Being there at the right time and the right place!

I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to want to show my face ever again at my local bank.  Not because I robbed it or anything like that!  LOL!  I had a meltdown of sorts.  It's been a really long week mentally and physically for me. I had my orthopedic doctor appt on Monday and that wasn't the best appt news wise.  And I have had to clean for my normal people in the past 4 days but double duty for the past 2 days cause I have a mandatory work thing on Friday for my real job.  Besides the work being physically draining...it's mentally draining cause a lot of them are in their 80's or close to it.  I don't think I need to explain further other than the help I give them probably should be something their kids should be helping with but can't. And I have walked over 27 miles from Friday-Wednesday just to keep my knee in motion and to keep my ass from turning into a 500 lb. lady with my own tv reality show.  I'm just drained.

When I got out of my last cleaning job late this afternoon, I had a feeling that the tears were ready to fall but I kept myself together or so I thought.  I put the radio on and proceeded to wait till I could get on the highway from the side street.  A song comes on...not even a sad song but it was the catalyst to get the floodgates started.  I should have known better.  It could've waited but noooopppeee...I had to go to the bank to deposit money.  It wasn't like I had to right at that moment.

I proceeded to walk up to a teller.  They all know me real well there.  I wasn't sure what amount I was depositing and I was doing everything in my power to think straight. And then all of sudden, I started to cry.  Not just teary eyed but the ugly kind. I told her that I was just drained mentally, physically and emotionally.  They got me all taken care of and I was crying as I was walking out the bank doors....looking like a lunatic.

I get out to my car and was fiddling with my phone and all of a sudden this lady comes up to the car window and said how bad she felt for me.  She asked me my name and said she was going to pray for me.  She proceeded to stand there listening to me for at least the next 20 minutes. She said she understood where I was coming from and what I was feeling cause she had had her own issues 9 years ago with lung cancer and working hard for little to pay the bills.  She knew what it was like to struggle with that and her health.

She didn't judge me.  She just sat there and listened.  I know for a fact that she was meant to be at that place at that time.  I don't give a shit what anyone else says about coincidences like that. I was feeling so alone at that moment when I got out to my car and here comes this lady up to my window not worrying if I was some lunatic.  She was doing the thing that all of us need to do...to show compassion, to not be so damn selfish with our time, to not be so rushed with people....to actually give a shit about another human being besides ourselves.

Her name was Mary.  I told her thank you and God Bless her.  And I told her that I would be thanking God in my prayers tonight for sending her to me at that moment when I needed someone to just listen.  I hope that someday when some crazy menopausal lady (like myself) starts to cry hard in a public place, that I can pay it forward to that person like this kind lady did to me.

Acceptance and strength

I felt compelled to write today and I looked at the date of my last post.  It was almost a year ago and it was about strength.  Call it pure coincidence but me getting on here today was a big sign.  I thought last year's hysterectomy was a tough one health wise but that was a walk in the park compared to some issues I started having at the end of the year with my knee and still having issues with it.

The end of the year I started having some pain behind my knee and then it got painful to walk.  Given my family's history of blood clots, my family doctor ordered an ultrasound.  I found out at that ultrasound that I had a baker's cyst.  He referred me to an orthopedic surgeon to be seen.  It was a few days before Christmas and I couldn't stand it any longer and went to the emergency room.  All they did there was give me a pain shot and some crutches and told me that I needed to see an orthopedic surgeon which I was already waiting to hear back from.

I was finally able to see the ortho doctor and he immediately, by examination, figured it was a torn meniscus but needed me to get an MRI to find out for sure but gave me a cortisone shot in my knee to help(which was not my idea of fun).  I got the results and it was a torn meniscus.  We scheduled surgery for when I was off work during Spring Break.

I had the surgery and came home that day.  Walked out of the hospital with no crutches, went upstairs with no problems.  Hell, I walked out to my mailbox and got the mail with very minimal pain.  Got my ice machine all hooked up to help with the swelling.  I went to bed that night with very minimal pain.  Was able to sleep pretty decent and didn't wake up to take my pain pill.  That was a big mistake...HUGE!  Woke up with a pain level that was beyond their little charts.  I was praying for death or a sawzall to cut my leg off, whichever came first.

I made it through those 2 weeks off and I was getting better but still had a little pain.  I fell just a little bit down my stairs 2 weeks post surgery but it was like I slid and so my knee went straight.  Took it easy the rest of that day and made sure I iced it and took some Motrin.  My Doctor said if at a month after my post surgery appt. that if I was still in pain to come see him.  At the end of the month's time I fell going up the stairs on the bus (my fault cause my knee popped and it threw me off balance and down I went on my knee).  I must have hit it hard enough cause I couldn't get right back up and me being the big baby that I am, started to cry.

I went to see the doctor and he wasn't too pleased with me.  He said I was dealing with a high q patellar something (I can't remember the word for it but he wanted me to go to physical therapy.  I hem hawed about it and then decided I would at least try it.  I was to come back after my therapy was done to reevaluate it.  I had an appt set but my ortho surgeon stopped seeing patients for some reason (I'm bewildered) so I had to find another doctor.  I was able to get an appt with a doctor that comes from another town to my hometown.

Well today was that appt.  I took everything in with me...my pics from the surgery, my x-ray from back in December, my MRI from January and all my post op paperwork.  I talked with this new doctor and he listened to me and examined it said he wanted to do an x-ray on it first to see if I had some issues happen cause of the fall.  He could see the swelling from the minute he sat down.  He came back in after the x-ray and went over the results.  He said there was some definite narrowing on the one side of the knee.  He wants me to have another MRI to see just what else was going on with it cause their was a part on the x-ray that he was questioning.

I sat there and took this all in.  I told him that I felt the therapy was helping but that I wasn't back to my full potential.  I was given it my 110% there but still had pain when I sit too long or stand too long or turn over in bed or put my left sock and/or shoe on.  He said that he wasn't sure if my pained knee movements were cause of arthritis and/or cartilage loss or if the meniscus got tore some more.  I told him that I have been doing some walking with the brace on but by the end of my walks I can feel it even with the brace on.  I told him that I walked this morning for 4.36 miles and you would have thought that I said I ran a full marathon.  He said that was too much and for right now until we get that MRI done to not be pushing it.

I started to get teary eyed.  I told him that I used to be a runner.  That I ran 2 half marathons, 2 10 mile races and a few 5K's.  I told him that I haven't been able to get back to running cause of mostly my knee (I have sciatic issues but that is nothing compared to the feeling of your knee slamming down).  I told him that I am not meant to be a sedentary person that I lose weight only when I add exercise to my dieting.  My own family doctor has seen that with me.

I'm sure my new ortho doctor thought I was being a typical woman with hormonal issues but that was/is not the case with me. It's the frustration that I can't do what I want to do.  It's the frustration of it not getting back to 100% with me.  It's the frustration of gaining weight....weight that I lost working my ass off to accomplish that. While I haven't totally gained everything back (which I am trying to find the silver lining in this), it still ticks me off.  My body isn't letting me do the shit I want.  The drive and determination is there but it's been one thing or another.

I'm guessing that there might be a lesson to be learned in all this....that I might have to get just a little bit stronger so that I can learn to accept that my body is telling me these things that I need to hear and that I might not be able to do what I once did.  I have to look at it, as all part of the journey that I have been on, the weight loss, the weight gain, finding my inner strength, fighting my demons, becoming the person that I am now and eventually being able to find inner peace.  Maybe it's not the destination that matters but the journey getting there is what does.  Maybe my journey isn't about all those things in my head that I think I need to accomplish to be considered successful but in the lessons to be learned and accepted?

Determining strength

What determines strength?  I ask myself that question frequently.  Is it the person who holds their shit together all the time or is it the person who can be real and raw with their emotions in front of people?  Some say that is a weakness but I am finding out that being real, being raw shows that I'm strong enough to let myself be me. 

When I set out on my journey 9 years ago (when I had my awakening), I didn't know that I was showing strength then.  I was taking back my life.  I was strong enough to put myself first for once and do what I needed to do to find that lost girl.  I was strong enough to say that I had had enough.  I didn't know how I was going to do it or if I was going to be able to do it....to be on my own...but I did it with a giant leap of faith.  

I underestimate myself.  I always have since I was a little girl.  I didn't have the confidence in myself or the self-esteem to be sure of myself and my choices.  I always had that protection, an umbrella of sorts, to watch over me and/or to do things for me.  And I let people do that cause it was easier and it didn't cause me the inner turmoil in my head.

I have always been one to be critical of myself, to be insecure with me (which comes off as being insecure with others), to question my own self-worth.  There are times where I'm secure in all those things and then I put that "sweater"on.  My friend Barb called it that once and it has always stuck with me.  That sweater is comfortable and when I take that off and get all gutsy then there is that inner turmoil that says to me, "what the hell are you doing, you can't do that or who do you think you are"? 

But I'm finding out that I'm much stronger than I realize.  I had been dealing with some female medical issues and working through them despite the nagging pain I was feeling.  The first of the year, my body decided to nag me even harder and I finally listened to it.  I had to have numerous things done before my actual hysterectomy surgery.  Ultrasounds (the belly kind and the "inside" kind), physical exams, an endometrial biopsy done in the office that would make a grown man drop to his knees and cry, a scope inside of me and a D&C.  And then you have the waiting on test results which tests that inner strength.

Strength comes from the only other option you have is to be strong.  Strength comes from dealing with your self-worth, your self esteem, your self confidence and your insecurities.  It comes from dealing with your own shortcomings, your faults, your mistakes.  And it comes from not saying anything cause you will come off as a whiny baby.  Strength comes from putting those big girl panties on and dealing with all the feelings inside that tell you that you can't do this!

But true strength comes from a belief in yourself (as little as it may be) that you can do this...that you can get through this...that you have made it this far.  My hysterectomy showed me all that and then some.  I found out a lot of things that I thought I couldn't do but was able to cause that was my only option.

So even though I have whined and I have cried and doubted myself more times than I can count....that I'm showing strength right there by dealing with it...by being real and admitting it!  So... I am woman (yes even with my inerds gone) hear me roar!  (Or occasionally meow when I got that "sweater" on that I talk about earlier 😉 )!  LOL!

Getting to know yourself!

It's funny how soul cleansing a walk or run is. I used to run a shit ton and the balance and clarity that I got from it was beyond therapeutic. The walking that I have been doing since the middle of summer is darn near the same feeling.  I ran alone a lot.  There were times, few and far between, where I would run with a friend or two but it was never that same feeling.  You can't get that feeling when you are too busy yapping your jaw! LOL!  The same thing goes for walking.  But the bad thing about that is that the silence can be deafening.  And you better be good with that!

I find myself doing far more thinking than a normal person might like.  It's like soul searching...getting to know who you who are and what makes you tick.  And it's a big eye opener at times.  For me, I've found out that just like running, the walking is still stoking my determination.  It's still lighting a fire underneath my butt. 

If something is bothering me on any given day then most of the time it gets hashed out during my walks.  This morning I took advantage of the snow day for school and did a 5 1/2+ mile walk.  It was cold as shit out yet, I didn't notice.  I was extremely lucky not to have to see many people so that was a bonus.  I know that sounds bad of me but it's the honest to God truth.  I love that time where I go off the radar/grid.  There is no music playing in my ears.  It's just me and my thoughts and PLENTY of peace and quiet.  I got that balance, the peace, the clarity that not too many people get or let themselves get.

I think many people are so busy with trying to muffle out the world that they aren't really muffling out the world with all the distractions.  Shutting out the world to me is no phone, no music, no one talking to you....just SILENCE!  And in that silence you tend to find out who you really are and what makes you tick.  I have plenty of people who think they know me but I am the only one who knows me truly inside and out.  I show want I want to show but there is so much more than beats the eye with me.

I feel so many things deeper than most people.  I get my feelings hurt at the drop of a hat.  I get tense when people are discussing stuff (or arguing).  I get sad when I think about how fast time is going now as I'm getting older.  There is so many other facets to me that people don't see or they don't know about 'cause I'm very selective now what I choose to share.

I wish more people would get in touch with themselves and not be so scared to actually be alone with their thoughts and feelings.  I used to hate it but those moments when I'm by myself out walking...those moments are priceless to me now!

Thinking a little differently

I really can't stand it when Facebook has that "this day in memory" thing.  It's nice when it's something that you want to look back on and smile but do I really need to be reminded of my weight loss/weight gain/struggle with pictures and postings?  I would say NOT!  It's something that I live with everyday.  But I'm beginning to look at it a little different now.

I saw myself as a bit of a failure with my weight gain after the loss of 106 lbs. I told myself that I wasn't going to go there again.  I probably even told a few people to slap me upside the head if I did.  Well, I didn't have anyone knocking down the door to slap me upside the head.  I guess that is where the first mistake has come in.  What I have learned in all of this...is that I can't expect anyone to do this for me ('cause it would sure be nice if someone could loss weight for me without me doing a damn thing).

The main thing that I have learned is that I'm not a failure and to look at it differently.  I didn't gain back all my weight so that is a good thing.  I didn't lose my drive and determination....they were just taking a nice little break.  I should be praising myself instead of beating myself down.  But I guess until you have lived with my struggle then you really don't know. Failure is not getting back up again.  Failure is not trying.  Failure is not learning something from it.

I know when I was in the "thick" of things with my weight loss, that I was not healthy in my mind & also body.  Nobody...except now...knows that I was a little obsessed (okay, to some that would be a lot).  Is it healthy for your body and mind to run a shit ton of miles, bicycle after that, lift some weights, and then go for either a walk that night or possibly another run?  Is it healthy to put something in your mouth so you can "taste" it and then spit it out so you don't gain from it?  Was it healthy of me to put an expectation bar up so high that I wasn't able to reach it?  Oh, I could go on for days....

I just started back up again to exercising.  Not to any extremes.  I'm walking right now.  I'm doing what my body is letting me do.  I do give myself goals as to distance but they are within reach and if I don't do it that day....it's not the end of the world.  I would like to run again...someday...but I'm rather content right now to do my little speed walking.

I'm doing my own thing (without anything else) just like I did when I started the journey back in 2009.  It's what I do and I don't want anyone to tell me what I should or shouldn't do.  At the end of the day, if I'm happy with me and my effort then that's what matters!  It isn't anyone else's lesson or lifestyle or journey but my own! 

Pride and Doubt

I haven't wrote in awhile and every time I think about doing it then something comes up and takes my inspiration to do it and shoves it right out of my mind.  Grief does a lot to people and this time experiencing it has hit me harder.  Some days, it just feels like a struggle to get through the day with my sanity intact.  I've experienced grief before.  I've lost a friend, classmates, grandparents, and my baby that I miscarried to name just a few.  My heart first got a crack in it when I lost a friend of mine 31 years ago.  I thought that was the worst thing I could go through.  I was a teenager and I really didn't know what losing someone was like.  The years have passed....that sorrow eased.  And then came my miscarriage and that rocked me to my core.  The years have passed and that sorrow eased.  And then came the loss of my Dad and that showed me that your heart can be broken to the point of feeling like you can't breath, to the point of feeling like you have lost your mind, to the point that you wonder if anything will ever feel the same to you

My Dad was probably the best teacher in the world.  He was a cutter and tool grinder by trade so he literally wasn't a teacher but in my world, he was.  He taught my Mom and my siblings and I so much about life.  He showed us what it was like to carry so many "crosses" or burdens.  He had to grow up rather quickly as a young teenager when his Dad had a heart attack at the age of 42.  My Dad was 15 and they had a farm and he had to take a lot of the burden on of being "the man of the house" while my Grandpa recovered.  He had help from his brothers and sister but a lot of the responsibility laid on his shoulders.  He fought an addiction to alcohol for 35 years.  I still don't really know the reasons why he drank.  He used to say that he would drink whether he was happy or sad, mad or glad, alone or with people but me being the analytical person that I am likes to know reasons.  It's my own burden to deal with (being analytical) and wanting to know more in this world than I need to! 

I don't think he ever stopped "teaching" me.  He showed all of us what it was like to have health problems (more than one) and have to live daily with pain.  He didn't know from day to day what would start hurting him next or what side effects he was going to have from all the meds (heart and rheumatoid arthritis) that he had to be on to live a somewhat normal life.  

When he gave up the drinking, I'm sure that he had a lot of self analyzing to deal with.  He had to deal with the guilt of the drinking and to put it behind him and he did.  He started living in the "now" but also had the future on his mind cause he didn't know how much of a future he would have and that he wanted to be "prepared" for his final days.  He got his house in order, so to speak.  And that is where he taught us all about faith.  The faith of not knowing but believing!

He knew what it was like for me to deal with my weight cause he had issues with his own weight.  His health and his meds took a lot of his weight away but at the cost of being sick and not having a lot of strength (muscle wise).  But he had strength of the mind.  He was such a big support of when I started my weight loss journey.  He was so proud of me that he would tell strangers about it.  When I went through my divorce and couldn't devote a lot time for myself to workout (cause I had to go to work) and gained some of the weight back, I just wonder what really went through his mind.  He felt such pride in what I had done with my weight.  I would like to think that he was still proud of me for what I accomplished.

I don't know about anyone else but as a child, I have always and even to this day, striven to make my parents proud of me.  My Dad forgave himself for the alcohol addiction so why can't I learn to forgive "me" for thinking my crazy thoughts of him not being proud of me.  For a multitude of reasons, mainly my struggle with my weight or for the fact that I didn't always live up to whatever standards I thought he had for any of us kids or for things in his own life.  I know that he didn't have a stupid expectation bar like I have in my own life.  I know that he loved me regardless of my flaws.  He had unconditional love for me and that is probably the best gift he EVER gave to me and it's also by far the best lesson in life that I was taught by him.

 I will strive to attain that unconditional love for my loved ones and mainly for myself.  I know that my Dad wouldn't want me to be thinking that way.  I know as a parent myself, just how proud I am of my kids so for me to think that my Dad or Mom stopped being proud of me when I gained some back some of my weight is silly!  I should never doubt just how much pride and love a parent can have for a child...especially if that child is me!

Coming to realize.....

The alarm went off this morning and all I could think of is, "hit the snooze and go back to sleep".  Before I went to bed last night, I told myself that I was going to get up early and go for a walk.  It's funny how my inner self starts back into the same talk that it would do when I started running 7 years ago.  There would be a inner battle with me where I would make myself feel guilty if I didn't run.  Well, I found myself doing that same battle with my head this morning.  And all I can think of is, "yes, there is still that fire in there"! 

I know that life happened to me and I wish that I could give myself umpteen hours in the day to workout the amount that I did back when I started my weight loss journey.  That is not possible now.  I have more than one job, I have responsibilities like rent and etc. to take care of.  I'm sure these all sound like excuses but it's my reality now.  It was nothing for me to go for a very early morning run, lift weights, take the kids to school, come home and either walk 4 miles or take a nice long bike ride (more than 10 miles).

As I look back on that now....that wasn't healthy.  I'm not saying that I'm overly healthy now 'cause I'm not.  I have around 50 extra lbs on my 5'4 1/2" frame.  I had to laugh as I looked at my "on this day" thingy on face book this morning and 4 years ago I had posted that I ran to town and back 'cause I wanted to see if I could do it....12.6 miles!  Now 4 years later and I'm just excited that I woke up today with a spark of determination.  LOL! 

It was breathtakingly beautiful out this morning and I needed this "time out" in my life.  It's been a difficult 6 months dealing with the ups and downs of my Dad's health and his recent passing.  I was able to shut out noise of the outside world this morning for those 45 minutes.  I talked to my Dad, I did a lot of thinking and I was able to see the sun come up!  That right there is just a gift in itself!

By the end of my walk, I was coming back to reality.  I felt that "ping" of sadness that comes when you are in the midst of grief.  I somehow let that "noise" creep back in again.  But I also felt energized and I felt hopeful.

I started walking 7 years ago when I knew I needed to do something about my weight.  I got bored quickly with that and started running.  As I looked at my "now", I find that it's a little different this time 'cause I have sciatic nerve issues to deal with that haven't went away and also the big thing...I'm 7 years older now.  It's a good day if I wake up without something hurting!  LOL!

But the funny thing is....I felt pain when I first started walking and then running 7 years ago.  I pushed through knee pain, I pushed through back pain and I even pushed through sciatic nerve pain even back then.  I guess you could say that I was lucky this morning cause I immediately started out with shin pain and my thighs were burning.  I didn't feel I was walking that fast but I guess I was.  I kept telling myself that I'll just go to the corner and turn around.  Well, I got to the corner and figured I would just tell that little voice in my head to "shut the hell up and keep walking"!  I'm not a pansy ass by any means and anyone who knows me can attest for my bullheadedness!

I pushed through the pain just like I did 7 years ago.  I had knee pain, foot pain and sciatic nerve pain back then.  I was glad that I was bullheaded this morning.  And I was even more glad that I took the time out to "recharge" me.  I'm hoping that eventually I can build up from walking to a slow run.  It's just a small goal and it won't be the same as last time.  I don't have a magic number in my head that I want to get down to.  If I don't lose those extra 50 lbs on my ass right now (okay, maybe they are in other places too), it won't be the end of the world.  And I would be happy just to be able to squeeze in a little more "recharge" time.  If only there was 36 hrs in a day....lol! Kidding aside, I will just have to allot some time for this. 

I just want to be around for the ones I love and I think the journey that I have been on for so damn long has finally taught me a thing or two.