Analyzing yourself for the good!

I'm not saying that everyone needs to analyze yourself but in order to become a better person, you need to not be afraid to admit that you have issues.  I don't care who you are, we all have insecurities, downfalls, not so pretty thoughts.  The problem with having "issues" is that it keeps you from being happy.  It keeps you from loving yourself.  It keeps you from being the best "you" that you can be.  And a question a person needs to ask themselves is "Why wouldn't you want these things"?

Sometimes, pain and suffering is all a person knows and there is something "familar" in that and so a person chooses that.  Kind of sick but it's true or at least it has been with me.  LOL!  And the older I have gotten and the more I have been analyzing myself, I'm seeing that it was not healthy one bit.  Yes, it didn't take a rocket scientist to realize that but it takes a really strong person to admit to one's faults, to delve into one's mind.

I did something about a month or more ago.  I wrote down a list of negative things that I felt about myself.  Only one person saw this list and will be the only person EVER to know what was on that list.  The list was buried.  It was very cleansing to my soul.  It helped me to see what kind of negativity I had going on in my head.  I'm going to be working on another list and this one won't be buried.  This list will be one that I will post somewhere for me to see daily.  It is a list of positive things that I see in myself.

The feeling that I have had since I did this has been relief like a burden lifted off my chest.  I'm not saying that I won't "revisit" things occasionally but I'm even more keenly aware of how to treat myself right.  I try to catch myself when I say something that is not kind to me.  I'm big on people not bullying each other but didn't see that I was actually bullying myself for many years.

I took a picture of myself after a run the other day.  I looked so tired and yet, for the first time EVER, I thought to myself, "Damn, what a beautiful picture of you"!  LOL!  It showed the real me.  No makeup, hair not done, just a simple smile and eyes that showed peace and happiness.  And for once, I was proud that I could tell myself something like that and truly believe it.

These are just some of the things that I am experiencing on my journey.  And I'm happy that I am open to all these changes that I have been through since I started losing weight and finding myself.  I'm not just losing weight off my body, I'm losing weight off my shoulders/heart/mind.  It really is "freeing"!  So, very thankful...

Criticizing yourself...a bad habit!

It's amazing how a person can have things hit them, like a V8 moment, so to speak.  I have had 2 different friends on Facebook that have posted status updates lately that have been "jumping out" at me.  I swear they are writing what I am feeling.  And in turn, they are inspiring me.

I am learning something new every day and I am thankful that I am open to these changes.  I have struggled for such a long time with issues.  The weight loss brought about these issues but they didn't get fixed.  I am coming to the realization that I have to deal with it.  I know what they are.  I'm not in denial.  I am such an outgoing person and people see a certain side of me but there is only a few and I mean only a "few" that see the total me.

I struggle with self esteem issues, self confidence issues, issues with my weight, you name it.  And I have been reading a dear friend's daily postings and it's inspiring me to learn to let go of "shit" so to speak.  I can talk the talk but not walk the walk and that needs to happen.  I talk about it so much but I have to do something about it.  I started reading a book the other day and was amazed how just one chapter in and it's helping me "see".   And reading both of my friends' postings, is another way of helping me "see".

I have tried to blame whoever I can for how I feel about me and not to take the blame myself.  Happiness comes from within.  Self love comes from within.  Respect comes from within.  I was taught to be a good girl, make "peace", get along with everyone, be seen and not heard, don't toot your own horn 'cause you might be too "prideful" in one's self.  And I tell you one thing, if there is one thing to learn in all this, is that it will stop with me.  I have 2 children who will not feel the same as their Mom did.  And I say "did" 'cause I'm the road to changing this.

I have little moments that "hit" me...like a big huge smack across the back of my head.  It's okay for me to toot my own horn.  It's okay for me to speak up when something bothers me.  But it's not okay to continually criticize myself.  It's not okay for me to belittle myself.  It's not okay to let people get to me and it's not okay to let other's opinions of me define who I am.

A person strives for true happiness when sometimes, it's right there.  It's hidden.  It's in the simple little things in life.  Not worrying about the past, not worrying about the future.  It's the "feeling" you get inside of you (a voice) that says you deserve this.  You are worthy. You are gift from God.  It's in the simple hug from your child.  It's in the arms of the one who loves you unconditionally.  It's in a walk, a run, time spent alone, time spent with loved ones.  It's okay to be happy...truly happy...and it's really dumb to not let yourself enjoy that!

I will continue to read that book, I will continue to strive to learn all I can about myself, to fix the shit that needs to be fixed and to accept me, as I am.  I am going to make it a goal of mine to let myself be truly happy with me!  To speak to myself in a better tone, to respect myself so I can be respected by others, to love myself unconditionally!  

Self-Esteem, Self-Worth, Your Attitude/Outlook!

I felt the need to blog today.  Lots of stuff on this crazy mind of mine and sometimes the only way I can rid myself of my thoughts is on here.  That is the main reason I started this blog.  To have an outlet where I could come and write what I want:  the good, bad, and ugly.  I do have ugly thoughts!  I do feel bad about myself from time to time! But I have plenty of good!  My life is so full of good that some days, I'm afraid of being too happy.  Yes, that sounds twisted of me!  LOL!

What got me thinking about this, is that I had a truly awesome weigh-in last Thursday.  I never expected it to be as good as it was.  It truly shocked the hell out of me.  I mean, I continually bust my ass to try to get to goal every single month, for 4+ freaking years now.  I go every month, with a glass "half empty" outlook to protect my feelings.  Otherwise, this girl would be bawling every time I step on the scales and the doctor's office would be prescribing me meds or locking me up in a padded room. LOL!  I need to have a more positive attitude about it.  I need to have the glass is "half full" outlook instead.  I determine my attitude and outlook.  I still got teary eyed.  It was tears of joy, tears of shock, a pressure release valve on this heart of mine had been let go.  

I find it hard to share what it exactly feels like to be on this weight loss journey of mine.  I write about it on here and also share it with the readers of the SJ Locale but there is so much more to the emotions I feel.  Sometimes, I feel like my thoughts are too dark for people to read or to know about me but in reality, I'm just being honest with how I feel.  I don't care who you are, everyone has "different" thoughts in their heads that might be considered dark.  I'm just trying to share how I feel and if one person who reads this and is going through the same thing and gets some "inspiration" from me then I feel better that I have helped.

I have talked with others who have lost weight, either by themselves or with the help of surgery and it is so interesting to me.  They have the same issues that I do.  They see themselves as big still even though looking in the mirror shows otherwise.  It's a mind over matter thing.  This girl's mind is constantly trying to better herself.  I want to be the best me that I can be.  I want to be strong, I want to be secure, I want to be okay with myself the way I look. That probably sounds confusing to some.  A person would say, "then why are you trying to better yourself, if you want to be okay with how you look"?  What I mean by that statement, is that I want to be better on the inside.  

A person is always a work in progress.  We all need to grow and to learn.  If we aren't growing than we aren't really living.  I try to look at things in life as lessons.  And I would have to say my biggest lesson in my life is acceptance.  Acceptance of myself, acceptance of blame, just plain old acceptance.  I've  spent the better part of my life trying to make myself feel better about me.  I've let people and their opinions get to me.  I listen to voices that need to be "tuned" out.  Actually, those voices need to "shut the hell up"!  LOL!  

Your self-esteem and self-worth comes from yourself.  Not from anyone else.  It has took me a long time to realize this myself and I'm still working on it.  I wasted many of years of my life torturing myself with feeling like I wasn't pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, you name it 'cause of what other people have said or not have said.  I have to laugh...I read a quote once that little girls should be told that they are pretty all the time whether they are or not.  I personally think it's just be better to tell yourself that.  Don't expect anyone else to do it.  A person needs to stand in front of their mirror and tell themselves you are good enough, pretty enough, smart enough and etc.  

You determine your self worth!  

My dark thoughts....

I'm apologizing ahead of time...this might be a little "dark" of me but I'm struggling with some thoughts that need to change.  I'm thoroughly convinced that my mind is not like anyone else's.  LOL!  This weight loss journey has been more than just losing weight.  It's been me getting back to "me".  It's me finding out that I'm stronger than I ever thought of being.  It's me finding out that I am deserving of happiness on the inside and on the outside.  And as hard as it's been and continues to be, it's me accepting me...faults and all.

I'm struggling with my weight right now.  I continue to run and it's very therapeutic for me but I think my body is getting comfortable with it...way too comfortable.  I push myself but I'm feeling like it's not enough right now.  As much as I hate it, I'm having to "change"  it up again.  I have to tell myself it's enough when I do a weight lifting workout.  In this precious head of mine...if I'm not soaking wet from sweat then I don't feel like I have did enough.  

I get very discouraged.  It's been 4 long years that I have been on this weight loss journey.  I have accomplished a lot but I haven't gotten to goal.  I see others get to their goal and I feel a wee bit envious.  I'm very happy for them and celebrate with them but a little part of me gets the green eyed monster going.  I need to realize that my journey is my journey, not theirs.  They might get there by other means than me.  When it gets all said and done, this girl will have "earned" it right down to every little thing that I have experienced along the way.  

I have to realize that it's okay to feel envious, to feel discouraged, to feel a little bit of anger, and a little bit of sadness.  It's not all sunshine and rainbows and I don't know of anyone who wouldn't feel those things after this long.  To have the determination and motivation and the patience (mainly the patience) takes a lot of "mental" attitude on my part.  I have to motivate myself daily.  I have keep telling myself that I didn't gain all this weight overnight and that it won't be gone overnight either.  I also have to keep telling myself that I'm only 27 lbs away from goal.  Not 108 lbs away from goal, which would put me back right where I started from and that will not happen.  I won't let it happen!

My mind works for me and against me.  I use my mind to push me, to tell myself to keep going when I am tired and not wanting to try another thing to see if my body will kick start itself back into losing weight again. My mind also starts being a bit of a "brat" and I will tell myself that I'm not pretty enough, thin enough, that I'm not good enough.  The negativity works to motivate me but it's a sick, vicious cycle and not healthy, one bit.  I don't do that as much anymore and I think I have gotten to the point in my journey that I'm starting to accept myself.  After 4 years, you would think I would have a clue!  LOL!  

With me putting this out there, it makes me more vulnerable but I think it's all part of the process. Too many people hide stuff about themselves.  I see it as holding myself "accountable".  I don't like to skirt issues or to throw things under the rug.  If I feel like crying, I let the tears flow.  If I'm upset, I will say I'm okay but my face/voice says otherwise.  I don't have a good poker face!  I have often thought to myself, I've changed how I look on the outside but how can I change the way I am on the inside?  I think a person can change their thoughts and actions to become more of a positive person but I also think people are the way they are cause it's in their physical makeup and some things are not meant to change but to be accepted.

I may be struggling with these last 27 lbs but I'm thinking I'm learning a lesson in this "struggle" and maybe that I was meant to have this happen?  I guess that would be the "Pollyanna" in me and always trying to find the brighter side of things.

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Keeping my eyes on the goal!!

Funny thing, I never know what motivates me to write.  What motivated me today?  A picture quote on a running website that basically hit the nail on the head for me today.  Weigh-in day.  A day that I get all worked up about.  You would think I would be accustomed to it or in my case, thick skinned about it.  But nope, still gets to me.  It can make me go from happy to sad or vice-versa depending on the outcome.

I know it seems crazy to some people that I let it still get to me.  I am such a creature of habit.  There are days where I would like to kick my own ass.  Why drive yourself crazy with something that you can't control?  Well, technically, this is something I can control.  But I have found out that no matter what I do, what I don't do, it's still out of my hands.  I hate that...I really hate that!

I go to these monthly weigh-ins and set myself up every single time.  I have tried having a positive attitude about it and that is when I get the most hurt.  So, I go in with the expectation that it will be bad and then, Miss Monica is pleasantly surprised.  Sounds like I am using reverse psychology on myself?  LOL!  I have to  do something because almost 4 years of being on that scale can be very hard on a person's head!

I still have my eyes set on my goal.  I won't take my eyes off of that goal.  It's so hard to explain to anyone what this means to me.  I have tried to before.  I always feel like explaining it this way:  you go to school for 12+ years to quit the day before graduation?  'Cause that is what it feels like to me.  I will not settle for being 22 lbs away from goal.  My goal number isn't bad.  It is on the higher end of the charts.  So, it isn't a unhealthy, unattainable number.

That is why I blog and why I am continuing to write for the SJ Locale.  I want people to literally feel what I feel. To know what it is like from my viewpoint.  I didn't have anyone that I could ask questions to or look to for inspiration.  I wanted someone to be able to read what it feels like to be overjoyed or completely discouraged.  The good, the bad, the ugly "side" of weight loss, per say.  If that helps just one person then so be it.

I am a very stubborn, strong willed woman.  I made my mind up a long time ago.  I dig my heels in harder each month.  THIS GIRL WILL DO IT!!  I'm still on the road...even if there are bumps that pop up...I will continue to look ahead!!