow's training for work that I can get back to my running schedule.  It has to happen this week of all weeks.  I will be a "hot mess" other wise.  Weigh-in week is always hard on me mentally and I don't have it in me at the moment so I need this to happen.  I know it sounds like I am hard on myself...I guess I am but I've had to be.  You don't get to where I am right now without a little bit of pushing yourself mentally, emotionally and physically.  It's really something that has become a habit now for me.  

I'm also a big believer in feeling things...experiencing things...dealing with things.  This weight loss journey has showed me that.  I got myself to that point that I needed to deal with the fact that no one made me heavy except for me.  I put the fork, spoon, knife, shovel to my mouth.  There was no gun to my head.  I have had to deal with this, learn from it and I am still learning from it.  It will be a "forever" thing.  I'm dealing with it now  and it hasn't killed me yet...

“The purpose of learning is growth, and our minds, unlike our bodies, can continue growing as long as we live.”

~~Mortimer Adler

Have a little faith, Monica

Funny how my last post was about negativity and getting rid of some of it.  I had the worse weigh-in that I've experienced during this weight loss journey of mine and yet, I lived through it.  Not going to lie, I got heavily teary-eyed but I didn't bawl my head off!  I'm thinking the reason I didn't react to it as bad is 'cause I unloaded here first!  I also am not sure if it's 'cause I am learning to accept it or I'm just starting to get that "peace" about it that I so crave.  I know one thing...I think the changes that I have went through to get to this point in my life are helping with it.  A "healing" of sorts!

I'm still trying to "grow" into this new me.  I like her better!  LOL!  I still have my moments but I seem to handle things a little differently now.  I cry a little more, but that could be "hormonal" or it could just be I'm overwhelmed with all the changes that I've went through.  I've told myself that I needed to be open to whatever I needed to go through to get to where I'm going.  Things that could've been avoided growing up, things that I should've stood my ground on, things that I would've stood up for...the list of woulda, coulda, shoulda's could be a mile long but I'm choosing not to beat myself up about it either.

I think people get to a certain age in their lives that they want to better themselves emotionally, physically, mentally...you name it.  I wonder why a person can't experience that just a little sooner in their life but I guess with that comes the wisdom and being ready for it.  When you are younger, you just aren't ready for things like that.  I see that right now in young people and how they feel about themselves and how they react and look at things.  I look back to that time in my life and I see they are just acting the same way as I did.  I guess when you are young, you think you are invincible.

I know it seems like I have a lot "deep thoughts" that I put down in this blog.  It's really a good way to get them out of my head!  I tend to be an over-thinker, over-analyzer, neurotic...whatever you want to call it!   I'm thinking for as much unloading I do on here, that I would be at goal weight.  At least 10 lbs. of thoughts get unloaded each time when I write.  Heck, if that was the case, I would be skin and bones right now!  LOL!

Learning to love yourself takes time.  And I have often wondered why it has taken me so long to get to goal and I'm thinking these two things are going hand in hand right now.  I want that goal thing to happen probably more so than most people but I have to get realistic about it too!  I know I will make it happen...I have that much confidence and determination but when?  Who knows?  I wish that I knew but it goes back to the control issue.  I have to step back and let things happen how they are supposed to happen.  Have some faith, Monica!  It's as simple as that!

"Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see."                                                                          ~~William Newton Clark  

Trying to get rid of a little bit of negativity...

I wish I could put down the right words how I feel every month before weigh-in (a couple days before).  It's hard to describe the emotions I feel.  I try my hardest to not let it consume me, I try my hardest to not beat myself up, I try my hardest to not even think about it...but it's still there...eating away at me...no pun intended.  I would love to know if anyone, who has lost weight and had it take as long as it has with me, has felt this way.

I am sitting here 2 days before weigh-in feeling rather negative.  I try to be as positive as possible but I do have my down days and this blog is an outlet for me to get that out of my system.  I had such an awesome loss at the beginning of the month and I have weigh-in already happening again this Thursday morning.  I've already mentally told myself that I will not reach goal and if I did, I would be a monkey's uncle.  On my run this morning, when I do my best thinking, all I could think about is that I hope I stay the same or at least lose just a little...no gain!  It's such a roller coaster ride...the up and down gain, loss, gain pattern.  I have tweaked it, changed it up, ate less, ate more...did everything that everyone has said.  But what happens is already predetermined.

Please don't get me wrong...I am extremely proud of what I have done.  I don't want anyone to think I am being ungrateful.  It's just so hard on me!  And most people would say you should just be done, that it is just a number and who defines what is a normal number.  I feel it when my shirts are tight or my jeans feel snug.  I know when I am retaining fluid.  I am getting good at listening to my body.  I just wish that I didn't sound like one big mental case to some people.  Not that I care but it helps me to talk it over, to vent about it, to put it out there.

I feel alone in this journey and that is something hard to explain to people especially since I do have a lot of support behind me.  It's just that nobody is there the morning I go into the Doctor's office.  Nobody is stepping on that scale for me and nobody knows how good I feel or how bad I feel when the number comes up.  I walk in there alone and I walk out alone.  But that was my choice.  I didn't want to be involved in any sort of a "group".  I needed to do this myself.  I got myself into this weight predicament and I had to get myself out of it!

I have to come to peace about it and that is really hard for a person like me.  I over think, I question every thing, I beat it half to death before I "give up" and then I really don't give up.  Make sense?  Probably not to some!  I want to relax about it but in my head, if I relax, then pretty soon 5 more lbs. gets put on and then another 5 and then I've worked my tail off just to have to work even harder at it again to get it off!  I am enjoying myself a little more than I was at the beginning of this journey.  I have given myself a little room to have fun but I also haven't took my eyes of that prize.  It gets close enough to see and then something comes up, like a smack on the forehead, that lets me know it isn't time yet for me to be at goal!  I have to remember that...that I can control only so much!

“The closest to being in control we will ever be is in that moment that we realize we're not.”

~~Brian Kessler

Clarity, Balance and Boobs...OH MY!! LOL!!

I was inspired to write Sunday but I had so many thoughts running through my head that it wouldn't have did me any good to write at that moment.  I have had the chance to process everything and so I thought it was best to get writing while I still had it in my head.

My running is really changed things.  At first, it was to "help" myself  lose weight.  The running now is more of a therapeutic thing.  I do so much thinking when I am outside running.  It gives me clarity and it gives me balance and it helps calm me down.  I love the feeling of the breeze blowing through my hair and I love hearing the sounds of nature.  Those are things that I would be missing if I was still using the treadmill.  I started out running on the treadmill for a couple different reasons.  The main being that I was not comfortable with having anyone see me exercise.  That is what kept me from running outside for the longest time.

It goes back to when I was in Cross Country in High School.  I've always had bigger boobs even back then.  I found out that some of the boys were making fun of me.  I would just take it 'cause I was young and I was trying to fit in.  One of the guys I would run with would sing the "jello song" to me.  That was okay with me 'cause he wasn't sneaky about it .  I was aware of it and he wasn't meaning it in a bad way.  That was why I was just so afraid to run outside for fear people would look at me.  And even more so back then when I was heavier and started out running.  So, I stayed inside and I ran early in the morning before anyone was awake so that way I wouldn't even be seen in my own home.  I know, it's sad that I felt that way but when you go through something like that...it is forever etched on your soul.

I'm so happy that I got passed that.  Now, I just go out there and run.  I don't care what I look like.  No makeup on, who cares?  Just got out of bed hair...who cares?  Boobs too big for being a runner...who cares?  Excess skin on my thighs jiggling...who cares?  I run out there proud.  Proud that I can run, proud that I have the stamina to run long distances, proud that I have lost a ton of weight, basically proud of who I am now!

So much so, that I decided to do another race and not just any other race but a 1/2 marathon.  It was Sunday morning and I hadn't really planned on doing it.  I signed up for it on last Monday.  I'm thinking that was a good thing cause I didn't have a lot of time to stress about it.  It's amazing how "peaceful" I felt about it or so I thought!  As I drove there, I put in 3 different discs to listen to, to get me fired up and in the right frame of mind.  I walked into the Lansing Center and immediately looked for the Women's bathroom.   I needed to make sure to get that out of the way in case, there was a long wait.

As I was walking throughout the place, killing time, things started getting to me.  As much as I am proud of what I have done, I still have to deal with my own body image that I have in my head.  I was seeing a lot of women with perfect runner's bodies.  I was thinking to myself, "Who do I think I am out there running with my not so perfect body?"  I was having a hard time fighting back the tears.  I just let them flow! I knew it was going to be emotional for me being that this was my first 1/2 marathon but I thought that I would be experiencing the tears at the end of the race.  I guess I was a little backwards this time!  LOL!  I don't think my body image in my head was the reason I was brought to tears but it did have a little bit to do with it.  I think the reason I was brought to tears is that I was truly scared, once again, that I couldn't do it.


It got to be about time to line up for the start of the race.  I went out there and picked the 11:00 minute pace people to be near.  Nowheres near the pace I normally run, but I needed to be further back this time.  The congestion at the beginning of a race is one of things that I was never forewarned about.  It can be very overwhelming, to say the least.  We started out and I progressively moved forward.  I got up to the pace that I was shooting for.  I was comfortable and that was the main thing.  I wasn't setting out to win the race.  I wasn't setting out to beat my pace time from when I ran the 10 miler.  I had two goals in mind.  To run the entire time and to finish the race.

Every mile mark that I would pass, I would acknowledge it with my "yeah baby" move.  I wanted to enjoy this race even more than the 10 mile race.  I wanted it to be special and feel special and it was.  I was having the time of my life.  It's an awesome experience to be surrounded by people who share a common bond with you.  And yet, everyone's story is different as to why they were there.

I was much more comfortable with this race...with my thoughts, with myself and with how I felt.  I felt love and support all the way through the 13.1 miles.  It amazing how different a person can feel 6 weeks later.  I firmly believe that in that short amount of time that I grew even stronger as a person, if that is even possible.

I crossed the finish line and heard my name announced and thought to myself..."Holy Shit, you did it Monica!"  And all I could think about at that moment was "When can I do this again?"  Yup, I'm hooked...

“Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment.”~~

Thomas Carlyle

Fear and Faith

I felt the need to write today so here goes and I will apologize in advance for it 'cause it might get a little emotional.  Today was my weigh-in day.  I started out the day as usual with me rising at 6:00 and getting dressed and doing my stretches.  It was a shorter run today so I was looking forward to that.  I like the long distance runs but it is a nice balance to have 2 days a week where I don't have to push myself mentally.  I have to have the right mindset on the days where I go longer.  Anyhow, I knew I had to weigh-in this morning so I wanted to git r done, so to speak!

I spent the better half of the run just thinking and hoping that I was going to be able to handle whatever that scale said.  Things have been fitting a little looser but I was not going to get my hopes up.  I know how that works...I get my hopes up and then I fall hard.  So, I just ran this morning and told myself that I had to have the attitude that I would go in there, get weighed and continue to trudge on...no matter what the scales said.  I tend to do my best thinking when I am out there every morning.  Somedays, I am so into the "zone" that it is almost scary.  Other days, it's like I have ADD and can't seem to get it together.  I prefer the "zone" feeling.  That is the feeling that helps me mentally!

I finished up with my weight bench workout after I got home from the run.  I hit the shower and then got myself looking all pretty for my visit to the doc's office.  I got there and didn't even have to sit and wait.  Sometimes I have to wait till someone can do the scales for me if they are dealing with patients.  And that makes me even more nervous when that happens!  LOL!  I just show up once a month, no appt. and have the nurse or another employee get it ready and then I hop on it and that's it.  No doctor to see and it's just me keeping track of it.  They have been wonderful at letting me do this for 2 and 1/2 years now.  So, I just sit there and be patient with them 'cause they really are doing me a favor!

I told her the amount that it was last month and then I looked at the scales and then proceeded to tell the scales to "be nice to me."  LOL!  Got on there and couldn't believe my eyes.  I jumped off and then I jumped up and down and then swore and then got back on the scales again just to make sure!  How in the world had I lost 7.6 lbs?  I hadn't had a good loss like that in a long time.  I was moved to the point I had to choke back the tears.  I got just a little teary-eyed.  Walked out of the building and I was like Holy Shit (pardon my language)!

I came home and posted a pic and the amount lost on facebook like I do every month.  Immediately, my friends were liking my pic and my status and commenting too!  It's amazing the support that I get from my friends on there.  Amazing but also overwhelming, to say the least!  Some days, I feel like I just threw it at everyone to be my own little support group, without asking if anyone wanted to do that.  But they have never failed me!  I post the ups and downs of it all and I post to this blog how I feel and people accept it.  I'm sure not everyone reads my status updates or this blog but that is okay too!

The only bad thing is with a loss like this...is that I am literally on a "high" all day and then it comes down.  And it comes down hard.  I start thinking to myself what did I do to get that amount of loss this time.  What haven't I been doing?  Then I start thinking of how close goal is again and how I bad that I want to be there.  I can see it, taste it and almost touch it.  But the realistic part of me knows that it's best for Monica to keep her wits about her right now!

I sat down in my chair tonight after supper and just literally stared at a side by side picture that my friend posted on my wall on facebook.  She has did this for me before and I appreciate it more than she knows.  But it hits me every time.  I see what no one else sees and I feel what no one else feels and I just wanted to bawl my head off and I still do!  If I could put it into words, the first word that comes to mind is "stranger."  It probably seems crazy to some people but that is how I feel.  I want that feeling to go away.  I want to be at peace with seeing pics of myself bigger.  It was me!  I have to let myself be at peace with it but I think deep down I am not letting myself go there 'cause I figure if I accept it then I will go back to it!  And that fear is something that eats at me and I have to get control of it so it doesn't control me!

I am learning so much about myself during this journey.  I wonder if the changes that I have experienced are supposed to be happening.  Like a part of a bigger picture that I have yet to see?  It's all about faith and I just need to grasp that!


"Fear ends where faith begins."~~Author unknown

Accomplishing a goal

It's really funny how much I let things get to me.  I want to shrug stuff off!  It's hard to change things that you have did for so damn long and I'm willing to change but sometimes being willing to change and actually doing it, are two different things.  I am working really hard to change that about me but I also realize that I am still human.

I can't believe how much I let get to me the Mint City 10 mile race that I signed up for.  The day before the race, I probably peed at least 40 times.  I had to call a friend just to have a smack upside my head to "center" me back to reality.  There is really no words to describe how I felt that morning of the race.  I was scared, excited, humbled, you name it.  It was wonderful to see all shapes and sizes of people there.  We all had one thing in common:  to do the race and finish it.  Some were walkers, some were runners and some were both.  My personal goal was to run it, not stop at all and finish it.  I knew I could do it but I am so used to running by myself and knew it would be different with other people around me.

It was rather humid that morning.  I was just happy that it wasn't rainy.  I got there around 15-20 minutes before.  Seen a couple people I knew and got a couple "Good Lucks".  I did my stretching and then of course, looked up to heaven before the race started and said one last plea to God...please let me do this!  And then we started off.  It was almost claustrophobic feeling at first.  I don't like trying to start my run with wall to wall people. Thank God, that didn't last long.

As usual, I had a lot of time to think and pray during that time.  I wanted to treat this race as if I was just out running like I do every morning.  I tried to zone out what other people were doing and act like I was the only one out there.  For the most part, I did do that.  I caught myself finding people to run "against."  I didn't want to do that, it just happened.  I think that is a normal thing to do...to feel a bit competitive when you are put in that environment.

Every mile marker that I hit, I did my little "Yeah baby" move!  I'm sure other people thought I was nuts but I didn't care.  I was going to enjoy that race to the fullest.  I got to the halfway point and seen the big "time" board and it showed me that I was right on the mark for what I normally run 10 miles in.  I even found someone to talk to for just a few minutes, which is not something easily done when running.  I noticed for the most part, the people that ran near me finished near me.

I didn't have any trouble until around mile mark 8 and it wasn't anything bad, I just had side pains.  But since I'm used to ignoring pain, I ran through it.  I had to laugh...there was a person on the side of the road and said to me, "Everything is downhill from here, you can do it" and I replied back, "Um, Morton St. hill goes uphill."  Not that I was going to worry about that...I ran that hill 5 days a week.  I wasn't about ready to have that hill conquer me!  At that point, there was the end in sight.

I was pushing myself to the brink and I knew it, but I also knew I was almost done.  The only thing I could think about is how I was going to feel when I crossed that finish line.  I envisioned it would be just me running normal and no hoopla.  But I could hear the cheers of the other runners finishing and knew by the then it would be different.  There was maybe a couple of  people there that knew what I was about to accomplish but for the most part, it was just a personal moment for me and no one else.

I got near the end and there was this lady that had been going back and forth with me.  She was "the one".  The one that I picked to beat. It sounds bad of me but I needed to do that.  She was just entering the finish area and so was I.  I saw a friend of mine/fellow runner and he said "Sprint Monica" and so I did!  I sprinted across that line with as much of a smile on my face that I could muster being that I almost felt like I was dying!    At that point there were no thoughts/feelings other than "Please God, don't let me puke."

I was gagging at that point but got that to stop.  I walked over to the food area and grab a 1/2 banana and a water and went and layed down on the ground.  I put the towel over my face and the tears started flowing,  No one knew I was crying.  It's hard to explain into words how I felt at that moment.  I did something that I haven't did in over 27 years.  I ran a race and not just any race that I was used to from Cross Country in High School.  I ran 10 miles.  If you would've told me two and half years ago that I could run that far, I would've laughed.  No way would a 258 lb. woman be able to run 10 miles, just no way that could happen.

I finished that race in 1 hr.35 minutes and 49.6 seconds.  I placed 8 out of 15 ladies in my age group. I finished 130th overall out of 219 people, I think!  My pace was 9:35 a mile.  I was happy with how well I did.  But even more than that, I was happy that I ACCOMPLISHED A GOAL THAT I SET OUT TO DO!  I have been trying to get to goal weight for over 2 1/2 years and that is still very important to me but the one thing this race showed me is that I CAN AND WILL DO JUST THAT!

"One part at a time, one day at a time, we can accomplish any goal we set for ourselves."
Karen Casey, from Achievement of a Life Goal

Letting fear get to me!

It's been a little while since I blogged...I'm apologizing right now for it!  I know that I said I would be better at it but I just haven't had it in me.  You know the old saying...the road to hell is paved with good intentions?  I say this a lot, but I have a 6 lane expressway heading there with no cops in sight and no speed limits posted!  LOL!  What I need to do is jot things down that come to me and then come back to it when I get the time to write.  Somehow, when I am inspired to write, I lose the thought that I had or I start second guessing myself.  Going to try to be better about it...I have to be...it is my outlet!  With that being said, here goes...

I'm sitting here trying not to let things get to me but they do!  As hard as I try, those damn demons just won't let me be.  Going to apologize ahead of time for this possibly being a little negative.  I try not to be and the days that this does happen are getting fewer and fewer in between.  And to that, I'm thankful.  I remember when I first started off on this journey of mine...I cried a lot, worried a lot and stressed a lot!  It's been better for me to not sweat the small stuff as much.  But just every once in awhile, something sets me off.

I'm running in the Mint City 10 mile race this coming Saturday and it scares me to death that I am doing this.  I know it doesn't make any sense to anyone.  I have been running now for 28 months.  I run 5 days a week.  I have did as much as 13.23 miles outside so I know that I have the stamina and endurance to get this done.  It just comes down to this...I'm scared that I have committed myself to this.  I have to show up now and I have to follow it through or I would look like a failure!

The similarity between this race and my weight loss journey is uncanny.  I am running this race alone.  I'm doing this weight loss on my own.  Nobody can run this race for me.  Nobody can lose the weight for me.  Nobody will be disappointed more than me, if I don't run this race.  Nobody will be disappointed more than me, if I give up on my weight loss goal because it is taking so long to get there.  So, I think it is appropriate for me to be alone during this race.  Granted there will be other runners so technically I am not alone in this but I just need it to be this way.

Don't get me wrong...I am looking forward to doing this race.  It's a goal that I will be able to accomplish.  It's something that I've needed to do.  It's out of my comfort zone.  I'm trying to hard to be a lot more open to things.  I am 42 years old and I really don't want life to pass me by without doing some things that I want to do but am scared to do!  That is why I love the Bucket List movie.  I don't think you should have to be dying in order to have a list like that.

I think it is good for people to come out of their comfort zones once in awhile.  It helps you to grow as a person.  That is what I am hoping for after this race.  To not be so predictable, to run and not think about how many miles or whether I'm doing it fast enough.  I just want to get out there and enjoy it.  To savor in the free therapy it gives me, to have my "alone" time with just me, my thoughts and God!  It's my outlet, along with the writing.  It didn't used to feel this way.  I looked at it as exercise and now I look at it as something that needs to be done for me to become a better Monica!

"If you're never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take any chances."~~Anonymous