Giving control of your feelings and thoughts away...

I have spent the better part of my life letting others determine what to feel, how to feel, what to think, you name it.  And I don't know if I'm just slow in "getting it" or I just need a proverbial "smack" in the face or what.  I had a wonderful conversation yesterday and I walked away with a little bit more help in that department.

I don't know if it was how I was brought up or a learned habit.  All I know, is that it sucks!  To give people control over your life, your mind and everything else is probably the worse thing that you can do.  I need to retrain my brain and it has been rather difficult.  I think that has a lot to do with being stubborn.  To admit to this fault is somewhat of an embarrassment.  It shows people your imperfection and then you risk to be taking advantage even more.

I have always prided myself on trying to be strong but I'm not.  I'm nowhere near being the strong, confident woman that I need to be.  I have imperfections and yes, I'm human and I need to learn to love my imperfections but some are really toxic and should not be celebrated or worn like a badge.  To rid one of these toxic imperfections is a task that is very daunting.

I have learned through this process is that you can feel what you want and you can say what you want and do what you want with your life.  You shouldn't feel guilty about it.  And you should try to be empathetic to others and their inner battles.  They are allowed to their feelings, their opinions and their choices.

I know as a parent, that I have had to step back and let my kids make their mistakes (just like my parents did with me) and I have learned to accept what they think or feel and not try to change it.  I try my best to let them have their feelings and respect them (even if I disagree with them or they hurt me).  We all have had to go through many things in life and you can either just let it happen or learn from it or let it happen and define you.  I would rather learn from it.  I am so guilty of letting it define me, to take over my thoughts and feelings.

I have been blessed to have two amazing children who have been given that freedom.  They are well adjusted and seem to be able to navigate through the potholes in life.  I'm proud that I have had a part in showing them how to do that even if I have had trouble with that in the past.

What a wonderful mantra to live by and this is something that I wish that I could have learned a long time ago.  Just another thing that I'm blessed to be learning in this beautiful journey I call life!

Just a little bit of insight...step inside my soul!

I've been thinking about this a lot lately and figured I needed to write about it.  I have heard this more than once and it bothers me....bothers me enough to vent about it.  I have heard that if I loved myself then I could accept the whole goal thing with my weight.  Nobody really knows what goes on in my head 100% of the time.  And to be honest with you, I really don't want to have that...it's my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions...my journey.

I do love myself!  I must love myself enough to have started this journey 5+ years ago.  I didn't want to not be around for my kids.  And right now, as I sit here around 39 lbs on my butt, it is really getting to me.  I look at pictures from a long time ago, when I was super duper heavy and then I look at ones where I was 2 lbs away from goal and the whole transformation of me, as a whole.  I'm proud of what I have accomplished so far but I'm still not done.

I have mentioned it before and I swear I'm like the teacher in the Peanuts cartoon, Miss Offmeyer, where I'm talking and no ones hears a word I say.  It's okay cause I don't expect people to get in my head.  There is a handful of people who get it but then there is so many others that mean well but just don't get it.  To have an extra 39 lbs on my small stature is not a healthy thing.  There is more aches and pain, digestive issues, breathing and sleep issues cause of it. 

And yes, I know that I shouldn't worry about gaining everything back that I have lost so far.  I don't think that I could let that happen.  I am a different person now than I was 5+ years ago.  I have been through more in these past years than I thought could be possible to experience.  I went from being a married woman to a divorced woman.  I went from being a stay at home mom to a working mom.  I went from being an unhealthy woman not just body wise but also inside of me to getting the inside of me healthy.

I gained a little bit of insight when I was close to goal.  I did see how obsessed I was.  I was running, I was biking and I was walking.  But I also was not eating as much as I should have and I found myself on the verge of eating issues.  I would put something sweet in my mouth, chew it, enjoy the taste of it and then spit it out.  I knew right then and there that shit had to stop. 

I think that was my "Come to Jesus moment"!   It pretty much was when I really knew that I loved me enough to not let me go down that path.  And without getting too personal, it was just another moment that stood out for me as an awakening of sorts.  I had that same awakening when I started this journey of mine 5+ years ago. 

Yes, I'm a little critical of myself and yes, I'm a little insecure with my body and my looks but really, isn't most women like that?  I know that I'm not the only one and that does not mean that I don't love myself cause I do!  

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm learning a lot in this journey of mine.  And the major one that stands out is for me and that I'm trying to get better at practicing is that I don't need to apologize for how I feel or be ashamed by it.  I'm me and I'm pretty damned unique!  And I can feel whatever emotion I want.  

An unattainable bar

I had a day yesterday that pushed me to my physical and emotional limits.  And I probably could add mentally to that too!  I struggle with stuff like that.  I push and push till I can't go any further and in the process, I get forgotten...by me!  Maybe it's to teach me a lesson?  To learn how to balance everything in my life or to just help me learn to put my "bar" to an attainable level.  I have been told that I do that...that I set it a little high.

I struggle with this.  I wonder when in my life did I ever begin to set a bar for myself?  My breaking point today was a simple thing that was in my work mailbox.  I cried like a big baby when I read them!  It was 3 certificates for training for work that I had around 6 weeks ago.  You would have thought I just got my doctorate.  I wasn't the only one that got them but in my little world, I just attained something that added to my self worth.

Self worth, self esteem, self confidence...I see a pattern here that I have had trouble with my whole life dealing with and it's because of that bar.  An imaginary bar that I somewhere down the line put in my head.  It's a nice thing to have goals and/or strive for something but to set yourself up for failure? Not a good thing.  And it's truly a wonderful thing the ability to see in yourself a flaw that can be fixed.

My life completely changed almost 3 years ago.  It actually started changing back when I started my weight loss journey 5+ years ago.  I started to find myself again.  For so many years, I was buried under my weight.  And as the weight was shed, I was going through so many changes physically, mentally and emotionally.  I had so many people tell me that I had changed and I fought them...tooth and nail.  Somehow, in all this process, I started on an even more self discovery than I thought I could go on.  I am slowly and I mean super slowly seeing what makes me tick, what are my accomplishments and what are my flaws.  My good, my bad and my ugly!

Today, I took the time to be "me".  To not have any bar set!  To have no expectations set for myself!  To just breathe!