My dark thoughts....

I'm apologizing ahead of time...this might be a little "dark" of me but I'm struggling with some thoughts that need to change.  I'm thoroughly convinced that my mind is not like anyone else's.  LOL!  This weight loss journey has been more than just losing weight.  It's been me getting back to "me".  It's me finding out that I'm stronger than I ever thought of being.  It's me finding out that I am deserving of happiness on the inside and on the outside.  And as hard as it's been and continues to be, it's me accepting me...faults and all.

I'm struggling with my weight right now.  I continue to run and it's very therapeutic for me but I think my body is getting comfortable with it...way too comfortable.  I push myself but I'm feeling like it's not enough right now.  As much as I hate it, I'm having to "change"  it up again.  I have to tell myself it's enough when I do a weight lifting workout.  In this precious head of mine...if I'm not soaking wet from sweat then I don't feel like I have did enough.  

I get very discouraged.  It's been 4 long years that I have been on this weight loss journey.  I have accomplished a lot but I haven't gotten to goal.  I see others get to their goal and I feel a wee bit envious.  I'm very happy for them and celebrate with them but a little part of me gets the green eyed monster going.  I need to realize that my journey is my journey, not theirs.  They might get there by other means than me.  When it gets all said and done, this girl will have "earned" it right down to every little thing that I have experienced along the way.  

I have to realize that it's okay to feel envious, to feel discouraged, to feel a little bit of anger, and a little bit of sadness.  It's not all sunshine and rainbows and I don't know of anyone who wouldn't feel those things after this long.  To have the determination and motivation and the patience (mainly the patience) takes a lot of "mental" attitude on my part.  I have to motivate myself daily.  I have keep telling myself that I didn't gain all this weight overnight and that it won't be gone overnight either.  I also have to keep telling myself that I'm only 27 lbs away from goal.  Not 108 lbs away from goal, which would put me back right where I started from and that will not happen.  I won't let it happen!

My mind works for me and against me.  I use my mind to push me, to tell myself to keep going when I am tired and not wanting to try another thing to see if my body will kick start itself back into losing weight again. My mind also starts being a bit of a "brat" and I will tell myself that I'm not pretty enough, thin enough, that I'm not good enough.  The negativity works to motivate me but it's a sick, vicious cycle and not healthy, one bit.  I don't do that as much anymore and I think I have gotten to the point in my journey that I'm starting to accept myself.  After 4 years, you would think I would have a clue!  LOL!  

With me putting this out there, it makes me more vulnerable but I think it's all part of the process. Too many people hide stuff about themselves.  I see it as holding myself "accountable".  I don't like to skirt issues or to throw things under the rug.  If I feel like crying, I let the tears flow.  If I'm upset, I will say I'm okay but my face/voice says otherwise.  I don't have a good poker face!  I have often thought to myself, I've changed how I look on the outside but how can I change the way I am on the inside?  I think a person can change their thoughts and actions to become more of a positive person but I also think people are the way they are cause it's in their physical makeup and some things are not meant to change but to be accepted.

I may be struggling with these last 27 lbs but I'm thinking I'm learning a lesson in this "struggle" and maybe that I was meant to have this happen?  I guess that would be the "Pollyanna" in me and always trying to find the brighter side of things.

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Keeping my eyes on the goal!!

Funny thing, I never know what motivates me to write.  What motivated me today?  A picture quote on a running website that basically hit the nail on the head for me today.  Weigh-in day.  A day that I get all worked up about.  You would think I would be accustomed to it or in my case, thick skinned about it.  But nope, still gets to me.  It can make me go from happy to sad or vice-versa depending on the outcome.

I know it seems crazy to some people that I let it still get to me.  I am such a creature of habit.  There are days where I would like to kick my own ass.  Why drive yourself crazy with something that you can't control?  Well, technically, this is something I can control.  But I have found out that no matter what I do, what I don't do, it's still out of my hands.  I hate that...I really hate that!

I go to these monthly weigh-ins and set myself up every single time.  I have tried having a positive attitude about it and that is when I get the most hurt.  So, I go in with the expectation that it will be bad and then, Miss Monica is pleasantly surprised.  Sounds like I am using reverse psychology on myself?  LOL!  I have to  do something because almost 4 years of being on that scale can be very hard on a person's head!

I still have my eyes set on my goal.  I won't take my eyes off of that goal.  It's so hard to explain to anyone what this means to me.  I have tried to before.  I always feel like explaining it this way:  you go to school for 12+ years to quit the day before graduation?  'Cause that is what it feels like to me.  I will not settle for being 22 lbs away from goal.  My goal number isn't bad.  It is on the higher end of the charts.  So, it isn't a unhealthy, unattainable number.

That is why I blog and why I am continuing to write for the SJ Locale.  I want people to literally feel what I feel. To know what it is like from my viewpoint.  I didn't have anyone that I could ask questions to or look to for inspiration.  I wanted someone to be able to read what it feels like to be overjoyed or completely discouraged.  The good, the bad, the ugly "side" of weight loss, per say.  If that helps just one person then so be it.

I am a very stubborn, strong willed woman.  I made my mind up a long time ago.  I dig my heels in harder each month.  THIS GIRL WILL DO IT!!  I'm still on the road...even if there are bumps that pop up...I will continue to look ahead!!

You're human...cut yourself some slack!!

It's funny what inspires me to write in my blog.  It can be a simple quote I have found on the internet that "jumps" out at me and makes me feel the need to write.  And that was one I found today.  I have weigh-in this week.  I actually should have had it last Thursday but I knew in my heart that it was not going to be good so I moved it back a week.  I can do that because I'm the one in charge!  LOL!

I get discouraged easily.  I try not to do that.  It is a huge undertaking to push yourself all the time.  To motivate yourself enough to run (exercise) daily, to not overeat, and to eat healthy.  And once in awhile, this girl gets a little slack happy!  I don't always want to run! I enjoy it but it takes a lot mentally to get me started.  That first step is the hardest!  LOL!! There are days where I would just as soon skip my run.  There are days where I just want to snack on everything.  It doesn't matter if I am hungry or not.  And there are days where I skip meals because I am busy or because it will save money.  

It's a constant battle.  Some people are born lucky enough to not gain at all.  They have wonderful metabolism's.  Some people don't even have to move a step and lose it.  I'm just one of the few who breathe and I gain weight from air!  LOL!  It's in my genes!  But I have the ability to change it but I also have the ability to cut myself some slack too!

For the first year since I started this journey, I cut myself some slack and enjoyed eating Thanksgiving dinner.  I will do the same on Christmas.  I didn't the first year.  I was so centered on losing that I didn't enjoy the reason for the day.  I'm finding out that you can cut yourself some slack.  Holidays are the hardest time to lose weight.  There are so many goodies being thrown at you, so many yummy dishes that you normally don't eat, thrown at you.  It's a matter of choices, a matter of how "hard ass" you want to be on yourself.  I personally would rather eat that day, enjoy the time spent with loved ones.  I can work harder the next day.  I would much rather make memories than to be a stick in the mud because I didn't get to partake in anything for fear that I will gain.

I know that this will take me a long time.  It didn't happen overnight and I'm glad that I see that now.  I will get to goal as long as I keep trying, keep running, keep at it.  When I get discouraged, I just need to take a step back and realize that as long as I am doing my best and that I'm enjoying a little bit of this journey then who cares how long it takes?  There is the saying good things come to those who wait and I believe that!  I have enough determination, perseverance and I can't believe I am saying this...PATIENCE, to make this happen!  

I am human...I'm glad that I see that now!

Inner Peace

Inner Peace...what a funny thing!  I know most people don't think of it as funny.  I mean funny, as in the sense of a person trying as they might to attain it.  The more you wish for it, the more unattainable it is.  I had just about given up.  I would pray for it, read things about it, you name it.  Couldn't understand why I felt off!  I felt like I was losing it, mentally.

I know that I have finally accepted a lot of things in my life.  I have accepted that I can't make people like me.  I have accepted that I can't control other people.  I have accepted that no matter how much I run or how good I do eating wise, that sometimes, even my best is not enough. I have accepted that I am me, that I have a lot to offer and if people aren't accepting of me then that is their problem and that I'm doing my best and that is their loss.

I have a weigh-in this Thursday morning and for once, I'm not obsessed about it.  I'm not over-thinking it.  I am at peace about it.  There has been so much I have learned over these 3+ years that I have been "at" this.  I call it a journey and that is what it is.  It's more than looking good.  It's about feeling good outside but even more...feeling good inside.  To feel better about myself.  To not put myself down.  Life is hard enough that I don't have to add to it.

I have been through so many changes.  My outlook on life has changed.  Friends have changed.  I know some people have felt that I have changed.  I have but I'm still Monica and I have feelings too.  It has been one of the hardest things that I have had to deal with and accept.  You have to change in order to "grow".  If you don't grow then you aren't really living.

So, this inner peace thing has been such a blessing to me.  I feel better than I have for a long time.  Even if I have a gain this coming Thursday morning, I will be okay...truly okay!  I will just continue trudging on in this journey of mine.  I've finally accepted that I'm human, that I have moments where I don't feel like running or that I want to snack. I'm not perfect and I'm not striving for perfection.  I have finally accepted that I'm worth so much more.

"Peace is to be found only within, and unless one finds it there he will never find it at all. Peace lies not in the external world. It lies within one's own soul." ~~Ralph Waldo Trine

Feeling better about yourself...a slow process!

Life is a funny thing!  I have often wondered why things happen the way they do.  I think I have it all figured out and then bamn, something changes my thinking drastically.  I'm trying to do less worrying.  I'm the biggest over-thinker I know.  I like to analyze everything.  I don't know why I have did that for most of my life.  Was I born that way?  I don't think so.  I think you learn bad habits and then it seems like it takes a lifetime to rid yourself of those bad habits.  And God knows, I'm trying to rid myself of a few doozies!  LOL!

I have wrote about this before and thought I had it conquered but it kind of creeped itself back into my life. Just some things in life that kind of "knocked" me down. A person has the control over how they feel but sometimes, I think there is just some things that take a little longer to get out of your head.  I've accepted that I have issues with myself, with my self esteem, my self confidence, you name it.  I'm choosing to deal with them head on and rid myself of them permanently.  I don't want anyone to think my weight loss is me not accepting myself.  I want to be healthier and me getting to goal once and for all is just that...a goal! 

I know that there is other people out there that think that they aren't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, you name it. It's a sad shame that a person feels that way. I seriously could kick my own ass for even letting myself think negative about myself for as long as I have.  Decades...that is just plain stupid!  I'm a much happier person when I'm not over-thinking.  I can literally feel myself smiling from the inside out when I'm at peace. 

And it's so hard to explain to someone but that is one of the reasons I love to run.  The peace I feel when I run... it is priceless.  I see the beauty in nature and hear the outside noises but can "hear" the inside noises, if that makes any sense?  I get insight, clarity, balance, a peace about me during my runs.  I used to think it was the endorphins but it really isn't.  I just wish I could bottle up those feelings to last me throughout the day.  I'm learning though, that I can make them last by choosing to ignore the "demons" that try to get to me.  As time passes, those demons are slowly going away.  Because I'm choosing to not live that way.

And me losing the weight has helped with that.  I feel better about myself than I did before but I'm still a work in progress.  I want my insides to match my outside. I want to be the best Monica that I can be.  A person should want that for themselves.  Why would you want to be a half-assed version of yourself?  Not me! I'm not a half-assed person but I've been living life like that for how long?  I am good enough, I am smart enough, I am pretty enough and I will continue to tell myself that till it gets through this thick skull of mine!  

I have given control of how I think/feel to others for a long time.  I am my own person and I can't blame anyone else for me thinking/feeling the way that I do.  Just like my weight loss journey, it's a forever thing...a lifestyle change.  In order to feel better about yourself then you need to make changes and keep those feelings in check or better yet, rid yourself of the negative feelings.  And no one else can do that for you!  You and only you, can heal yourself!  

It's a slow process but it's still progress:

Accepting responsibility

Life is all about learning and growing and accepting changes as they come along.  No matter how many changes I have went through in the past 3+ years, I'm still evolving.  This is coming from a person who used to hate changes.  Kind of still do but I'm getting better at accepting them.  The things I constantly battle with is my self confidence, my self-esteem, how I react to people, worrying about stupid shit that hasn't happened yet.  I sure would love to put the blame on others for this and did do this up until last week.  I had my come to Jesus moment, so to speak.

I can't blame people for how I feel about myself.  It's like giving someone a gun.  They can't shoot you without you handing them the bullets.  I've been handing out bullets for so long.  Just like I can't blame anyone else for me and my weight issues.  I used to blame my parents on that.  Sorry Mom and Dad!   I was brought up to eat everything on my plate.  I had thinner cousins that would waste their food.  My folks weren't going to have any part of that.  They knew how hard it was to earn money to put food on the table and by golly, it was going to be ate at one point or another, preferably at that moment.  We did what they said (okay, maybe not always but shhh...we won't talk about that).  We were brought up in that generation where you didn't sass back.

Blame is easy to throw on someone else.  A person needs to own up their faults and I'm learning that big time.  I am not a perfect person nor do I try to be.  I'm human.  I just try to be me and I'm trying to be the best me that I can be.  A few weeks ago, I ran and had some wonderful insight and I posted it on facebook.  I heard some very valid points and got wonderful support in regards to it.  The one thing I know is that I can't expect anyone to fix me but ME!  I have demons and those demons are finding out that their hold on me is not happening anymore.  Find someone else to torture!  I'm in charge.  I don't want to hand any more bullets out.

In talking to other people, I find out that I'm not alone.  That we all have issues.  Nobody is perfect.  Everyone has something that they are dealing with.  I guess with me, I kind of put it out there with my weight loss journey being featured in a magazine and my blog here.  Not everyone is comfy with putting their "shit" out there.  I want to help people.  Even if one person reads this and thinks "Oh my, she just wrote what I'm thinking to myself"!   To know you are not alone, to know that you aren't completely insane is priceless, at least to me, it is!   LOL!

I am me!  I need to be more accepting of me!  I need to realize that I am doing the best I can and that I need to accept that.  Be done with it at the end of the day.  No sense of beating yourself up or beating a thought in your head over and over again.  Don't hand anyone the gun or the bullets!  You have a choice!  No one else to blame but you!

To be the best Monica that I can be!

I can't believe how long it's been since I blogged.  I really haven't had a lot of time to do it but I'm going to try to make the time.  Just like my running, writing is therapeutic for me!  A place where I can put down my thoughts no matter how insane they seem to be.  LOL!

I just finished something that I set out to do this past week.  It had been such a long time since I have been able to run 5 days in a row.  I think back to when I was running 7 days a week and that seems like a lifetime ago.  I see now that maybe that was not the smartest thing.  Your body needs a bit of a recovery time.  I have had a lot happen to cause me not to be able to do this.

What started me out on this weight loss journey and the running was that I had lost me.  I lost my self esteem, my confidence, my self worth.  I know that seems sad but life has a way of doing that to a person.  I didn't intentionally let myself go.  I just knew that I had to get "me" back.  It may appear to others that I was being selfish but anyone who knows me knows that I'm far from that.  I put other's needs before my own.  That is what makes Monica tick.  It makes me happy to take care of people but I also needed to take care of myself.

I don't regret for one minute taking the time to find "me" again.  I have found out a lot about myself in the whole process.  I'm one strong woman yet, I'm still the same sensitive, compassionate Monica that I have always been.  I have found that I can do things that I never thought I could do.  That I have the determination and willpower to achieve things.  I'm still trying to build up my self worth.  I still underestimate myself.  I have negative thoughts from time to time and I'm trying my best to clear those out of my head.

I also have gotten more comfortable with myself.  I'm getting comfy in my own skin.  I used to think you had to be a certain way, act a certain way, look a certain way for people to accept you.  What I have found out is that I had to learn to accept myself, faults and all and that I didn't need to worry if people accepted me or not.  I love people unconditionally yet, I couldn't love myself unconditionally.  That is what needed to change.

One thing that has helped me is this blog, putting my thoughts out there even if it means that I have complete strangers reading this.  It might help someone who feels like me or has felt like me.  Facebook has helped me with that and also writing for the St. Johns Locale magazine.  To put myself out there, for people to see my struggle with my weight, to know that I have had many obstacles to overcome.  To show people that you can do whatever you set out to do, if you just try.

Another thing I have found out is that I enjoy the simpler things in life.  I now find "joy" in things that I never thought twice about before.  It's almost as if I found a new pair of eyes in my "journey".  I see and feel things differently now.

I'm getting back to taking that time for "me" again.  I have had to rearrange my time for running once again to make it work.  It takes effort on my part to commit to this but I have to.  I need to get back to what I set out to do...to be the best Monica that I can be!